Sometimes, I Just Wonder Why…30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 9)

Why?  Why was I born?  Why was I born into MY particular family?  Why was I neglected?  Why did I almost die at 14 months from malnutrition and neglect?  Why did they hurt me?  Why did I never receive the love I deserved as a child?  Why was I abused?

Why does it still hurt so much?  Why do I wake up some mornings and wonder the reason I am still alive?  Why hasn’t all these years of therapy ‘cured’ me?  Why can’t I get past ‘the past’?  Why hasn’t feeling all the pain, loss, and abandonment I experienced made the past ‘go away’?  Why are so many wounds still festering and bleeding?

So then from ‘why’, I go to ‘HOW’?

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN LIVING SO DEEP INSIDE MY SOUL; THIS ALL-CONSUMING VOID THAT IS ALIVE AND WELL TODAY; THIS DREAD SWIMMING IN MY HEAD?

Then, I look outside my window and see the sky, the trees glistening in the sun, the birds resting on the branches, and the squirrels romping from tree to high wires.  I see my dog sleeping peacefully on her bed. 

I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  ALL I HAVE IS THIS MYSTERIOUS FAITH; THIS INNER SOURCE TELLING ME TO LIVE. 

Do I need the answers to these questions to live my life?  Possibly, that answer is no, because there are no good answers.  I have searched and only found one answer:  humans choose to do good or evil.

ALL THERE IS FOR ME TODAY IS BLIND FAITH--faith in something bigger than all of us; kinder than all of us.   A Creator showing me that life is fragile and filled with humanness.  That all of us are wounded in some way, some fashion, and if we are not feeling it today…then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. 

So I will continue the good fight.  I will choose life.  I will find some way to help serve humanity…a smile given to a stranger, a friendly hello, a call to an old friend.  Today I will believe: “Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.”  Edmund Burke.  

 It is the smallest things in life that can make the biggest difference.

Go out today and live small.  Live your life gently.  Create.

Peace.

Nico

ON BEING ALONE

Photo Copyright:  Oleg Korolev, "Prodigal Son"

"When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death -- ourselves."~~Eda LeShan

Until recently, being alone was very difficult.  I hated it.  I did not know what to do with ‘being alone’.  For a long time, I would desperately try to escape the FEELING.

I am sure many of you know how to escape…eating, drinking, television, music, reading fiction, drugs…the ways are almost endless. Did it help?  To be brutally honest, NO IT DID NOT HELP.  In fact, it made it worse.  At the time, I did not realize how much worse trying to escape made FEELING alone.  ‘Escaping’ is not the answer.  Sitting with your fears and learning to understanding what is behind them is the answer.  Just remember not to “dwell”.  That is when you become addicted.

There is a huge difference between FEELING and BEING.  This is true for all of our emotions.  I ‘feel’ depressed—I ‘am’ depressed; I ‘feel’ sad—I ‘am’ sad;  I ‘feel’ alone—I ‘am’ alone.  I could go on, but I think you see where I am headed.  YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS, so please try not to identify them as you.

Life is one big rollercoaster.  It has its ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns.  You can be moving smoothly on one path today, and tomorrow be on a path filled with potholes and speed bumps. 

Finding your inner Self, your inner guide, your inner strength is the way to ‘Being’ in this world.  It can be a painful journey, but in the end you will overcome ‘feeling’ and learn to ‘Be’.  Your feelings will no longer define who you are and how you live.  They will no longer control you.  You will be set free from your past. 

You will return to your ‘Self’.  When you live in, through and with your ‘Self’, you will never be alone.

This has been my experience.  I hope it will be yours.

Peace.

Nico



Let YOUR Truth Set You Free...

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Maya Angelou



To heal, to set yourself free, you must speak your truth. Do not hide your story. Do not let shame keep you a prisoner. Never fear the truth no matter how sad or painful it may be...it is the truth that will set you free. It is bringing the truth into the light, out of the darkness, that will help you heal. This has been my experience. I hope it will help others.


