Sometimes, I Just Wonder Why…30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 9)

Why?  Why was I born?  Why was I born into MY particular family?  Why was I neglected?  Why did I almost die at 14 months from malnutrition and neglect?  Why did they hurt me?  Why did I never receive the love I deserved as a child?  Why was I abused?

Why does it still hurt so much?  Why do I wake up some mornings and wonder the reason I am still alive?  Why hasn’t all these years of therapy ‘cured’ me?  Why can’t I get past ‘the past’?  Why hasn’t feeling all the pain, loss, and abandonment I experienced made the past ‘go away’?  Why are so many wounds still festering and bleeding?

So then from ‘why’, I go to ‘HOW’?

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN LIVING SO DEEP INSIDE MY SOUL; THIS ALL-CONSUMING VOID THAT IS ALIVE AND WELL TODAY; THIS DREAD SWIMMING IN MY HEAD?

Then, I look outside my window and see the sky, the trees glistening in the sun, the birds resting on the branches, and the squirrels romping from tree to high wires.  I see my dog sleeping peacefully on her bed. 

I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  ALL I HAVE IS THIS MYSTERIOUS FAITH; THIS INNER SOURCE TELLING ME TO LIVE. 

Do I need the answers to these questions to live my life?  Possibly, that answer is no, because there are no good answers.  I have searched and only found one answer:  humans choose to do good or evil.

ALL THERE IS FOR ME TODAY IS BLIND FAITH--faith in something bigger than all of us; kinder than all of us.   A Creator showing me that life is fragile and filled with humanness.  That all of us are wounded in some way, some fashion, and if we are not feeling it today…then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. 

So I will continue the good fight.  I will choose life.  I will find some way to help serve humanity…a smile given to a stranger, a friendly hello, a call to an old friend.  Today I will believe: “Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.”  Edmund Burke.  

 It is the smallest things in life that can make the biggest difference.

Go out today and live small.  Live your life gently.  Create.

Peace.

Nico

ON BEING ALONE

Photo Copyright:  Oleg Korolev, "Prodigal Son"

"When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death -- ourselves."~~Eda LeShan

Until recently, being alone was very difficult.  I hated it.  I did not know what to do with ‘being alone’.  For a long time, I would desperately try to escape the FEELING.

I am sure many of you know how to escape…eating, drinking, television, music, reading fiction, drugs…the ways are almost endless. Did it help?  To be brutally honest, NO IT DID NOT HELP.  In fact, it made it worse.  At the time, I did not realize how much worse trying to escape made FEELING alone.  ‘Escaping’ is not the answer.  Sitting with your fears and learning to understanding what is behind them is the answer.  Just remember not to “dwell”.  That is when you become addicted.

There is a huge difference between FEELING and BEING.  This is true for all of our emotions.  I ‘feel’ depressed—I ‘am’ depressed; I ‘feel’ sad—I ‘am’ sad;  I ‘feel’ alone—I ‘am’ alone.  I could go on, but I think you see where I am headed.  YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS, so please try not to identify them as you.

Life is one big rollercoaster.  It has its ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns.  You can be moving smoothly on one path today, and tomorrow be on a path filled with potholes and speed bumps. 

Finding your inner Self, your inner guide, your inner strength is the way to ‘Being’ in this world.  It can be a painful journey, but in the end you will overcome ‘feeling’ and learn to ‘Be’.  Your feelings will no longer define who you are and how you live.  They will no longer control you.  You will be set free from your past. 

You will return to your ‘Self’.  When you live in, through and with your ‘Self’, you will never be alone.

This has been my experience.  I hope it will be yours.

Peace.

Nico



Choose Your Own Path: DO NOT LET THE ABUSERS WIN

FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST

Victor Frankl

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

I realize many of you may not even want to read the last sentence, much less give it serious thought.  I have been there too; in that place of darkness where you feel that you have no control over anything; that there is no choice; that your life is out of control and it is 'running' you, not the other way around; that the pain and anguish of the past will never set you free...will never let you 'BE'.  It haunts your every waking thought.  While I have times of clarity, I still sink into this mode of thinking.

But, we do have a choice.  We cannot let abuse/abusers win.  We cannot give them our power.  We cannot sacrifice for them anymore.  Take back the control they stole from you. Take back your innocence.  Take back your soul.   Fight for your freedom from the past.  Be not afraid to go forward; fear can be crippling.  Choose to become the person you were meant to be.  It might be painful and hard work to learn who this 'person' is...but I am here to remind you, IT IS WORTH EVERY MINUTE!

Peace,

Nico



Mirror, Mirror by Esther Poyer #Trust30 (Post 40)

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

(Author: Esther Poyer)

Lies can be beautiful, but only when you live behind the mask.  Lies are only beautiful to the false self.  To live and believe your lies is to deny your Self.  By denying your Self, you reject the world and all its opportunities for connection, for peace, for Life.   You reject yourself.   It is my beliefs by doing this you become hardened.  Your life is lived in fear, anger, and disconnection to the Creator, to the Self.  You become empty--VOID.

