The Journey to Silent Listening, “Divine Gloom”, 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 10)

In a sense, I have been away.  But, I have been working on my Creativity Challenge.  I try to create every day. 

Sometimes, my creativity is focused inward.  It is sitting in the silence and listening for its wisdom and healing.   It cannot be expressed in words until I have done the work that needs to be done.  My most recent journey inward has been very painful, yet very healing.  When I realized the process I had been through and the outcome, I was in awe of how the Self and its connection to God, my Creator, my Higher Power, my Source can be unconsciously within us.  There it is—dormant, waiting for us to reach out, waiting for us to feel the healing power within our grasp. 

For me healing is a daily process.  Parts of my soul, my essence were stolen during my childhood.   This left me permeable.  The things that filled these holes were negative.  All the wounds in my soul left me feeling less than human.  I felt cursed and evil. 

But, I AM NOT.  This is what the abuse did to me.  ABUSE MURDERS THE SOUL.  They, the abusers, determined my life for me.  They put me on the path that continued the destruction of my soul. 

Once I finally realized that I no longer had to follow the life they chose for me, that I could choose the life I wanted to live, I began to heal.  This is a realization that all people need to experience, not just survivors of abuse or trauma.  I believe that every person  has wounded souls.  This is part of life.  It is the nature of our existence.

I had to search for myself.  I had to find the parts that were stripped from me, the parts that dissociated and kept me alive through some very unbearable, unspeakable pain.  I have to reclaim my soul that was shattered.  I have to reclaim my mind.  I have to remove the negative.  No one can do this for me.  Yes, I need help and support.  But the work has to come from within me.  I have to go into many dark places to find what needs to be found.  I will be totally honest with you, it is a painful journey.  I have no choice in this.  If I want to become whole and healed, this is what I feel I need to do.  It may not be the same for everyone.  We all heal differently. 

I am no longer afraid of the pain.  I will not avoid it.  It will no longer conquer my soul. 

Invictus

By:  William Ernest Henley

“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

During my participation of the #Trust30 Ralph Waldo Emerson Challenge, my friend Michi Lantz (you can find her here: http://barefootonsacredground.wordpress.com/ ) suggested I listen to this poem on You Tube.  I had heard of it but never really ‘heard’ it…if you understand what I mean.  You can listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/user/Interrutpion?feature=mhum#p/c/9F1F9610BB3263AD/0/Nv2Thlik6ck

This realization that I can heal myself is very powerful.  The healing process is very painful, yet cleansing.  It is a lifelong journey, because we never know when pain will enter our lives, we just know it is inevitable.  Left unprocessed and unhealed, pain and the loss of soul it creates, wreak havoc in our lives.

My wish is for all of humanity to be healed.   If we each work on healing ourselves and helping each other on our journey, it can happen.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Peace.

Nico

Oleg Korolev Peresvet, Oslyabya, Divine Gloom

ON BEING ALONE

Photo Copyright:  Oleg Korolev, "Prodigal Son"

"When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death -- ourselves."~~Eda LeShan

Until recently, being alone was very difficult.  I hated it.  I did not know what to do with ‘being alone’.  For a long time, I would desperately try to escape the FEELING.

I am sure many of you know how to escape…eating, drinking, television, music, reading fiction, drugs…the ways are almost endless. Did it help?  To be brutally honest, NO IT DID NOT HELP.  In fact, it made it worse.  At the time, I did not realize how much worse trying to escape made FEELING alone.  ‘Escaping’ is not the answer.  Sitting with your fears and learning to understanding what is behind them is the answer.  Just remember not to “dwell”.  That is when you become addicted.

There is a huge difference between FEELING and BEING.  This is true for all of our emotions.  I ‘feel’ depressed—I ‘am’ depressed; I ‘feel’ sad—I ‘am’ sad;  I ‘feel’ alone—I ‘am’ alone.  I could go on, but I think you see where I am headed.  YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS, so please try not to identify them as you.

