HERE WE GO AGAIN

Monday, March 24, 2014

I had a very rough weekend.  I was supposed to go to psychodrama all weekend but I only made Friday evening.  We were doing an exercise call the social atom.  It is where you draw circles around each other with the inner most circle representing “me”.  Then you put the people in your life in proximity to “me”.  I realized that there are so few people in my life.  Everyone else had so many people surrounding them.  Some close and some outside of their circle.  They were talking about feeling joy and happiness.  If freaked me out.  When it was over, I left and totally disintegrated.  It is the same pattern I go through every time something happens. I go into isolation and do not want to be around people.  So, I did not go to the rest of the workshop.  Now, I regret not going.  This is not a healthy way to respond to life.  One would think that after all the years I spent in therapy and psychodrama I could react in a more controlled way.  That I could learn a different pattern to use.

 

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP…

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE

Thursday, March 6, 2014

 

It has been so long since I have written.  A lot of positive things have happened in my life…more positive than negative, which seems like a miracle to me.

But today and the past week, I have been so depressed.  I feel like I do not have a life.  I do not seem to have a purpose about which I feel passionate.  That statement is not totally true.  I do have someone in my life that I would like to help and I feel passionate about that idea.  This person has a lot going on in their life and could use a loyal, trustworthy friend to give them help.

 

I have been a friend to them for a while now.  In fact a situation arose in my life where I had to live in their outside room for about six months.  Now I am supposed to be moving back to my house. But I am confused about whether I should or not.  I feel so lost and confused.  I have become accustomed to being around someone that treats me with respect; that talks to me as an equal; that enjoys being around me; that appreciates my input.  Now I must return to my previous situation with my husband who treats me just the opposite.  I am truly at a loss.  I have no other place to go right now.  I cannot afford to move out on my own.  Both of them are out of town as I attempt make this transition.  This was my choice because I wanted neither of them to see the pain through which I am going.  I do not want my husband to know the dread I feel nor do I want my friend to see the pain I feel in leaving. 

 

My fear is that once I am gone, their busy life will not allow me to be as helpful as I have been in the past few months…out of sight out of mind.  I will also miss being around them very much.  I ask myself if I have become dependent on them.  I do not think it is a codependent relationship.  We both do things separately from each other and are fine with it this way.  I think my worry is that I will lose purpose again.  I volunteer at one other place which I will continue to do.  But, I feel that the Creator has put me in their life for a reason.  So if this is what I believe then why am I so fearful?  I should trust the universe to help me through this whatever the outcome.  Life is always changing.  It is how we handle the changes that either drag us down or help us move forward.  Even though I know this in my brain, my heart is crying and pleading for this change not to happen. 

Peace,

Nico

 

I chose the above picture because the past few years I have felt like I bloomed from a flower, raised from the dead as a cross between a dragonfly and a butterfly.  The breaker of illusions (dragonfly) and transformation (butterfly).  I look back and see how peaceful I have been with this person in my life.  How much purpose I felt as I helped with daily chores, pet sitting and things they felt were mundane and tedious.  But these things are what lifted me out of my depression and gave me a reason to live. I feel useful, helpful and like I am contributing to someone/something that has a bigger purpose in life than I do.  They have the ability to help a lot of people not only financially but spiritually.  And this they do on a daily basis.  Anything I do to help them achieve this helps me to feel that I am helping also. 

 

 

 

 

Choose Your Own Path: DO NOT LET THE ABUSERS WIN

FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST

Victor Frankl

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

I realize many of you may not even want to read the last sentence, much less give it serious thought.  I have been there too; in that place of darkness where you feel that you have no control over anything; that there is no choice; that your life is out of control and it is 'running' you, not the other way around; that the pain and anguish of the past will never set you free...will never let you 'BE'.  It haunts your every waking thought.  While I have times of clarity, I still sink into this mode of thinking.

