Wednesday, August 31, 2011


"Use this prompt to inspire. Write for 5 minutes:

Instead of landing the space shuttle on earth, its captain steers the shuttle into…"

PHOTO:  Journey to Primordial Spirit: Copyright by Kati Astraeir

After travelling in the Darkness for many light years, the captain felt a calling to a different way.  Thinking that the earth had become a less than desirable place and was filled with dead end roads blocking their desired destination, the captain suddenly decided to listen to intuition and order the ship into hyper drive.  “Let it Be, that we travel to the realm of the unknown,” the captain said to his crew. 

Suddenly, they arrived in the most unimaginable, extraordinary sphere.  The Land of Atonement (at-one-ment) was before them in all its glory and serenity.  It will be in this land that the captain and the crew will come to know each other and their Self.  It is here that bliss (Creator) and pain (humanity) will join to become one.  This will lead to living in peace, love and compassion until all are taken back into Eternal Life.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Ten Minutes of Silence: Smash365

Time + Silence = Tranformation

There was a time when ten minutes of silence would have been excruciating for me to bear.  For in this silence I heard deafening screams. I felt immeasurable suffering.   At that time, my mind broke.  Unknowingly, I became a traveller on the road to wholeness; to the Self.  I had no idea what this undertaking entailed nor did I know what it was called when my journey began.  I was asleep.  
In no way am I claiming that I have arrived at my destination.  I think my life will be a lifelong journey.  How is it possible to ever stop learning; to stop growing emotionally and spiritually?
Now the silence beckons me.  For, in silence, lies transformation; a connection to others, to spirituality, to the Self.  In fact, there are times when I have to MAKE myself leave the silence and interact with the world.  I have to keep my life balanced.  I have to try to stay centered.  It is in this state where I find the most serene peace. 
My goal is to not allow negativity take away my peace.  This is much easier said than done.  But, I do believe I can accomplish this with determined practice. 


I love this song.  I love Ireland and hope to go to my ancestral home one day!
Hope everyone has a wonderful day!  Take care.


Monday, August 29, 2011

The OPEN HEART Is on Fire: The Path to Your Soul’s Freedom

"The most powerful weapon on earth is the human Soul on fire."~~Ferdinand Foch

In the past and because of the nature of my past, i.e. extreme, long term child abuse, my heart was closed not only to me, but to all of mankind.  There was no fire in my soul.  Since, I last wrote, for the most part I have turned inward again.  Some people may think this is selfish or egotistical.  However, I believe it is the path to freedom; the path to letting go of the negative; the path to overcoming the ego; the path to my Creator.
It is not so much that I ignore the world and my surroundings.  I do not…I continue to live each day to the fullest, but my focus has been on the opening of my heart.  I believe it is only when we examine our ‘heart’ which I am using as a representative of our soul, that we can become whole.  We must face the pain of our existence, our humanness.  Even if you have not suffered child abuse, you have suffered.  You will recognize and find your suffering in your defenses; in your reactions to situations; in your ‘shadow’ or ‘light’ aspects of your personality, better known as your ego.
Until recently, I felt I had to encapsulate my heart.  I felt I had to protect it from being vulnerable, from being abused, from feeling, from all the ‘evil’ I feared so vehemently.  I was dreadfully wrong.  This has been the destruction of my soul, my Self.  Ironically, the walls I built to protect myself were the walls that were causing my pain.  For to block out ‘shadow’, we also block out ‘light’.
I am not saying that we go out and find people to abuse us or hurt us or cause us pain—quite the opposite.  We go out in the world and live in compassion and love.  Do to our human tendencies, we all will have pain put in our life, sometimes we might even be the cause of another’s pain.  Hopefully, the pain we cause will not be purposeful; it will be coming from our subconscious or even conscious inadequacies.  We must remember this one basic fact: 

