HERE WE GO AGAIN

Monday, March 24, 2014

I had a very rough weekend.  I was supposed to go to psychodrama all weekend but I only made Friday evening.  We were doing an exercise call the social atom.  It is where you draw circles around each other with the inner most circle representing “me”.  Then you put the people in your life in proximity to “me”.  I realized that there are so few people in my life.  Everyone else had so many people surrounding them.  Some close and some outside of their circle.  They were talking about feeling joy and happiness.  If freaked me out.  When it was over, I left and totally disintegrated.  It is the same pattern I go through every time something happens. I go into isolation and do not want to be around people.  So, I did not go to the rest of the workshop.  Now, I regret not going.  This is not a healthy way to respond to life.  One would think that after all the years I spent in therapy and psychodrama I could react in a more controlled way.  That I could learn a different pattern to use.

 

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP…

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE

Thursday, March 6, 2014

 

It has been so long since I have written.  A lot of positive things have happened in my life…more positive than negative, which seems like a miracle to me.

But today and the past week, I have been so depressed.  I feel like I do not have a life.  I do not seem to have a purpose about which I feel passionate.  That statement is not totally true.  I do have someone in my life that I would like to help and I feel passionate about that idea.  This person has a lot going on in their life and could use a loyal, trustworthy friend to give them help.

 

I have been a friend to them for a while now.  In fact a situation arose in my life where I had to live in their outside room for about six months.  Now I am supposed to be moving back to my house. But I am confused about whether I should or not.  I feel so lost and confused.  I have become accustomed to being around someone that treats me with respect; that talks to me as an equal; that enjoys being around me; that appreciates my input.  Now I must return to my previous situation with my husband who treats me just the opposite.  I am truly at a loss.  I have no other place to go right now.  I cannot afford to move out on my own.  Both of them are out of town as I attempt make this transition.  This was my choice because I wanted neither of them to see the pain through which I am going.  I do not want my husband to know the dread I feel nor do I want my friend to see the pain I feel in leaving. 

 

My fear is that once I am gone, their busy life will not allow me to be as helpful as I have been in the past few months…out of sight out of mind.  I will also miss being around them very much.  I ask myself if I have become dependent on them.  I do not think it is a codependent relationship.  We both do things separately from each other and are fine with it this way.  I think my worry is that I will lose purpose again.  I volunteer at one other place which I will continue to do.  But, I feel that the Creator has put me in their life for a reason.  So if this is what I believe then why am I so fearful?  I should trust the universe to help me through this whatever the outcome.  Life is always changing.  It is how we handle the changes that either drag us down or help us move forward.  Even though I know this in my brain, my heart is crying and pleading for this change not to happen. 

Peace,

Nico

 

I chose the above picture because the past few years I have felt like I bloomed from a flower, raised from the dead as a cross between a dragonfly and a butterfly.  The breaker of illusions (dragonfly) and transformation (butterfly).  I look back and see how peaceful I have been with this person in my life.  How much purpose I felt as I helped with daily chores, pet sitting and things they felt were mundane and tedious.  But these things are what lifted me out of my depression and gave me a reason to live. I feel useful, helpful and like I am contributing to someone/something that has a bigger purpose in life than I do.  They have the ability to help a lot of people not only financially but spiritually.  And this they do on a daily basis.  Anything I do to help them achieve this helps me to feel that I am helping also. 

 

 

 

 

Smash365: Statement: An attempt to answer two comments from ‘Anonymous’ on my writing ‘Perfection’.

The reason one writes isn’t the fact he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Step on your soapbox and write about what is on your mind. Make a statement in your writing about anything that is residing within you. The end of a 4-day holiday weekend? Black Friday shopping? The space between holidays and the coming new year?

Make a statement without judgment. Give yourself the platform you need to shout it out on paper for ten minutes.

Where did writing take you today?

 Picture:  Dante:  Angels

My thoughts:

When I opened my email today, I had this prompt and two comments from ‘anonymous’ on my article titled ‘Perfection’.

This is my human attempt to answer the two following comments:

1)

Nico,
I saw your posting on Let Go Let Peace Come In. I am deeply disturbed by Penn State scandal and feel that I must do something. I am a mother of two boys and work full time but there must be something I can do... Any ideas?

2)

Nico,
One more question... I am having a hard time with the fact that g-d would allow innocent children get raped over and over again... I am losing my faith. How do you forgive g-d for allowing all that happened to you to take place?