Life is one big rollercoaster.  It has its ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns.  You can be moving smoothly on one path today, and tomorrow be on a path filled with potholes and speed bumps. 

Finding your inner Self, your inner guide, your inner strength is the way to ‘Being’ in this world.  It can be a painful journey, but in the end you will overcome ‘feeling’ and learn to ‘Be’.  Your feelings will no longer define who you are and how you live.  They will no longer control you.  You will be set free from your past. 

You will return to your ‘Self’.  When you live in, through and with your ‘Self’, you will never be alone.

This has been my experience.  I hope it will be yours.

Peace.

Nico



Let YOUR Truth Set You Free...

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Maya Angelou



To heal, to set yourself free, you must speak your truth. Do not hide your story. Do not let shame keep you a prisoner. Never fear the truth no matter how sad or painful it may be...it is the truth that will set you free. It is bringing the truth into the light, out of the darkness, that will help you heal. This has been my experience. I hope it will help others.


Peace,
Nico

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

LET THE TREE OF LIFE GROW

William James:

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

For so many years, life has been a very scary thing for me.  My motto used to be “Life is worth LEAVING”.  It has only been recently that I have felt life is worth LIVING.  I could not find anything to fill the emptiness, the void I felt inside.  I kept searching for others, for things, to stop the pain for me.  It does not work. 

 

The only thing that has helped me has been to look deep inside; to face the pain, fear, and abandonment I have felt since as far back as I can remember; to bring all of my emotions into conscious awareness.    I HAD TO FEEL IN THE PRESENT. 

 

Since I was never allowed to do this freely as a child, I had to learn to do it as an adult.  I had to learn to try to stay present in the pain and not dissociate.  To do this I had to learn to feel the emotions and not just the physical pain.  My abuse left me numb.  When I first started therapy, I could not name the emotions I felt.  Other parts of me carried the anger, the pain, the fear and all my emotions.  Everything was compartmentalized into “neat” little parts…I use the term ‘neat’ loosely, as there was nothing neat about any of it.

This is not an easy process.  I think unless you have been abused in some way or have experienced some sort of trauma, you cannot understand just how hard and painful this lesson is to learn.  You just want someone to help you, to stop the pain; to stop the longing for a loving mother.  I used to beg my therapist to “Please MAKE IT STOP”.  But, all he could do was sit with me through the pain, help me to breathe; help me to come back to the present. 

 

He could not take it away; cutting could not take it away; alcohol could not take it away; drugs could not take it away.   I thought for years I could not live through any more pain.  When in reality, all this pain has made me stronger.  It has made me a more understanding, empathic person.  I would not change it now, even if it were possible.

What I would like you to take from this is that it is never too late to heal.  Please do not give up.  Just, when you think the darkness is going to consume you, a ray of light will show up.  Even if in the beginning it is dim, know that it grows brighter every day you keep surviving. 

Believe in yourself.  Never give up.  Survivors are strong people.  Soon you will THRIVE.

Peace,

Nico





Choose Your Own Path: DO NOT LET THE ABUSERS WIN

FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST

Victor Frankl

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

I realize many of you may not even want to read the last sentence, much less give it serious thought.  I have been there too; in that place of darkness where you feel that you have no control over anything; that there is no choice; that your life is out of control and it is 'running' you, not the other way around; that the pain and anguish of the past will never set you free...will never let you 'BE'.  It haunts your every waking thought.  While I have times of clarity, I still sink into this mode of thinking.

But, we do have a choice.  We cannot let abuse/abusers win.  We cannot give them our power.  We cannot sacrifice for them anymore.  Take back the control they stole from you. Take back your innocence.  Take back your soul.   Fight for your freedom from the past.  Be not afraid to go forward; fear can be crippling.  Choose to become the person you were meant to be.  It might be painful and hard work to learn who this 'person' is...but I am here to remind you, IT IS WORTH EVERY MINUTE!

