Painting with a Twist 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 6)

I am trying to be committed to experiencing new things.  This certainly takes me out of my comfort zone, maybe more than anyone can imagine.  I still deal with a lot of fear on a daily basis.  One of the fears is leaving the house alone, especially if it means going into unfamiliar territory. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to attend a private “Painting with a Twist” party.  This is a place to go to socialize and receive instructions to paint a picture.  It took me a while to respond to the invitation.  However, I am reading a book which talks about learning from all situations in your life; that there are reasons certain people have entered your life.  You have to be open to this adventure of exploration. 

I feel very insecure and ‘less’ when I am around the people that were going attend  this party.  But, I reached inside to find my adventurous, artistic spirit so I can have the opportunity to learn from these people that make me feel ‘less’.  What is inside of me that causes me to feel this way?  What is it that I need to focus my energy on to overcome these feelings?  What lessons do I need to learn from these people?  They are in my life for a reason and while they are here, I need to learn about my insecurities and how to overcome them.

So, I went.  I have a lot of inside work to do with this part of me.  But, I accept that it is my OWN attitude causing my fear.  It has nothing to do with them.  I do not have the answer yet.  I will have to do some soul-searching to come up with a good solution to my problem.  But, I think the acknowledgement is the first step—the ‘opening of the door’ that has been shut for many years. 

Here is what I created while I was there!  It is my first attempt at painting with acrylics.  It was so enjoyable and while I was painting my fear and insecurities of the other people totally disappeared.  We were all new and inexperienced in this adventure.  It was certainly a learning experience in many different ways!

The perfectionist in me sees all the flaws and the ways I could change things about this picture.  I respond to those criticisms with, "You were painting from your soul, this is your creation.  Why do you see it as 'less' than perfect?  There is beauty to be found even in the imperfect.  In fact, it is the ‘imperfect’ that makes it beautiful.  It is called unique.

Peace. 

Nico

TIME TO FIND THE WORDS

Where did the time go?

I did not realize how long it has been since I posted anything.  It has been a rough week.  Group was a disaster.  I had to run out of the room.  Then, my T had to come coax me out of the bathroom, because I had locked myself in there and would not open the door.  I was in pain, mentally and physically.  She calls it a body memory.  I call it body misery. 

I am going through a bout with insomnia, which only makes things harder and more stressful.  I am feeling paranoid and not wanting to leave the house.  Then, I start feeling trapped.  Why do I do this to myself?  Nothing will happen to me if I walk to the mailbox.  Nothing will happen to me if I go sit outside.  But, the heat really makes me feel ill, so that is a deterrent to going outside. 

My body has been in hyper sensitive mode.  For about three days, I felt like there was an electrical current cursing through my veins.  I was fighting off memories.  But, they came anyway.  Still, that fight or flight response takes over and I feel out of control. 

My T offered to see me after group, so I took her up on the offer.  It did help.  So, I saw her three times this past week…once in group, twice in my individual session.  I felt better after I saw her Wednesday.  I am trying hard to trust her.  She has a lot of knowledge about so many things.  I want to learn from her.  I am just so afraid to connect to anyone.  But, I think it is happening in spite of the fear.  Of course, that could change within the hour!!  I need to give it time.  After being with my other T for twenty years, and being hurt the way I was, it will take a while. But, what is time?  Time is all I have left.  This is just another learning lesson for us.  Trust.  Trust.  Trust.       Time.  Time.  Time.         T.  T.  T.          ALL THESE ‘T’ WORDS ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE.  Oh, I forgot, I am already insane.  At least that is how it feels at times. 

Anyway, I have missed by blogger ‘friends’ and I will have to catch up on how everyone is doing.  I hope you are all okay and have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.



A Day in the Life...

Oh no.  The dreaded Monday.  The day of reckoning.  Decisions, decisions, decisions.  Do I set foot out of the house?  I mean this literally.  Do I dare open the door?  I mean this literally, also.  Do I take the short trip down the drive to fetch the mail?  Yes, literally.   And most of all, can I make it to the store?  You may think that I am insane, but you see, these seemingly mundane tasks are monumental to me.  Agoraphobia rules my world.  What is agoraphobia you ask?  According to "Merriam-Webster",  it is 'the abnormal fear of being in a helpless, embarrassing or inescapable situation characterized esp. by avoidance of open or public places.'  Such a nice, neat little definition.  However, it does not do it justice.  'Avoidance', 'abnormal'...excellent terms.  But, truly...'abnormal fear', NO, NO, NO.  Come on people.  GET REAL!!  Let us go with PARALYZING FEAR.   Or SUFFOCATING FEAR.  And the 'situation' would be avoiding the PRISON of the outside world.  Because once the door is opened,  the prison engulfs you and you are trapped forever in a maze filled with obstacles that will not let you go forward.  A maze filled with monsters lurking around every corner, ready to attack you and take you their prisoner for life.   'Open or public places', there is nothing 'open' about them in my eyes.  They are traps or cells.  They are bounded spaces.  There is no exit.   No, I am not schizophrenic.  No, once again, I am not CRAZY.  No, this is not your run of the mill paranoia.  THIS IS A GENERALIZED FEAR.  This is a day in my life...or more accurately stated, this is just the first few minutes of my day.  The 'inescapable situation'...well, that would be my past.  It is NEVER far behind me.  Believe me when I say I have tried to forget, to put it all behind me.  It just will not go away.  How could it?  It was my life.  I lived through it and all the memories are etched in my brain.  They have carved a path deeper than the Grand Canyon.  What would it take to fill the Grand Canyon?  My answer...either a miracle or a monumental disaster.  So, here I am, biding time, waiting for one of the inevitable to free me from this prison called life.