But, we do have a choice.  We cannot let abuse/abusers win.  We cannot give them our power.  We cannot sacrifice for them anymore.  Take back the control they stole from you. Take back your innocence.  Take back your soul.   Fight for your freedom from the past.  Be not afraid to go forward; fear can be crippling.  Choose to become the person you were meant to be.  It might be painful and hard work to learn who this 'person' is...but I am here to remind you, IT IS WORTH EVERY MINUTE!

Peace,

Nico



Mirror, Mirror by Esther Poyer #Trust30 (Post 40)

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

(Author: Esther Poyer)

Lies can be beautiful, but only when you live behind the mask.  Lies are only beautiful to the false self.  To live and believe your lies is to deny your Self.  By denying your Self, you reject the world and all its opportunities for connection, for peace, for Life.   You reject yourself.   It is my beliefs by doing this you become hardened.  Your life is lived in fear, anger, and disconnection to the Creator, to the Self.  You become empty--VOID.

I know this…I really KNOW this because I lived like this for years.  I lived behind the appearance that everything was wonderful.  Everything bad was good.   I was BAD.  This is what being abused as a child can do to you.  The only good I was taught as a child came from my years in Catholic school.  Even those lessons were tainted with humiliation and self-degradation.  I do not blame the nuns.  It was ‘the way’ of life during my childhood years.  I learned to more fully understand when I read the book by Alice Miller, “For Your Own Good”.  One must be courageous to come out of a life of ‘lies’.  “If we are courageous enough to face the truth, the world will change, for the power of that “poisonous pedagogy’ which has dominated us for so long has been dependent upon our fear, our confusion and our childish credulity; once it is exposed to the light of truth, it will inevitably disappear.” (Alice Miller, November 1982)

 

What I see in the mirror today is not necessarily what I will see in the mirror tomorrow.   This is my hope.  I want to be a new and better creation each and every day. 

Today, I see bloodshot eyes staring back at me in questioning.  Why she asks?  When she asks?  I can tell she is getting older, thinking she is running out of time, wasting every precious moment in her hesitation; lost in the transition of her onward journey.  There is a desperation hidden behind her smile.  As I look deeper into her eyes, her old companion fear is still lurking within.  She wonders if she will ever truly be able to live life unafraid.  She longs for her daughter to return the love she wants to so freely give.  She hungers for forgiveness from whatever ‘sins’ she may have committed.  In that final minute, that one last gaze, she asks to be set free.

Nothing to Lose by Tanner Christensen #Trust30 (Day 39)

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, our inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

(Author: Tanner Christensen)

Dear Husband:

My heart is heavy.  We have been together for many years, yet I still do not KNOW you.  You hide from me as well as yourself, and because of this I choose to hide from you.  We both live behind our masks.  I hope you will understand that this letter is about ME, not you.  You are a smart, witty person but at the same time you live in anger, shame and fear.  I am not judging you.  I know on some level you realize this.  In all the years we have been together, you were honest with me ONE time about yourself.

Over the years, we have been through many painful times together with our families and our daughter.  We survived my time in the wheel chair and the changes I had to make because of my physical challenges.  We survived the many surgeries you had to endure.  Our marriage survived all the physical contests life gave us.

 

But what we are not surviving, what we are drowning in is the abandonment of each other, our higher Selves, and our marriage; this stagnation is the state in which we live.  We are BOTH living a lie.  We are not thriving emotionally.  We are living in an ego-state which is suffocating any kind of growth toward a higher Self. 

 

I am having a problem with continuing on this path we have both chosen.  My soul is suffocating.  It is longing to be free.  Do you not feel the same?  Can you be courageous enough to be honest in your answer?  I have blamed myself all these years for your unhappiness.  I know it has been difficult to be with me while I have tried to overcome my past and all it entails.  But, I cannot continue to accept responsibility for your pain and misery.  We both have choices.  You chose to not go forward in your growth; you chose not to continue therapy.  By doing this you closed the option for us to get help through marriage counseling.  And here we are today, living in the same lie, the same unhappiness.