Peace,

Nico



Legacy by Tim Belber #Trust30 (Post 41) STOP CHILD ABUSE

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

One definition of legacy is what someone feels, thinks and says when they hear your name. What are you doing today to build the legacy you want?

(Author: Tim Belber)

While it may be the ‘greatest accomplishment’ to be myself ‘in a world that is constantly trying to make’ me something else…it does not always feel so great!!  Also, by all means, I am not saying that I am always being ‘myself’.  There are many times when I still live behind my mask.  Sadly, until recently, I never could discern the difference between the two.  I was not in touch, nor aware of the difference between the many masks I wear and the ‘real’ me.  I still have amnesia when some of my 'masks' are living this life.  Now that dear readers is living in a dissociated state.  I have many ‘states’ (not united!) that deal with day to day living.  For me to give my parts the name ‘masks’ seems a little harsh.  They have their own names.  But if I am honest, they are masks, albeit, protective masks.

 It has been my experience that many people do not understand or believe in the diagnosis Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Honestly, what you believe is irrelevant to me.  I am not here to debate the topic.  But, I am here to tell you it is alive and well, right here in “River City” (from the movie The Music Man).  It is a survival technique.  As I MIGHT have mentioned before—surviving is not thriving.  While D.I.D. kept me ‘sane’ throughout my childhood, the chaos and suffering it caused as an adult seemed like INSANITY.  However, several doctors have reassured me, much to my dismay that I am NOT insane.  There have been many times when I felt it would be preferable to be psychotic and crazy.  Crazy would be easier to accept and understand.  I am not one to write down and share publicly the gory details of my abuse.  I do not like the sensationalism of abuse.  In my opinion, it is distasteful and tarnishes the sacredness of the subject.  I find it very ironical that something so pernicious, caused by pure EVIL can be held sacred.  But the topic of child abuse is and should be held in sacrosanctity.

Today, this is what I am doing for my legacy.  I am shouting to anyone that will listen to my screams to STOP CHILD ABUSE.  I am trying to bring awareness to the subject.  People, please listen to me.  It really occurs to more children than which you are aware.  It is not some imaginary occurrence.  It does not just happen every once in a while.  If you suspect abuse you need to observe and determine if you need to report it.  Children are precious.  They are our future.  We need to protect them and teach them self-respect, values, kindness, and caring.  WE NEED TO LOVE THEM WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS. 

My legacy : 

CHILDREN ARE THE MIRACLES OF LIFE AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. 

I WILL REPEAT THIS MESSAGE UNTIL THE DAY I TAKE MY LAST BREATH:

STOP CHILD ABUSE.

CHILD ABUSE MURDERS THE SOUL.

Where to go from here…

After Friday’s post, I suppose I just needed a break from writing, thinking, soul-searching, etc.  It was a very painful post and I was not certain I should press that infamous ‘Publish’ button.  I did a lot of dwelling before I posted it!  Finally, I decided I had ‘nothing to lose’ by posting it.  My husband does not know about this blog, so chances of him reading it are two:  Slim to none, and Slim just took a hike!!

I have to admit, it was liberating to write what I have wanted to say for so many years.  Even if I never take it any farther than this blog, I feel more empowered by the words I finally let out of my soul. 

I write to get clarity; to release whatever emotion that feels bottled up inside and suffocating my soul.  Today that emotion is darkness, even when I look out the window and see the sun shining and the leaves dancing in the wind.  What draws my attention more are the shadows.  The shadows cast by the leaves and the trees.  I see the brightness all around them, but I am mesmerized by the dark, still shadows.