“When someone acts out, when they yell or conduct themselves with arrogance or are purposefully hurtful, it is usually because THEY are hurting in some way, whether they will admit it or not. You have a choice: be in compassion or sit in the pain and resentment that they have shared with you.”  Ayamanatara
We must acknowledge, admit, and accept our inadequacies to overcome what keeps us un-centered. This can be very difficult and extremely painful.  We do not succumb easily to the realization that some of our aspects are on the ‘shadow’ side, or even on the ‘light’ side.  In all aspects of our personalities there are two sides:  shadow and light.  Neither one of them are ‘bad’ in and of themselves.  It is when we are living in the extreme of one or the other that they can become destructive.  It is the extremes that cause destruction and negativity. 
Think of it this way:  In an addiction, is it really the substance that is ‘bad’ i.e. alcohol, food, drugs, religion, etc. ?   I view it more as using the substance to either extreme…this is when it becomes an addiction.  Of course, people realize the ‘shadow’ aspect of addiction…which would be the overuse of a substance.  But have you ever thought about the ‘light’ attribute of addiction—the total abstinence of a substance or the total alignment with a certain world view.  This can be an addiction also.  This too can be an escape from your reality.  It can lead to intolerance, a feeling of superiority and living in illusion.  It can also lead to our causing pain to our fellow humans.
If we try to live centered, in compassion and love, with an open heart—here we will find our protection.  It is in this state of being centered where we will find our true selves.  We will find our Creator, our God, our Source, our Higher Power, and our Self (or whatever terms you choose).   We will need no other protection. For if you honestly know, if you truly believe—when you are openly connected and centered in your Belief, there is nothing you cannot overcome.
Today, I have emerged with a fire in my Soul I have never felt before.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Journey to Silent Listening, “Divine Gloom”, 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 10)

In a sense, I have been away.  But, I have been working on my Creativity Challenge.  I try to create every day. 

Sometimes, my creativity is focused inward.  It is sitting in the silence and listening for its wisdom and healing.   It cannot be expressed in words until I have done the work that needs to be done.  My most recent journey inward has been very painful, yet very healing.  When I realized the process I had been through and the outcome, I was in awe of how the Self and its connection to God, my Creator, my Higher Power, my Source can be unconsciously within us.  There it is—dormant, waiting for us to reach out, waiting for us to feel the healing power within our grasp. 

For me healing is a daily process.  Parts of my soul, my essence were stolen during my childhood.   This left me permeable.  The things that filled these holes were negative.  All the wounds in my soul left me feeling less than human.  I felt cursed and evil. 

But, I AM NOT.  This is what the abuse did to me.  ABUSE MURDERS THE SOUL.  They, the abusers, determined my life for me.  They put me on the path that continued the destruction of my soul. 

Once I finally realized that I no longer had to follow the life they chose for me, that I could choose the life I wanted to live, I began to heal.  This is a realization that all people need to experience, not just survivors of abuse or trauma.  I believe that every person  has wounded souls.  This is part of life.  It is the nature of our existence.

I had to search for myself.  I had to find the parts that were stripped from me, the parts that dissociated and kept me alive through some very unbearable, unspeakable pain.  I have to reclaim my soul that was shattered.  I have to reclaim my mind.  I have to remove the negative.  No one can do this for me.  Yes, I need help and support.  But the work has to come from within me.  I have to go into many dark places to find what needs to be found.  I will be totally honest with you, it is a painful journey.  I have no choice in this.  If I want to become whole and healed, this is what I feel I need to do.  It may not be the same for everyone.  We all heal differently. 

I am no longer afraid of the pain.  I will not avoid it.  It will no longer conquer my soul. 


By:  William Ernest Henley

“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

During my participation of the #Trust30 Ralph Waldo Emerson Challenge, my friend Michi Lantz (you can find her here: http://barefootonsacredground.wordpress.com/ ) suggested I listen to this poem on You Tube.  I had heard of it but never really ‘heard’ it…if you understand what I mean.  You can listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/user/Interrutpion?feature=mhum#p/c/9F1F9610BB3263AD/0/Nv2Thlik6ck

This realization that I can heal myself is very powerful.  The healing process is very painful, yet cleansing.  It is a lifelong journey, because we never know when pain will enter our lives, we just know it is inevitable.  Left unprocessed and unhealed, pain and the loss of soul it creates, wreak havoc in our lives.