I know this…I really KNOW this because I lived like this for years.  I lived behind the appearance that everything was wonderful.  Everything bad was good.   I was BAD.  This is what being abused as a child can do to you.  The only good I was taught as a child came from my years in Catholic school.  Even those lessons were tainted with humiliation and self-degradation.  I do not blame the nuns.  It was ‘the way’ of life during my childhood years.  I learned to more fully understand when I read the book by Alice Miller, “For Your Own Good”.  One must be courageous to come out of a life of ‘lies’.  “If we are courageous enough to face the truth, the world will change, for the power of that “poisonous pedagogy’ which has dominated us for so long has been dependent upon our fear, our confusion and our childish credulity; once it is exposed to the light of truth, it will inevitably disappear.” (Alice Miller, November 1982)

 

What I see in the mirror today is not necessarily what I will see in the mirror tomorrow.   This is my hope.  I want to be a new and better creation each and every day. 

Today, I see bloodshot eyes staring back at me in questioning.  Why she asks?  When she asks?  I can tell she is getting older, thinking she is running out of time, wasting every precious moment in her hesitation; lost in the transition of her onward journey.  There is a desperation hidden behind her smile.  As I look deeper into her eyes, her old companion fear is still lurking within.  She wonders if she will ever truly be able to live life unafraid.  She longs for her daughter to return the love she wants to so freely give.  She hungers for forgiveness from whatever ‘sins’ she may have committed.  In that final minute, that one last gaze, she asks to be set free.

10 Year Text by Tia Singh #Trust30 (Day 30)

STOP CHILD ABUSE!

AND

COEXIST.

Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine your future self, i.e., you 10 years from now. If he/she were to send you a tweet or text message, 1) what would it say and 2) how would that transform your life or change something you’re doing, thinking, believing or saying today?

TODAY, I FEEL THE NEED TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, JOYFUL AND ENTHUSIASTIC!

Ten years from now, I would receive a link to this video telling me to

GET UP AND DANCE!

LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH THE ENTHUSIASM OF A CHILD!

AND DO NOT FORGET--

HELP STOP CHILD ABUSE!

How would it transform my life?

I WOULD NO LONGER HAVE TO LIVE BEHIND THE MASK!

I WOULD BE FREE!

MY PASSION COULD LIVE!

SENDING LOVE AND THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT HAS HELPED ME TO GROW!

THE #Trust30 challenge has changed my life more than anyone can knowl

PEACE!

NICO

Personal Recipe by Harley Schreiber #Trust30 (Day 27)

I do not wish to expiate, but to live. My life is for itself and not for a spectacle. I much prefer that it should be of a lower strain, so it be genuine and equal, than that it should be glittering and unsteady. I wish it to be sound and sweet, and not to need diet and bleeding. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 Think about the type of person you’d NEVER want to be 5 years from now. Write out your own personal recipe to prevent this from happening and commit to following it. “Thought is the seed of action.”

To be Me and not to be me, that is the answer.  

Tomorrow, much less in five years, I do not want to be the same ‘me’; I do not want to have lived in the stagnant waters of non-growth.   Each day life presents us with so many possibilities.  I just need to learn to take my blinders off, recognize what is being offered, and run my race as if it were the last.  However, I will race true to form, following my core beliefs.  By doing this I will not cause  major ripples in the waters of life, where we all reside.

I want to feel Alive, Aware and Awake; the “AAA”, no not the wrecker/travel service.  If, and when I ‘break down’, I do not want to be towed to a repair shop.  I need to be able to look inside, run my own diagnostics, find the problem, and repair what has been broken.  If I need help, I will ask.  I am not that close-minded to think that others cannot help.  But, first I will turn to Me.

I do not want to be given a pre-determined route to my destination.  Yes, I need a map.  But, PLEASE spare me the highlighted route!  I will create my own.  If I am travelling on the main highway and decide to exit onto the scenic route, or even the uncharted, unmapped route—of what concern is it to anyone else.  If I get lost, once again I will first turn to Me.  My GPS signal will always be on, just in case I need to be found in an emergency.  I am getting older and health can give us surprises.

For the most part, I am a loner.  I would like for this to change.   I have no need to bask in the glory of others.  Glory is an unstable, ‘glittery’ pedestal on which to perch.  It is fleeting.   I do not need to see my reflection in the eyes of others.  I want to develop friendships that are mutual, having similar visions, travelling on similar paths.  I believe we all need connections. 

Hopefully, if I can fashion my life from this ‘Me’, there will be no need to purge regrets; there will be no hunger from ‘dieting’ in life.  The me will no longer need to bleed, because she will be transformed into Me.