As I sit here, I think about the last month or so focusing on the #Trust30 Challenge.  It was nothing like I have ever experienced before, and I think that might be some of why I feel so blue. I did not think that Friday’s post would be the last post and I would have MUCH rather ended on a more positive note!   But, it is okay to feel sad.  One of the many lessons I have learned over the years is, that for me, it is better to let my emotions out rather than try to repress them or deny them.  They are part of who I am as a whole.  To deny any of them is to deny a part of myself.  I refuse to deny myself any longer—even the ‘shadow’ parts.  ‘I’ was denied over and over as a child; then the denial continued into my early thirty’s.  If I am to be totally honest, the denial continued until recently.  It was not as severe, but it was still there.  All it did was keep my true self buried.  Not a very productive way to live one’s life…I do not recommend it.

Another reason is my teacher is leaving for over two weeks.  This always seems to cause some fear, if not in me, then is some of the other parts of myself.

So anyway, I know this will pass.  I have a lot of positive things going on in my life.  My most recent blessing has been the new, wise, friends I have made during this challenge; I still have my previous friends whom I love dearly; I have my fairly new teacher, whose knowledge has become an indispensable part of my recovery; and I also have the weekly group I attend.

Also, I am creating.  I am transforming one of the rooms in our house into ‘my’ room.  A place where I can just be whomever I need to be and do whatever I need to do for my continued growth. This was a suggestion from my teacher.  It is exciting for me.  I will have a place to draw again!  Not that I am a great artist, but it is another release.  So, once it is completed, maybe I will take some pictures for all of you!

I am still travelling Ever On!

Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford and Sons

PEACE!

Energy by Julia E #Trust 30 (Day 35)

“The world belongs to the energetic.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s easy to blame our failure to meet our goals or to live our dream lives on a lack of energy, and we don’t always stop to think about the quality of energy in our lives. Yet we can choose to create and manage our own energy flow.

Think of an instance when you’ve been so involved in an activity that you’ve lost track of time, and then identity the passions and energies you were feeding. Who was there with you? What were you doing? What will you do to make time for moments like that one more often?

Dear Blog followers:  I lose track of time every day!!!    It is called D.I.D.  Now to get serious about this post!

Energy can be a fleeting desire.  But, I have found when a passion becomes activated within, the energy flows freely.  To create and manage our own energy flow then we must learn to live in our passions; we must learn to have a passion for life in its entirety.

There are several instances when I become totally absorbed in something and do not realize the time is passing.  They all relate to my passions.  The first one is writing--whether it is writing poetry, venting in my journal, or writing for the #Trust30.  I also lose track of time when I am camping in the mountains and sitting in front of a campfire. Then of course, there is always music. 

As far as the energy I am feeding, they are similar for all three activities.  It is my journey inward, towards growth; a time of reflection; a time to just be me; a time to be one with nature and connect to the Creator.  When I am in this state, usually I do not even notice who is with me.  It is hypnotic.  The energy passion emits flows into me and I flow into something else larger than me.

In my opinion, anytime we can reach this level, we are creating the ‘breath of life’.  For me this means we are uniting the mind, the body and the spirit to flow as one.  Our life is breathing.  We are in the ‘Self’.  "Energy is eternal delight." - William Blake

Allow all the creative experiences and choices of life to open your heart and move you towards your joy and truth.

Most Ordinary by Susan Piver #Trust30 (Day 25)

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are our most potent at our most ordinary. And yet most of us discount our “ordinary” because it is, well, ordinary. Or so we believe. But my ordinary is not yours. Three things block us from putting down our clever and picking up our ordinary: false comparisons with others (I’m not as good a writer as _____), false expectations of ourselves (I should be on the NYTimes best seller list or not write at all), and false investments in a story (it’s all been written before, I shouldn’t bother). What are your false comparisons? What are your false expectations? What are your false investments in a story? List them. Each keep you from that internal knowing about which Emerson writes. Each keeps you from making your strong offer to the world. Put down your clever, and pick up your ordinary.

