|Microsoft Clip Art|
It has been a week riddled with setbacks. I am no longer surprised by this--it is to be expected on any journey. There will always be bumps and potholes in the road.
But this pothole was a huge one. Let me just say that the pain sent me into a nose dive into the depths of the ocean, where there is no Light. I lost touch with my Self and my creative side. I lost touch PERIOD.
It is not easy to admit certain things, especially failures and mistakes. However, the admission of any mistake you might think you have made or of any perceived failure has the possibility of changing the way you view it. Sometimes, you will learn it is not always YOUR failure or mistake. But, without bringing it into the spot light of admission, examining it under this illumination, either alone or with help, you might live with it in the shadows…and all for naught.
This was the case for me this week. I continue to learn that my first reaction to a problem seems to be self-blame. Even though a little voice in the back of my mind, MY ANKH (intuition) whispers and then finally shouts, “THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THIS IS THEIR HUGE FIERY BALL OF ENERGY BEING THROWN AT YOU. YOUR REFUSAL TO NOT SOAK IT IN LIKE THE SPONGE YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE PAST IS CAUSING IT TO BE BOUNCED BACK ON TO THEM. Of course, they are going to lash out in anger, because they want you to absorb all their negativity, so they can continue to not accept responsibility for their own choices.”
I had help from my teacher today and finally reached this conclusion. She helped me understand that the people doing this to me are NOT FROM THE PAST, so it is different. But, what happens is the ENERGY feels the same as it did in the past and it takes me back; it drags me down to the bottom of that deep dark well. It triggers some of the same helplessness and hopelessness that I felt when I was living in the chaos of my childhood. But I am not a child any longer, although at times it still feels that way. I have control now. I do not have to give up control any longer. I do not have to sacrifice my ‘self’ to anyone for any reason. I can be ‘self’-ish. I have a right to protect my ‘self’.
We all make mistakes and have failures. But, they are NOT always our fault. Whenever two people are involved there is a dynamic going on between them. An energy, if you will, comprised of all that has happened before in the relationship. There is no blame, no shame; only the choices each individual makes for themselves.
I am learning. She is teaching. I trust her wisdom and will absorb the lessons she has to share learned from her own wounded-ness, her own journey—but, only the ones that feel right to me. She would not have it any other way.
I have been blessed. I am grateful to God, the Creator, my Higher Power, my Source, my Beginning for the chances that have been presented to me to heal my past after so many years.
I feel stronger today. I am a survivor who is learning to thrive. I hope someone will be helped by the lessons I am learning on the journey I am taking.