My wish is for all of humanity to be healed.   If we each work on healing ourselves and helping each other on our journey, it can happen.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Oleg Korolev Peresvet, Oslyabya, Divine Gloom

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sometimes, I Just Wonder Why…30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 9)

Why?  Why was I born?  Why was I born into MY particular family?  Why was I neglected?  Why did I almost die at 14 months from malnutrition and neglect?  Why did they hurt me?  Why did I never receive the love I deserved as a child?  Why was I abused?

Why does it still hurt so much?  Why do I wake up some mornings and wonder the reason I am still alive?  Why hasn’t all these years of therapy ‘cured’ me?  Why can’t I get past ‘the past’?  Why hasn’t feeling all the pain, loss, and abandonment I experienced made the past ‘go away’?  Why are so many wounds still festering and bleeding?

So then from ‘why’, I go to ‘HOW’?


Then, I look outside my window and see the sky, the trees glistening in the sun, the birds resting on the branches, and the squirrels romping from tree to high wires.  I see my dog sleeping peacefully on her bed. 


Do I need the answers to these questions to live my life?  Possibly, that answer is no, because there are no good answers.  I have searched and only found one answer:  humans choose to do good or evil.

ALL THERE IS FOR ME TODAY IS BLIND FAITH--faith in something bigger than all of us; kinder than all of us.   A Creator showing me that life is fragile and filled with humanness.  That all of us are wounded in some way, some fashion, and if we are not feeling it today…then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. 

So I will continue the good fight.  I will choose life.  I will find some way to help serve humanity…a smile given to a stranger, a friendly hello, a call to an old friend.  Today I will believe: “Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.”  Edmund Burke.  

 It is the smallest things in life that can make the biggest difference.

Go out today and live small.  Live your life gently.  Create.



Tuesday, August 9, 2011

“A Change Can Do You Good,” 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 8)

I am not feeling very creative.  In fact, I am feeling drained.   This thought process will have to be my creaivity for today. 

Today, I went to group.  I feel much support there.  It is a very ‘real’ place to be.  There are no illusions in place. 

My problem is with a friend.  I see changes coming in our relationship.  This saddens me.  I know I will do whatever I can do keep the friendship alive, but I have my doubts it will work out.  Our paths have come to a juncture.  We seem to be going in different directions.  This is not necessarily wrong.  We each have our journey to take in this life.  Sometimes, when people go inward to find their inner truth, their true Self, friendships can suffer.  It is not whether one journey is better or more important.  It is not that one person’s thoughts or actions are on a higher level.  Some people change, drop their illusions and begin to view life in a different way.  Some people are not ready for change and cling to their illusions for their survival.  There is no judgment here.  What I feel is loss, abandonment, and sadness.  I know these are my emotions at play, coming from my own issues that are still unresolved. 

I will have to learn the process of detaching with love and compassion, not with anger.  I believe I can do this.  By choosing to let go with gentleness in my heart, I leave the door open for a re-attaching in the future.  However, I will accept the reality that this could be the end of a very long friendship.

The following quote is reveals what this friend help me accomplish.  I will be forever grateful for the time we shared. 

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer



 Albrecht Dürer:  Melencolia 1
Engraving Year 1514

Sunday, August 7, 2011

My 7 Links

Thank you Denise at DENISE'S BLOG for nominating me for this challenge.  Here is the link to the "My 7 Links" Page:  My 7 Links Homepage
They also have a facebook page:  Tripbase Blog You can 'like' the page and post your link to it.

Here are the links I have chosen from my blog:

My most beautiful post:  Ten Year Text  I felt this was one of my more joyful posts!!
My most popular post:  Thoughts on the Holocaust, Similarities in Surviving (Post 4)  As a survivor of long term child abuse, I have felt a connection to many Holocaust survivors and read many books about their trauma.  This post by far has had the most 'hits' on my blog.