 

I am not saying I want to divorce you.  We took vows together for life and I treasure those vows.   I care for you.  But you have to set me free.  You have to let me become the person I am meant to be.  I cannot continue to be your prisoner.  I can already sense your insecurity in my growth.  I just can no longer let you control who I am, who my soul longs to be.   I have been dying inside for too long.  I am starting to feel alive.  Please, I beg of you, come on this journey with me.  We can both feel alive to the world and to each other.  If we do not do this together, then the future between us is slowly dying away and will wither like a flower dying of thirst. 

 

This letter is not meant to cause you any additional pain.  I am writing this to try to save the ‘us’; to save our marriage.  I feel it would be a tragedy to not try one more time.  What do we have to lose? 

 

I will be leaving for a while.  It is my belief that we both need time and space to think about the next part of our journey and whether it will be together or separate.  This does not mean that I do not want contact with you.  I just need for it to be limited.  We need to find ourselves before we can be together again.  I am sorry if this causes you pain.  I feel the pain also.  But, the pain will cause the growth we both need to survive—whatever that might look like in the future. 

 

I love you.

Nico

Fear: by Lachlan Cotter (Day 12) #trust30

“These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members.” -– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:

Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?

Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?

Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?

Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.

The voices I hear in solitude do disappear as I enter the world.  But, it is not society that conspires against me, it is I.  It is my own fear that paralyzes my freedom; my own apprehensive thoughts that will not let me dare to live my dream; my panicked thoughts of being too weak and insecure keeping me from moving out of my cocoon. 

Is it worth it?  How could not being your true self ever be worth it.  There is nothing more to discuss on that topic.

Will it matter?  Of course it matters.  It matters every moment of every day.  It consumes my very being.  It obsesses every thought.  I will never be happy being this person I am today.   I can only hope and pray that one day I will find the strength to be the real me and not live behind the mask I have been wearing for as long as I can remember.  I can only dream that one day I will set myself free.

30 Day Challenge: I cannot commit to anything.

Whatever made me think I could commit to thirty days of writing on different topics?  What made me think I could commit to thirty days of anything?

The next topic was if I had one place to travel in the world where would it be?  I have no desire to travel overseas.  Well, maybe the desire is there, but the money and the physical ability is nowhere to be found.  This topic means nothing to me at this point in time.  I feel lucky if I can make it through the day.  When you live in survival mode, the last thing I think about is a dream to travel overseas.  Maybe it is just me.  As usual, depression and negativity have taken over again in full force. 

I have no “dreams” today.  I just want to survive the day without cowering in the corner or hiding in the closet.  I just want to not have a memory that sends me into another part, which makes the body writhe in pain. 

Well, I guess I tried.

I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN…NO, NO, NO.

THE WALL IS GOING UP.

HERE IT GOES AGAIN.  What is wrong with me?  I am so confused.  Just thinking about my T makes me want to put up the damn wall again.  This whole ‘connetion’ thing scares me until I cannot function.  All I want to do is cry.  Then little ones get scared and get upset and come out and cry and I don’t know how to console them.  I don’t know what to do.  I have absolutely NO mothering skills whatsoever.  I am such a loser.  Who am I that I think I can comment on blogs and give advice when I cannot even help myself?  Why does everything have to be so painful?  Will it ever change?  Will it ever stop?  Okay, this is a defect.  I am defective.  I have been in therapy since 1989.  I have been journaling, writing poems, drawing, talking, and talking and talking, and I am still messed up.  Well, maybe not as bad as when I first started this journey.  But, how long is this going to last?  Will I be like this until I die?  Will I suffer from the aftereffects of my abuse for my entire life? 

I hate them.  I hate myself.  I hate life.  I hate.  I am hate.

‘A  ie’

HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE.