My Answer:

The first answer that comes to mind for question one is vigilance.  If you see or suspect any type of abuse, whether it is with a child or an adult do not be afraid to report it.  When people do nothing evil blooms.  Do not assume that someone else will take a stand against abuse.  Never make that assumption.  Take action by reporting it.  You have nothing to lose, but whoever might be the victim of abuse has their Soul to lose…because abuse murders the Soul.  If you do not have time or the ability to volunteer, you might donate money to a shelter or home.  You could write letters to your Senators and Congressman to help change laws.

To answer your second question, I must take the liberty to express MY PERSONAL BELIEFS about g-d.  By no means am I trying to change or challenge your beliefs or convince you of anything different than what you believe. 

I do not believe that g-d ‘allows innocent children to get raped’.  I do not believe in a punishing g-d.  We are the ones who forget g-d, not the other way around.  Humans have free will.  Humans have choice to do good or evil.  It is humankind hurting each other.  I do not feel any need to forgive g-d.  The direction my forgiveness has to take is towards my abusers.  They are the ones who inflicted the pain and anguish I endured as a child.  They are the reasons I chose to live in the suffering and anguish I experienced as an adult.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  I chose to continue my suffering as an adult.  No, I did not realize I was choosing.  I felt helpless and hopeless.  Just as when I was a child, as an adult I saw no way out.  I felt trapped and imprisoned.  I could not let go of the pain.  I had no hope.  I was disillusioned with g-d, but did not blame g-d.

It has been a long journey to heal my Soul back to life.  But now I feel the winds have turned and I am moving forward.  Yes, I still have difficult times.  However, the darkness now goes away after I feel the pain.  Until recently I lived in continual darkness.  That has been my path and I have accepted it.  It has led me to become the person I am today.  I have no regrets.

It was not until I realized that other choices were available to me, and I felt empowered that I began to make my own decisions on how I wanted to live; that I began to take control of my life.  The abuse was not from g-d, it was from humans.  Humans are weak.  Our ego controls our actions.  WE HAVE TO LET GO OF OUR EGO and find our HIGHER SELF to reconnect with g-d.  Healing is about forgiveness, love and learning to connect…because as a victim/survivor we do not trust enough to connect on a Soul level to others.  Without connections we shrivel up and die not only emotionally, but spiritually.  With connections we THRIVE.  With connections we can begin to forgive, take in the painful lessons our past has taught us, and use them to help others. 

Hope never dies.  Never give up.  To give up is to allow the abusers victory.  There are no winners in these situations.  So we learn to live our life to the fullest and try to make a difference whenever we can.  Hopefully, once we heal, our suffering will have taught us compassion for others; made us more loving people; and make us realize that g-d was with us through it all.

I hope you will not lose faith.  If at all possible connect to g-d.  That is the beginning of our Soul and that is where healing begins.  You are not alone.

Peace,

Nico

Smash 365: PERFECTION

We keep searching for perfection, and in our search we find that everything in the universe is perfect except the humans. The sun is perfect, the stars are perfect, the planets are perfect, but when it comes to the humans, “Nobody’s perfect.” The truth is that everything in creation is perfect, including the humans. ~Don Miguel Ruiz, The Fifth Agreement

What stops us from seeing ourselves as perfect? Redefine “perfect” for humans and make a list of the things that make you perfect.

My Thoughts:

In one word, EGO stops us from seeing ourselves as perfect.  ‘Perfect’ does not mean conceited or arrogant.  ‘Perfect’ to me means living in a state of openness and love, tethered to our Creator.  When we live in the state of ego, we depend on our attachment to others as the reflection of our selves.  This, I believe is a hurtful way to see ourselves because how others see us comes from their reality and their ego.  Depending on our attachment’s moods and whims, one day they may see us as good; the next they may see us as causing pain.  So while we are affirmed with love one day, we are suffering and in pain the next.   But in reality, we all cause our own drama.  The responsibility for our life is within us.

 I am not speaking of a child because children are born innocent.  Children have to rely on their caregivers to protect them and nurture them.  But as adults we must take responsibility for our actions and strive to let our ego die.  The Creator is calling our Soul.  Our Soul longs for a reunion to the Creator.  When we refuse the call, we become frozen in our ego.  I am not speaking of physical death.  It is a spiritual death and rebirth while we are here on the Earth.

The thing that makes me ‘perfect’ is my belief that I originate from the Creator and I am a part of the Creator.  Because of this, I am a part of the Universe which lives in the Creator.  I am in a continuous search for my Soul.  But I do realize that ‘perfection’ can be fleeting.  I am also still human; therefore the ego will be with me until the end.  The trick is to learn to live as the Self because the Self is your Soul, the Soul is love, and love comes from our connection to the Creator.