MY RESPONSE

False comparisons with others:

While I love to write, I have never considered myself a serious writer, i.e. an author of a memoir, book of poetry, children’s book, or any other type of published writing.  I find my words lack depth and meaning.  They are not descriptive enough.  I lack coherence.  I have thought about wanting to tell the story of my life in a book, but I always considered having someone else write it for me!

So, to answer the first question, “I’m not as good a writer as anyone”. 

False expectations of ourselves:

This is easy—I have none!  Since, I do not take my writing seriously, being on any list never crosses my mind!  More importantly, I write for myself.  I write because it is healing.  I will quote my profile on my Facebook page:  ‘It is wear I pour my pain into words.’

False investments in a story:

Now here is a topic to which I can laboriously indulge!  So many books have been written about survivors of child abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and the many other aftereffects of abuse.  During the ninety’s there was a lot of controversy and negativity associated with D.I.D. (formerly MPD), sexual child abuse, and false memories.  All of these things deeply disturbed me and many other survivors.  It felt as if people were refusing to listen to our stories, the pain we were continually struggling to overcome, and accusing us of confabulation.  Worse than this, it felt like they were denying our very existence.  So what this did to me was add more pain to my existence and HEAPS of SHAME to an already shattered soul.  The thought of people dismissing my story, ridiculing me for writing yet another memoir of abuse, or accusing me of making it up would have destroyed me.  Until recently, I have been very low on the ‘ladder of selves’. (Idea taken from the book “Reinventing Yourself” by Steve Chandler)  Slowly, I am climbing higher.  Actually it seems rather rapid to me!  So, with this progress and the realization that most of “the people” believe this type of abuse DOES HAPPEN, I do not think my destruction is at play any longer.

Truly, why do I care what others think anyway?   I feel myself growing stronger each day.  I am trying to realize that people’s opinions are just that—they do not define who I am, who I should be, or who I should become. “Excuse me; you think my hair is too long, that I am too old to wear it this long.  Is this really your business?  What if I told you your hair was too short?  That it makes you look too masculine…”  I have NEVER uttered the previous sentence aloud.  But I have thought it.  My beliefs and my boundaries prevent me from going down that road.  Yes, the things people say still hurt and cause pain, but I am beginning to understand that they are speaking from their own insecurities.  They are speaking from the “lower levels of their ladder of selves”.

Is it me or did I just totally go off subject? J J

Peace.

Speak Less by Laura Kimball #Trust30 (Day 20)

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?

My Response:

I am going to focus on the first sentence of the quote, for this is what is speaking to me today.

“What I must do is all that concerns me, NOT WHAT THE PEOPLE THINK.”

Since as far back as I can remember, especially in my childhood, ‘the people’ ruled my life.  They were the puppeteers and I was the puppet.  I was never given the opportunity to go through the stages of growth that should be encouraged by parents for their children.  I was never allowed to individuate or separate.  What I learned was to “See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.”   I am speaking of the evil that was happening to me; the destruction of my soul; the burying of my ‘self’.  I continue to bring up abuse, because every day I see what it has done to me and to others.  I continue to experience its aftereffects.  Also, this was the original purpose of this blog--to help raise awareness and to be an advocate against abuse with my voice.

The statistics are staggering.  Check them out for yourselves:  http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6035035/k.8258/Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm

http://member.preventchildabuse.org/site/DocServer/sexual_abuse_of_boys.pdf?docID=127 

During my transformation from baby, to toddler, to teen, to adult, I never realized I could follow my own thoughts.    I was obligated to do what ‘the people’ wanted from me.  This theme followed me throughout my life.  I believed I had no control over my life and the course it took.  I either lived like a robot or a subservient.  I was programmed to act certain ways, to do certain things.  People and situations controlled my ‘on/off’ switch.  Those of you with D.I.D. (and maybe others also) will understand the term ‘switch’.  I became the many masks that I created.