My most controversial post:  Thoughts on the Holocaust, Similarities in Surviving (Post 2) This post is about suicidal ideation and I have found that many people do not want to approach the subject.

My most helpful post:  Deep In Your Soul  It was one of the most helpful to me.

A post whose success surprised me:  A Call To Arms #Trust30  This one got a very positve response and I was not expecting much from it.  It did not take me very long to write. 

A post I feel did not get the attention it deserved:  Personal Recipe  WELL, I liked it!!

The post I am most proud of:  My Intuition is ANKH I totally took a different approach on this post by not describing my intuition as a person.

I have nominatied the following people to post their 7 links:

Peeling Away the Layers, 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 7)

Today begins the remodeling of one of our bathrooms.  A while back it was flooded.  A company came in sucked up all the excess water, ripped out the flooring, drilled holes in the bottom of the walls, and brought in huge heaters and dehumidifiers to make sure everything was dry...even the hidden places behind the walls.

Now, I will begin to peel away the wallpaper to get down to the bare walls.  The holes will have to be repaired.  There will be a lot of work required before I can start creating a new, functional bathroom.

Let me explain.  When I was thinking about all of these things, I realized that anytime we create something new, whether it is in the physical world or our inner world there is a ‘peeling away’, a dismantling process, a destruction.  We must remove the old, the outdated, and the things which do not fit before we can birth our new creation.

So today, as I begin peeling away in the physical world, I will be reminded of the work I need to do in my inner, spiritual world.  I will think about what old ways of thinking and acting need to be cast out of my mind, my heart, my soul to help on my journey to create the Self.  Because, this life is not about our ego or the self (with a small ‘s’).  This life is about becoming connected to our God, Creator, Higher Power, The Source…which is a part of our being called the Self (with a capital ‘S’).  Even when we reach this ‘Self’, our journey of recreation will continue to keep up with the flow of constant change in our universe.  Recreation needs to happen on a daily basis.  If we do not continually clear our minds from the ‘floods’ of which daily life inundates us, I think we will become filled with mold in the dark, damp places behind our ‘walls’.  The ‘holes’ in our hearts and souls will become larger leaving us susceptible to ugliness and evil. 

In my opinion this causes us to slip back into our self egotistical states which only cause harm, not only to our ‘Self’ but to all others in which we have contact.  Since we are human, we must continually strive to find the ‘God within’ and work to stay connected to this Sacred Being; this will help keep us on our ‘Sacred Path’.


Saturday, August 6, 2011

Painting with a Twist 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 6)

I am trying to be committed to experiencing new things.  This certainly takes me out of my comfort zone, maybe more than anyone can imagine.  I still deal with a lot of fear on a daily basis.  One of the fears is leaving the house alone, especially if it means going into unfamiliar territory. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to attend a private “Painting with a Twist” party.  This is a place to go to socialize and receive instructions to paint a picture.  It took me a while to respond to the invitation.  However, I am reading a book which talks about learning from all situations in your life; that there are reasons certain people have entered your life.  You have to be open to this adventure of exploration. 

I feel very insecure and ‘less’ when I am around the people that were going attend  this party.  But, I reached inside to find my adventurous, artistic spirit so I can have the opportunity to learn from these people that make me feel ‘less’.  What is inside of me that causes me to feel this way?  What is it that I need to focus my energy on to overcome these feelings?  What lessons do I need to learn from these people?  They are in my life for a reason and while they are here, I need to learn about my insecurities and how to overcome them.

So, I went.  I have a lot of inside work to do with this part of me.  But, I accept that it is my OWN attitude causing my fear.  It has nothing to do with them.  I do not have the answer yet.  I will have to do some soul-searching to come up with a good solution to my problem.  But, I think the acknowledgement is the first step—the ‘opening of the door’ that has been shut for many years. 

Here is what I created while I was there!  It is my first attempt at painting with acrylics.  It was so enjoyable and while I was painting my fear and insecurities of the other people totally disappeared.  We were all new and inexperienced in this adventure.  It was certainly a learning experience in many different ways!