Peace,
Nico

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

LET THE TREE OF LIFE GROW

William James:

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

For so many years, life has been a very scary thing for me.  My motto used to be “Life is worth LEAVING”.  It has only been recently that I have felt life is worth LIVING.  I could not find anything to fill the emptiness, the void I felt inside.  I kept searching for others, for things, to stop the pain for me.  It does not work. 

 

The only thing that has helped me has been to look deep inside; to face the pain, fear, and abandonment I have felt since as far back as I can remember; to bring all of my emotions into conscious awareness.    I HAD TO FEEL IN THE PRESENT. 

 

Since I was never allowed to do this freely as a child, I had to learn to do it as an adult.  I had to learn to try to stay present in the pain and not dissociate.  To do this I had to learn to feel the emotions and not just the physical pain.  My abuse left me numb.  When I first started therapy, I could not name the emotions I felt.  Other parts of me carried the anger, the pain, the fear and all my emotions.  Everything was compartmentalized into “neat” little parts…I use the term ‘neat’ loosely, as there was nothing neat about any of it.

This is not an easy process.  I think unless you have been abused in some way or have experienced some sort of trauma, you cannot understand just how hard and painful this lesson is to learn.  You just want someone to help you, to stop the pain; to stop the longing for a loving mother.  I used to beg my therapist to “Please MAKE IT STOP”.  But, all he could do was sit with me through the pain, help me to breathe; help me to come back to the present. 

 

He could not take it away; cutting could not take it away; alcohol could not take it away; drugs could not take it away.   I thought for years I could not live through any more pain.  When in reality, all this pain has made me stronger.  It has made me a more understanding, empathic person.  I would not change it now, even if it were possible.

What I would like you to take from this is that it is never too late to heal.  Please do not give up.  Just, when you think the darkness is going to consume you, a ray of light will show up.  Even if in the beginning it is dim, know that it grows brighter every day you keep surviving. 

Believe in yourself.  Never give up.  Survivors are strong people.  Soon you will THRIVE.

Peace,

Nico





Wholly Strange and New (Day 16) #Trust30 by Bridget Pilloud

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

 

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

  

MY RESPONSE:

This is the moment that has become ‘wholly strange and new’, that I have ‘life in’ myself.  These last few weeks and months, I have begun to remove ‘the mask’ which has hidden my true Self from me and the rest of the world for all my life.  I am afraid of this moment.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming.  There are times when I wonder if I have the inner strength to create my own journey.

I am allowing all of my ‘parts’ to have a voice.  I am releasing them from captivity; from the prison of their childhood.  They, we have been prisoners of pain and abuse.  We have been chained to an ugly past, but it is time to break free.   All of these years I have been walking behind my shadow.  This path was created by those people in my life that inflicted their ugliness and brutality upon my spirit.  It stunted my growth.  I let it.  But, while I take responsibility for allowing it to control my life for so many years, I WILL NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME; IT IS NOT MY SHAME.  My innocence was stolen at a very early age. As a child, I was not allowed to create myself in ways that emanated from my soul.  I was made to be subservient.  It was better to ‘be seen and not heard’, so my voice was quieted.  I lived in silence.

But, this is not my truth any longer.  I have opened my eyes to the deceit I have been living.  I have come to the proverbial fork in the road.  I am choosing to take “the road less travelled”.  While I do not have a clear vision of what my path will be, I know some things it WILL NOT BE. 

I will not accept abuse.

I refuse to accept conformity. 

I will not blend with the masses. 

No longer will anyone create my path for me.

If you cannot be tolerant of others, you will not be on this journey with me.

If you live in anger, then you best learn to express it appropriately.

If you refuse to work on creating your path, you will not be with me.

There is no room for disrespect.

I am unsure of what I want from this journey other than peace of mind and growth toward the Source.  By deciding what I do not want and cannot accept, then I feel sure the rest will follow.

Of one thing I am certain, this path will most likely be built one brick at a time.  I am sure there will be days filled with weariness; I will become tired.  On those days I will rest and find things and people that will rejuvenate my soul.  This will give me the strength to forge onward. 

This is my beginning.