Where did the time go?
I did not realize how long it has been since I posted anything. It has been a rough week. Group was a disaster. I had to run out of the room. Then, my T had to come coax me out of the bathroom, because I had locked myself in there and would not open the door. I was in pain, mentally and physically. She calls it a body memory. I call it body misery.
I am going through a bout with insomnia, which only makes things harder and more stressful. I am feeling paranoid and not wanting to leave the house. Then, I start feeling trapped. Why do I do this to myself? Nothing will happen to me if I walk to the mailbox. Nothing will happen to me if I go sit outside. But, the heat really makes me feel ill, so that is a deterrent to going outside.
My body has been in hyper sensitive mode. For about three days, I felt like there was an electrical current cursing through my veins. I was fighting off memories. But, they came anyway. Still, that fight or flight response takes over and I feel out of control.
My T offered to see me after group, so I took her up on the offer. It did help. So, I saw her three times this past week…once in group, twice in my individual session. I felt better after I saw her Wednesday. I am trying hard to trust her. She has a lot of knowledge about so many things. I want to learn from her. I am just so afraid to connect to anyone. But, I think it is happening in spite of the fear. Of course, that could change within the hour!! I need to give it time. After being with my other T for twenty years, and being hurt the way I was, it will take a while. But, what is time? Time is all I have left. This is just another learning lesson for us. Trust. Trust. Trust. Time. Time. Time. T. T. T. ALL THESE ‘T’ WORDS ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE. Oh, I forgot, I am already insane. At least that is how it feels at times.
Anyway, I have missed by blogger ‘friends’ and I will have to catch up on how everyone is doing. I hope you are all okay and have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.