The perfectionist in me sees all the flaws and the ways I could change things about this picture.  I respond to those criticisms with, "You were painting from your soul, this is your creation.  Why do you see it as 'less' than perfect?  There is beauty to be found even in the imperfect.  In fact, it is the ‘imperfect’ that makes it beautiful.  It is called unique.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Surrender Box 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 5)

The Surrender Box

About six weeks ago, my teacher suggested that I create a box in which to put some of my most painful writings/memories.  My procrastinator has been refusing to finish this box until yesterday, when at last I put the final decoration on it!  This challenge was driving me to complete it!

I had been feeling so insecure about what she (my teacher) would think about the way the box looked.  It was a ‘group’ effort in decorating it.  So, as you will see in the picture below, it is a hodgepodge of ‘collectibles’.  All of the items used to decorate the box have just been ‘hanging around’ the house in various places not being utilized.  Different ‘parts’ have purchased these things over the years or they were given to us by various people or they were souvenirs.  So what was thought of initially as ‘junk’ or ‘clutter’ has become a part of our “Surrender Box”.   Everything on this box has a symbolic meaning or a memory attached to it.  Some might find it silly, some might find it meaningful; for me it is SACRED.  It is a way to help me release the painful and negative energy that my past has kept me ‘boxed’ within.  So, it is coming out of my 'inner box’ and going into the ‘surrender box’ to be released.  When the time comes, when I am ready, everything inside it will be burned or buried as my final release.

I just have to add that creating this box was cathartic in itself.

Okay, don’t laugh or ..... laugh, WHATEVER!!! 


Left Side

Right Side



Top Inside

Top Inside

My Surrender Box

I found an article online that will explain the purpose of this box, in case you have never heard of the idea before now.  You can find it here at My Daily Om The Surrender Box


Thursday, August 4, 2011

JUST AN INNOCENT PICTURE? 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 4)

This is a picture that I have hanging in my room.  It is very old; possibly 60 years or more.  It belonged to my maternal grand-parents.  So, in some ways I cherish that it ended up in my care until it is passed on to someone else.

But, I have to admit that this picture evokes tremendous pain in my soul.  It brings forth my wounded child.  Sadly, this child still longs to be taken care of by a loving mother; longs for the attachment that was never made; longs to be loved by her siblings.

Maybe today I am sitting in vulnerability and my emotions are surfacing more than I would like.  While it is painful, it is not necessarily a negative experience.  It is a sign that I need to work on a part of my soul that has been neglected; a part of me that I keep trying to deny and put aside until I am ready to ‘deal’ with it.  But, this is not how life works.  This is not how the path to wholeness works.  Change refuses to be minimized and neglected, the way the wounded child was minimized and neglected.  Change must be embraced with a loving hug that the wounded child never experienced.  Change must be allowed to grow the soul that was stifled in the wounded child.

One must be open to change whenever it appears on your path.  We are constantly changing whether we realize it or not.  The way to wholeness is to embrace all change and learn the lessons it is trying to teach us.  When we embrace all of our Self, we will move closer to our Creator.  This is what our Self, our Soul longs for…the connectedness to our Creator.  We must overcome the obstacles in our life that have disconnected us from our Creator.  This, my dear readers is what I believe will lead us to wholeness.  This is what will lead us to inner peace.



Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Poetry from the Past

Sad by believerinmiracles 16 PHOTOBUCKET


Before we meet again, will it be over?
Will you look for me in a green field of clover?

I hear these strange voices calling for me.
They will lead me to darkness for eternity.

I can’t seem to go on, the struggle has ended.
The darkness surrounds me, it has finally descended.

If we meet again, it will not be the same—
For you shall not see me, but only my name.

OKAY...I was in a very, very deep well!

Peace, Nico

WORRY BEADS~~30 Day Creativity Challenge (day 3)

Yesterday in group, our teacher surprised each of us with a wonderful souvenir from Greece.  Worry beads!  I found the following explanation on Google and thought I would share it. Here are some pictures of them.  Unfortunately the close-up shots are a little blurred because my hands sometime shake!

The beads have silver sparkles in them!

