Thursday,
March 6, 2014
It has
been so long since I have written. A lot
of positive things have happened in my life…more positive than negative, which
seems like a miracle to me.
But
today and the past week, I have been so depressed. I feel like I do not have a life. I do not seem to have a purpose about which I
feel passionate. That statement is not
totally true. I do have someone in my
life that I would like to help and I feel passionate about that idea. This person has a lot going on in their life
and could use a loyal, trustworthy friend to give them help.
I have
been a friend to them for a while now.
In fact a situation arose in my life where I had to live in their
outside room for about six months. Now I
am supposed to be moving back to my house. But I am confused about whether I
should or not. I feel so lost and
confused. I have become accustomed to
being around someone that treats me with respect; that talks to me as an equal;
that enjoys being around me; that appreciates my input. Now I must return to my previous situation
with my husband who treats me just the opposite. I am truly at a loss. I have no other place to go right now. I cannot afford to move out on my own. Both of them are out of town as I attempt
make this transition. This was my choice
because I wanted neither of them to see the pain through which I am going. I do not want my husband to know the dread I
feel nor do I want my friend to see the pain I feel in leaving.
My fear is
that once I am gone, their busy life will not allow me to be as helpful as I
have been in the past few months…out of sight out of mind. I will also miss being around them very
much. I ask myself if I have become
dependent on them. I do not think it is
a codependent relationship. We both do
things separately from each other and are fine with it this way. I think my worry is that I will lose purpose
again. I volunteer at one other place
which I will continue to do. But, I feel
that the Creator has put me in their life for a reason. So if this is what I believe then why am I so
fearful? I should trust the universe to
help me through this whatever the outcome.
Life is always changing. It is
how we handle the changes that either drag us down or help us move
forward. Even though I know this in my
brain, my heart is crying and pleading for this change not to happen.
Peace,
Nico
I chose the
above picture because the past few years I have felt like I bloomed from a
flower, raised from the dead as a cross between a dragonfly and a
butterfly. The breaker of illusions
(dragonfly) and transformation (butterfly).
I look back and see how peaceful I have been with this person in my
life. How much purpose I felt as I
helped with daily chores, pet sitting and things they felt were mundane and
tedious. But these things are what
lifted me out of my depression and gave me a reason to live. I feel useful,
helpful and like I am contributing to someone/something that has a bigger
purpose in life than I do. They have the
ability to help a lot of people not only financially but spiritually. And this they do on a daily basis. Anything I do to help them achieve this helps
me to feel that I am helping also.