I am not even certain I knew I had my own thoughts until I was thirty three years old.   I was cowering in a corner with a gun in my hands, with my daughter upstairs asleep.  She had just turned ten years old.  This was one of the several suicidal moments I have survived; what lay ahead of me was a fork in the road.  The next day I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital and life as I knew it ceased to exist. 

This past December, another fork in the road presented itself.  Out of pain and anger, I left the ‘teacher’ I had been with for many years.  It was not an impulsive act, for I had been contemplating this act for at least a year, possibly more.  But, my ‘friend’ FEAR, kept me frozen solid.  I had already begun seeing my new 'teacher' for family counseling.  She told me that I would know when the time was right.  When I left, I did not look back.  I realized that what I had been doing for all these years, was not working any longer.  Much to my chagrin, once again, I was covered with the slimy, green algae of stagnation.  It was time to add ‘shock’ to the water, perform a ‘backwash’, and add some chlorine.  Enter a new teacher and not for family counseling!

Now, I am still trying to discover who I am in this world.  I feel more aware.  I see more options.  As I have said before, the growth I have experienced with her in such a short time is stupendous. 

Since Junior High, ‘Desiderata’ has been one of my favorite poems.  I have always felt drawn to it.  I could never understand why it always touched me so deeply.  Suddenly, it has all become clear.  Suddenly, I see this is ‘what I must do’.

Desiderata

 Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I have finally come to the end of this spiel!!  “A brocheh” for the reader!

Shalom 

My Personal Message (Day 10) #trust30

Prompt by Eric Handler

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?

What is true for me in my private heart is true for all men…

In my humble opinion, this is a statement upon which more people need to ponder.  If you knew me, you would know I love quotes.  Here is a quote by Herman Melville that I think will connect the meaning of Mr. Emerson’s thought to our everyday life:  “We cannot only live for ourselves.  A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes and they come back to us as effects.”  I believe all of us are connected in some way.  I believe our actions go out into the universe.  To me, a good metaphor would be like throwing a rock into a body of water.  It causes ripples.  These ripples continue on and pass through anything present in that body of water.  Imagine all of us living in the same body of water.  Do you feel and see the ripple?  We are all so similar; we are all so human.  The way which we treat ourselves, others, and dear ‘Mother Earth’ causes good or evil.  It incites love or hatred.  Our commonalities are birth, life, and death. This is universal.  It does not matter where we live; race, creed or nationality makes no difference in the least. Our truth is that everything we do in this life has causes and effects. Joy, sadness, pain, love and all our emotions are similar.  While we do not have the exact same experiences, the basic feelings and reaction to our life are the same. We all experience ‘highs’; we all sink into darkness because of loss and pain.  Need I say more about our connection?    Your quote Mr. Emerson, “that is genius.”

So, let me stop here on the above subject, for this is not even the personal message I would say to a million people.  However, I would somehow have to incorporate it in my shout to the world.

SHOUTING MY MESSAGE:

STOP ABUSE. STOP ALL ABUSE.  STOP SEXUAL ABUSE.  STOP PHYSICAL ABUSE.  STOP EMOTIONAL ABUSE.  STOP GENOCIDE.  STOP PORNOGRAPHY.

 STOP ABUSE.  IT MURDERS THE SOUL.

Afraid to Do by Mary Jaksch (Day 9) #trust30

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

WHAT TOPIC CREATES FEAR OF WRITING?

I have been sitting here thinking of something too scary to write.  My mind is blank.  As far as writing goes I seem to be fairly fearless. 

Over the years, I have written thousands of pages filled with pain, abuse, rejection, abandonment, self-injury, love, hate, and almost any other subject of which I can think.  I learned in twenty two years of psychotherapy to just let the words flow; to let whatever surfaces from my mind, my soul, or my heart fill the page.  My blog and my journal is where I pour my pain into words.