She is such an awesome person.  My life has been blessed and I am grateful for her presence in it.

Greek Worry Beads

"Greek worry beads, sometimes called Komboloi have been part and parcel of the Greek way of life for many centuries.

 Greek tradition holds that the Greek worry beads in particular are derived from the knotted “prayer strands” used by Greek Orthodox Monks.

Formed in many shapes and sizes today, the usual material for Greek worry beads is Amber. Formed in short strands of between sixteen and twenty beads, Greek worry beads are worked in the fingers to reduce stress and help people to meditate and to think.

Moving the Greek worry beads back and forth or running them between fingers is an addictive and very calming activity.  Some people simply roll the beads around in their palm whilst other set up a repetitive and complex rhythm which when performed at a high speed can make the beads appear to move so fast that they become a blur.

The tradition of Greek worry beads has passed across oceans and today many people all over the world make use of the attractive beads either using them in their intended way or as a beautiful ornament.

Some Greek worry beads, in particular those designed for sale to tourists, include a small St Christopher or a charm and these can often be seen hanging in cars on rear view mirrors.

Whether you intend to buy some Greek worry beads for use or ornament, you could not have a wider choice than that which is available today.

Smooth semi-precious beads strung on leather or cord, glass or bone on fine silver or gold chains, carved or moulded plastic and as many colours as the rainbow, Greek worry beads are becoming more and more popular as people seek some soothing activities which might help them to deal with everyday stress.

Those people who become a fan of Greek worry beads maintain that they become more than a simple set of beads to them; indeed they can feel as though they contain an actual positive force, an energising power which becomes a faithful support for the owner.

Not only used in the relieving of stress but also as a diet aid or even to keep fingers busy when a person is giving up smoking, Greek worry beads seem to be genuinely useful to many people.

Greek worry beads are available today in many shops both online and in the high street. The many styles available ensure that there will be a set out there for you. When choosing a set it is advisable to touch and feel the beads before buying them. Some will undoubtedly feel more pleasant to the touch than others. Like buying shoes you need to find the right fit!
From - http://worrybeads.org/greek-worry-beads/”

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

30 Day Creativity Challenge Day 2

For a couple of months I have been trying to create my own 'space' in one of our extra rooms.  It is still a work in progress, but this is a picture of some of the things that give me inspiration and help me start my day feeling calm and centered.

I have one of my Samuel Bak posters "Elegy III" 1997.  Samuel Bak is a Holocaust survivor.  His paintings are full of symbolic meaning.  For several years now, I have been a follower of his work.  There is something that draws me into his paintings.  While I have never met him personally, I feel a spiritual connection to him.  It is hard to explain.  Here is a close-up of the picture.
Elegy III, 1997 Samuel Bak

Of course, I have my ANKH reminding me to listen to my intuition; a Celtic Cross in memory of my Irish heritage; a Cross that my cousin made for me; peacock feathers; a picture of the Virgin Mary; an Angel light; Isis; White Tara; Buddha; sea shells; my Scentsy burner; candles; my sleeping child Angel; my stuffed animals for the 'children' within; and to the left of the table is a statue of 'The Lamb of God'.  This statue used to be in the Catholic school I attended which has since closed many years ago.  It was donated in honor of a cousin I never met...as she died when she was three from diphtheria many years ago.  The table itself belonged to my paternal grandmother.  Here is a close-up of the table.

So, here is day two of my Creativity Challenge.  This challenge will help motivate me to finish my room!!


Monday, August 1, 2011

30 Day Creativity Challenge (Day 1)

Okay...from the inspiration of some fellow bloggers and facebook friends, I am going to try to take a picture, make a craft, draw or make something and post it to facebook and my blog!

Wish me luck!

My first photo is cheating just a little!  I made this for my 'teacher' and gave it to her Friday after she returned from Greece!!

'Hania' is a Hebrew name for 'a resting place; to be happy'.  In'Lakesh (from Michi Lantz means, 'I am another you and you are another me.'
There is a lot of symbolism in this picture. 

Peace, Nico