TIME TO FIND THE WORDS

Where did the time go?

I did not realize how long it has been since I posted anything.  It has been a rough week.  Group was a disaster.  I had to run out of the room.  Then, my T had to come coax me out of the bathroom, because I had locked myself in there and would not open the door.  I was in pain, mentally and physically.  She calls it a body memory.  I call it body misery. 

I am going through a bout with insomnia, which only makes things harder and more stressful.  I am feeling paranoid and not wanting to leave the house.  Then, I start feeling trapped.  Why do I do this to myself?  Nothing will happen to me if I walk to the mailbox.  Nothing will happen to me if I go sit outside.  But, the heat really makes me feel ill, so that is a deterrent to going outside. 

My body has been in hyper sensitive mode.  For about three days, I felt like there was an electrical current cursing through my veins.  I was fighting off memories.  But, they came anyway.  Still, that fight or flight response takes over and I feel out of control. 

My T offered to see me after group, so I took her up on the offer.  It did help.  So, I saw her three times this past week…once in group, twice in my individual session.  I felt better after I saw her Wednesday.  I am trying hard to trust her.  She has a lot of knowledge about so many things.  I want to learn from her.  I am just so afraid to connect to anyone.  But, I think it is happening in spite of the fear.  Of course, that could change within the hour!!  I need to give it time.  After being with my other T for twenty years, and being hurt the way I was, it will take a while. But, what is time?  Time is all I have left.  This is just another learning lesson for us.  Trust.  Trust.  Trust.       Time.  Time.  Time.         T.  T.  T.          ALL THESE ‘T’ WORDS ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE.  Oh, I forgot, I am already insane.  At least that is how it feels at times. 

Anyway, I have missed by blogger ‘friends’ and I will have to catch up on how everyone is doing.  I hope you are all okay and have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.



Depression...Chisel away no more

Another day another dollar...really who cares?  Not me.  Although I realize we have to have money to stay alive.  But, I do not really care to be alive…to fight the good fight.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  I wake up before sunrise with tears filling my eyes.  What is the problem?  How do you wake up with tears?   Is it those night terrors making me feel like I cannot breathe; I cannot move; I am paralyzed, suffocating, and dying?  I do not know.  I am just finding it very hard to keep myself going…going to where?  NO WHERE.  I am stuck…that is putting it mildly.  I am cemented in this life of confusion.  I have been chiseling away to no avail.  My tears and my pain have been my chisel.  Look at the picture...Tears falling from stone.  That is how I feel; stone cold, yet crying to break  free.  I am tired of trying to break free.  What is the use?  Yeah…I know, for me.  Which me? 

“I grieve, and dare not show my discontent;

  I love, and yet am forced to seem to hate;

  I do not dare to say I never meant,

  I seem stark mute, but inwardly I prate,

  I am, and am not; I freeze and yet am burn’d,

  Since from myself my other self I turned.”

~~Elizabeth I

Insomnia Strikes Again

I cannot sleep.  My mind is racing.  Thoughts that I do not want keep intruding, INTERRUPTING.  Please go away and leave me alone.  Will I ever know peace?  Will I ever know normal, whatever 'normal' is?  There is no one out there to whom I can talk, no one who can understand.  The more I hold things back, the more they permeate my thoughts.  But, I cannot go through the pain again, not right now, not tonight.  I feel I will not return, I will never come back from its darkness.  What will happen to me if I cry?  Where will the tears fall?  They will fall upon deaf ears, just as these words fall upon this empty page.  What happened to "The Voice"?  Where did it go?  It was my fortress; it was my strength.  Now it is just an echo, slipping farther and farther from my grasp.  Is it possible to 'grasp' a voice?  It was not really 'The Voice' that gave me the connection...it was the soul.  It was the essence of human kindness, the unexpected gift of the heart that helped me soar.  And now it is just the echo...it is not really here.  It is slipping away through the mountains and the valleys, until one day it will no longer be heard.