But, I do have two other fears I have not overcome.  The first one is being free to utter the words I journal, aloud.  There is no language to accurately describe the effects of long-term abuse on an innocent child.  The words seem empty, vague, and inaccurate.  To me, they seem more powerful on the written page.  To speak aloud would mean they would get lost in the void between me and you.  They would float away, never to be heard again. 

The second fear is that to verbalize my memories would mean I would hear them.  They would become my reality.  For some reason, as long as I write them, they remain distant.  They are not me.  They are not my life.  They remain detached.

Many of you may not understand what I am trying to convey.  Sometimes, I do not even understand. But this is what I think.  This is why I write.  I am grateful that I have some ability to write.  It does not matter if other people like it, or think it is good or bad.  It does not matter to me if anyone reads it.  It does not matter to me if people ‘follow’ my blog or ‘like’ my Facebook page.  My main purpose in having these two things is to bring awareness to all people that abuse murders the soul of a child.  It destroys their future.  What is supposed to be a ‘life’ turns out to be quite the opposite.   It is more accurately described as living in death.

PLEASE, IF YOU KNOW OF ANY ABUSE TAKING PLACE, REPORT IT.

Making Sense of Our Lives

What am I doing and where am I going?

The title of this post comes from the book “Mindsight”, written by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.

It is a book on what he calls “mindsight”, as being the power to heal our brain from traumatic memories, irrational fears (although we may not think they are irrational), uncontrolled anger, unwanted behaviors that seem to control our lives, conflicts that permeate our relationships dissociation, and attachment disorders.

I do not know about you, but for me—ALL THE ABOVE. 

A child who has a secure attachment with their caregivers will grow up to have good relationships, will be respected by their peers, and will be better able to regulate their emotions.  They are attune to others, are flexible, have empathy, insight, and moral awareness.

On the other end of the spectrum is the child who has a disorganized and avoidant attachment to their caregivers.  These children are often times restricted emotionally, aloof, controlling, anxious, insecure, unable to relate to others, unable to regulate their emotions, have a tendency toward dissociation, and more likely to develop PTSD after a traumatic event occurs in their life.  Memories, even those we do not remember, leave us susceptible to intrusive thoughts, feelings, perceptions, reactions, and bodily sensations.  When a child is abused and becomes “terrified”, the “child is faced with a paradox.”  One part inside is yelling for her/him to get away from the source of the terror, while the attachment part is crying out “Go toward your attachment figure for safety and soothing!  When the same person is activating the brain’s “go away” and “go toward” messages, this is fear without a solution—an unsolvable situation.”  This is when the child becomes fragmented.  This is one of the most inevitable causes of dissociation.  These behaviors follow us into our adult lives and cripple our ability to function in life.

Dr. Siegel highly recommends writing in a journal to activate the narrator function in our minds. He asserts that simply writing down our account of an experience can help increase our sense of well-being, even if we never show it to anyone.  He talks about ‘making sense’ of how our negative experiences have affected us.  “Making sense is a source of strength and resilience.”  He believes that “making sense is essential to our well-being and happiness.”

While I do agree with ‘making sense’, for me this has been one of the most impossible tasks for my brain.  I cannot make sense of the abuse I endured.  But in this book, he writes that having the courage to approach and not avoid the past traumas will help us become free of its “implicit grip” on our minds.  “It is never too late to heal the mind and to bring to ourselves and to those around us the compassion and kindness that arise from that healing and integration.”

“Early experience is not fate:  If we can make sense of our past—if we integrate our narratives—we can free ourselves from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment…taking responsibility for one’s own mind can lead to liberation of the self, and to the ability to offer nurturance and love to the next generation.”

As I am reading this book, I am learning more and more to understand why I act and feel the way I do.  It is helping me acknowledge that this is not my fault, which in turn, lessens my shame and blame. 

Hopefully, this post will help others also.  We are all in this together.  We are not alone.

NONE OF THIS IS OUR FAULT.

This article is taken from the thoughts and words of the book “Mindsight”, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.   No copyright infringement is intended.