Monday, March 24, 2014

I had a very rough weekend. I was supposed to go to psychodrama all weekend but I only made Friday evening. We were doing an exercise call the social atom. It is where you draw circles around each other with the inner most circle representing “me”. Then you put the people in your life in proximity to “me”. I realized that there are so few people in my life. Everyone else had so many people surrounding them. Some close and some outside of their circle. They were talking about feeling joy and happiness. If freaked me out. When it was over, I left and totally disintegrated. It is the same pattern I go through every time something happens. I go into isolation and do not want to be around people. So, I did not go to the rest of the workshop. Now, I regret not going. This is not a healthy way to respond to life. One would think that after all the years I spent in therapy and psychodrama I could react in a more controlled way. That I could learn a different pattern to use.

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP…

Thursday, March 6, 2014

It has been so long since I have written. A lot of positive things have happened in my life…more positive than negative, which seems like a miracle to me.

But today and the past week, I have been so depressed. I feel like I do not have a life. I do not seem to have a purpose about which I feel passionate. That statement is not totally true. I do have someone in my life that I would like to help and I feel passionate about that idea. This person has a lot going on in their life and could use a loyal, trustworthy friend to give them help.

I have been a friend to them for a while now. In fact a situation arose in my life where I had to live in their outside room for about six months. Now I am supposed to be moving back to my house. But I am confused about whether I should or not. I feel so lost and confused. I have become accustomed to being around someone that treats me with respect; that talks to me as an equal; that enjoys being around me; that appreciates my input. Now I must return to my previous situation with my husband who treats me just the opposite. I am truly at a loss. I have no other place to go right now. I cannot afford to move out on my own. Both of them are out of town as I attempt make this transition. This was my choice because I wanted neither of them to see the pain through which I am going. I do not want my husband to know the dread I feel nor do I want my friend to see the pain I feel in leaving.

My fear is that once I am gone, their busy life will not allow me to be as helpful as I have been in the past few months…out of sight out of mind. I will also miss being around them very much. I ask myself if I have become dependent on them. I do not think it is a codependent relationship. We both do things separately from each other and are fine with it this way. I think my worry is that I will lose purpose again. I volunteer at one other place which I will continue to do. But, I feel that the Creator has put me in their life for a reason. So if this is what I believe then why am I so fearful? I should trust the universe to help me through this whatever the outcome. Life is always changing. It is how we handle the changes that either drag us down or help us move forward. Even though I know this in my brain, my heart is crying and pleading for this change not to happen.

Peace,

Nico

I chose the above picture because the past few years I have felt like I bloomed from a flower, raised from the dead as a cross between a dragonfly and a butterfly. The breaker of illusions (dragonfly) and transformation (butterfly). I look back and see how peaceful I have been with this person in my life. How much purpose I felt as I helped with daily chores, pet sitting and things they felt were mundane and tedious. But these things are what lifted me out of my depression and gave me a reason to live. I feel useful, helpful and like I am contributing to someone/something that has a bigger purpose in life than I do. They have the ability to help a lot of people not only financially but spiritually. And this they do on a daily basis. Anything I do to help them achieve this helps me to feel that I am helping also.