Peace,

Nico

Smash365: Domestication

"Humans are dreaming all the time. Before we were born the humans before us created a big outside dream that we will call society’s dream or the dream of the planet. The dream of the planet is the collective dreams of billions of smaller, personal dreams, which together create a dream of a family, a dream of a community, a dream of a city, a dream of a country, and finally a dream of the whole humanity. The dream of the planet includes all of society’s rules, its beliefs, its laws, its religions, its different cultures and ways to be, its governments, schools, social events, and holidays." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, “Domestication and the Dream of the Planet”

Do you accept fully Ruiz’ statement that humans are dreaming all the time? Write about your awareness and/or acceptance of Ruiz’ “dream of the planet” and your own domestication.

My Thoughts:

Unless you have read this book, you might not fully understand the term “dream” as Ruiz comprehends it.  He is not talking about dreaming in the sense of during sleep. 

I cannot disagree with his belief.  We have created this ‘reality’ in which we live.  The farther away humanity as a whole becomes separated from the Creator, God, Higher Power, Source, or the word of your choice, the more we live in an illusion of who we are and from where we came.  We lose our connection to our Soul or Spirit.  We lose our ‘Life Force’.  We lose our ‘Energy’.  We lose our ‘Light’. 

I believe this is why there is so much chaos in our world.  We have forgotten that everything we are, everything we have comes from our Creator. Our ‘domestication’ begins at birth when we are taught what our parents or caregivers ‘dream’ is the correct way to live, the correct way to view the world. 

We can continue to live in this illusion we have been given or we can begin our own search for our true Soul.  No other person can give us OUR connection to our Creator.  We have to search and find for ourselves that umbilical cord that is connected to our Creator while we are here on earth.  When we finally find that connection, we transform into who we are really meant to be.  We find that our main purpose in this life is to create love for all things and spread peace.  We learn to recognize that there are billions of umbilical cords coming from the same Source—that everything is connected and alive.

I cannot pretend to comprehend all the wisdom of Don Miguel Ruiz.  I agree with the four agreements he presents in this book.  I have read this book and continue to re-read it because every time I do, I learn more how to live as our Creator intends for us to live.

I believe that we learn to live as a ‘Soul’ from many sources.  Long ago I dropped the illusion that there is only one source of wisdom.  This works for me, but it may not work for others.  I believe we need to find whatever works for each of us to live with integrity and in the Light of our Creator.

Peace.

Nico

Smash365: Purity Everything and Everyone is Connected

Smash365:  Purity

Everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God. . . Human perception is merely light perceiving light. . . .Matter is a mirror — everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of light — and the world of illusion, the Dream, is just like smoke which doesn’t allow us to see what we really are. ‘The real us is pure love, pure light.’” ~Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Take time today to observe a natural setting. While studying the grass, the trees, the sky, consider each as its own entity and not existing for our needs, our uses. Strip away the labels we have given these natural things, and then reflect on their individual beauty — a beauty that has nothing to do with human beings.

When you write, stay focused on the purity of each natural existence. What happens when we remove the man-made mist surrounding them?

My Thoughts:

“When we remove the man-made mist surrounding them,” the first veil drops from our sight and we finally see the reality of whom and what we are…we are also a part of the grass, the trees, the sky.  All is created with light and energy emanating from the Creator.  When we refuse to acknowledge this one and only reality our light dims and our energy lessens.  Life becomes full of trials and tribulations that are difficult if not impossible to overcome.  We feel alone and unloved.  Until we return to our true essence, our soul, we are not ALIVE.  WE MERELY EXIST.  Our human birth has made us forget our true identity.  We have become the ideas of our parents, our religion, and our cultures.  But, I believe we only have one identity and that is the one we came from as Spirit from our Creator.  Our goal in life is to become find and become that Soul and embody the life it is meant to live.

Peace.

Nico

Breathe life into my soul

All I really want is for the Creator to breathe life into my soul.  I want to feel alive.  I don’t want to feel dead anymore. 

While I may have been born many years ago, I have never felt alive; I have never lived my life.  It has always felt like I was on the outside of everything and everyone, watching but never participating. 

I want to be a part of life.   I want to belong.  I want to be. 

Why can I not feel this way?

Peace.

Nico

STOP CHILD ABUSE.  IT MURDERS THE SOUL.