This is my ‘thought’ and my ‘seed of action’.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrWX5Bs0cSA&feature=fvst

Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons

"Plant your hope with good seeds.  Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds.

Rain down, rain down on Me."

P.S.  "Ohio Impromptu" is a very good read!!

PEACE!

Enthusiasm by Mars Dorian #Trust30 (Day 22)

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” is a great line from Emerson. If there’s no enthusiasm in what you do, it won’t be remarkable and certainly won’t connect with people on an emotional basis. But, if you put that magic energy into all of your work, you can create something that touches people on a deeper level. How can you bring MORE enthusiasm into your work? What do you have to think or believe about your work to be totally excited about it? Answer it now.

Enthusiasm is one thing that has been lacking in my body, mind and soul for as many years as I have existed.  For me, this prompt was painful to read.  It was like a slap in the face.  Can it be as simple as lack of enthusiasm that has kept my life less than mediocre, unremarkable, with very few emotional connections? 

I am trying to remember if there was a time when I felt enthusiastic about anything.  The first thing that comes to mind is giving childbirth.  I was scared out of my mind, but enthusiastic.  I totally immersed myself in the role of mother—but then ten years later it all exploded into oblivion.  Enthusiasm was zapped out of my life because my past reared its ugly head.  Now twenty-two years later, here I am, NOWHERE!  NOBODY!  EMPTY! My cell phone banner is titled ‘EMPTY NOBODY’.  (Okay, self, save your negativity for group and your teacher. No one wants to hear your depressing, un-enthusiastic take on life and the world.  This prompt is about enthusiasm…can you please try to focus!)

Note: I have been writing this for about twenty minutes now. I have a feeling no one is going to want to read this one because it is sinking into the quicksand faster than in an instant. So, do I even want to post this?

This brings us to today and the #Trust30 Challenge.  When I first read about this writing challenge, I was afraid.  Coming from my well-learned negative side were all the fear, doubts, and self-deprecating thoughts.  Then, suddenly I had signed up for it.  Obviously, I did it ‘unconsciously’ because I truly do not recall making the decision to do this, or the process of signing up.

 

ENTER ENTHUSIASM!  Enter exhilaration!   My mind is becoming ‘addicted’ to this journey and to the other people involved with this challenge.  I use the term addicted because it is the only word that can describe the ‘high’ that being a part of this has given me.  Every morning I look forward to the new prompt.  I cannot wait to read the wisdom from other members.  I have found new, inspiring and energetic acquaintances (who also have been through rough times and have days when they feel low).  I have been able to open up and write about some of my past history, in all of its ugliness.  I have been able to accept the insight from others and to acknowledge that I too have insight on some things in this world. 

It frightens me to think of this ending.  It is {Day 22}.  Where did the time go?  How will I be able to recreate the enthusiasm of the last 21 days when all of this is over?  (Does this not indicate that I need to ‘get a life’?)  I have no answers at this moment.  The only think I can do is to sit with my fear and learn the lessons it is trying to teach me--growing pains, my dear Nico.  Growing pains.

Invent the Future by Cindy Gallop #Trust30 (day 17)

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

My favorite quote of all time is Alan Kay: ‘In order to predict the future, you have to invent it.’ I am all about inventing the future. Decide what you want the future to be and make it happen. Because you can. Write about your future now.

My Response:

I had a gleam of light which flashed across my mind and I have not dismissed it:  “Why, oh why do we have to decide what we want the future to be, write about it and make it happen?”  What if we are not ready to think about the future?  What if we have only recently arrived in the present?  Should we not sit here, in the present, and just ‘be’ for a while?

Clearly, there is some resistance on my part about this topic.  My future seems so uncertain it is frightening, if not impossible to glean anything from those thoughts.  I feel as if I am in transition--emerging from the past into the present.  The present is so new and exhilarating.  Yet, this prompt wants to move me into the future.  BAH HUMBUG!

So, okay…I give in!!!  I will try to think about what I want for the future.

……MANY HOURS LATER…..

First and foremost, I want my future filled with happiness and contentment; not ALL the time, because life will always bring us trials to keep us on our toes, but for the most part.  I want to be able to help other abuse survivors find these very emotions.  My dream would be to have a large piece of property, somewhere in the mountains and build a safe COMMUNITY, for survivors.  There are so many of us who are lost, with no idea how to pick up our lives and move on; with no skills to reenter the work force; with fear controlling each day.  I envision building duplexes, small but comfortable.  Or maybe it should be more like a retirement community.  I DO NOT KNOW!!  Much help would be needed with planning and executing such a dream. 

But, I have a dream. It may seem to be a basic and a not very descriptive post, but I am not there yet.  SO DO NOT PUSH IT!  J  For me, just to have a dream is the most important thing.  FINALLY, I have a dream!   

“To dream perchance to live.”  (Davidicus Wong:  A Hundred Days to Happiness)