THIS IS JUST ONE HUGE CLUSTER F**K.   IT IS THE BIGGEST MIND F**K OF ALL TIMES.  ABUSE RUINS YOUR WHOLE LIFE.  SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I COULD KILL THEM…BUT NO, ALL I DO IS HURT MYSELF.  YEP, THAT’LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.  CUT.  BLEED.  RELIEF.

DO YOU SEE THE SWITCH?

'R'



I NEVER MEANT TO HURT A FELLOW WARRIOR…

TO THE WARRIOR.

You are a true, strong warrior. 

I was very apprehensive on my way to see you.  It is finally time for me to forgive myself for the transgressions I covertly inflicted on certain others.   Today, you helped me accomplish what I have needed to do for many years.  You have let me free my soul from the burden it has been carrying.  At the time, I never realized that I could be hurting others who are like you…I did not even know you then.   It never even crossed my mind that I was hurting anyone.  But, now I have faced it and I have asked your forgiveness on behalf of those who may have been wounded by my actions.  The reason that I felt the need to do this is because I know about some of the pain you went through because of someone like me.  I believe you understood what I was trying to do.  I needed for the universe to forgive me.  Knowing that I could not go back to that time and ask all those ‘people’ to forgive what I did to them, I knew I could ask you and you would get the deeper meaning of that which I needed to be forgiven.  Talking to you so honestly meant a lot to me.  And the honesty with which you replied helped more that you will ever know.  I would have never been able to do this with our previous T.   

You are right ‘I’ have grown.  But, I never thought that ‘I’ had any wisdom to offer.  Thank you for saying I was wise.  No one has ever told ‘me’ that before and it was a shock.

I do not know why I do not come out more.  I suppose it is because of the ‘role’ I always played.  I suppose, too, that on some level, I fear I will have to play that ‘role’ again.  Even though that is not the case, the fear is still there.  I never want to be that person again.  And then there is the pain of the one I still ‘LOVE’.   It is so confusing.  I cannot make sense out of it.  I have often wondered how and why I could possibly ‘love’ him.  So, when I do see you again, I want to talk more about this.  It is something that I really need. 

So, thank you.  Teach me to be a warrior…please.

From:  ‘A  line’ the ‘ex-‘ ‘ex’ ‘M   ine’

NO MORE PAIN…PLEASE

I feel like I am going to explode into millions of pieces.  My T is out of town on a trip until Sunday and I am feeling scared and alone.  Can it be that I have begun to connect with her without even realizing it?  This is what I cannot stand…to need someone, to depend on someone, to want to see them and talk to them ALL the time…or at least more often than I am able.  It becomes an obsession.  It is all I can think about, my mind will not shut up.  She said I could text her, but I just cannot let myself do it.  I need to respect her personal time.  I don’t want to intrude. 

Why does all this have to hurt so much?  Why do I continually feel tormented by the past?  The last time I saw T, she asked me if she could sit next to me.  I agreed.  It was safe.  I felt safe.  While I was with her, I believed she cared and truly understood the pain and the confusion.  But, it was short lived.  When we are apart, I cannot remember that feeling.  With my previous T, I could remember it.  I felt that he was with me even though we were miles apart.  I could remember his face and the sound of his voice.  That is not happening with my new T.  I cannot picture her face or remember the sound of her voice.  I guess that will take time.  But, what do I do in the mean time?  How do I keep surviving?  I feel the urge to drink, to cut, to take more pills than I should…I NEED TO BE NUMB.  I feel myself drifting away…I am not sure where I am…am I here??  I think the past is intruding once again and everything is getting blurred.



NOTHING...





I KNOW I AM GOING TO GET HURT AGAIN...

It is only a matter of time…

You tell me you know how vulnerable I am and how careful you need to be with my heart.  I want to believe you in the worst way.  I am so tired of trying to survive all of this alone.  I do not know how much longer I can do it.  But, after what happened with the last therapist, how can I let myself feel close to you. 

I feel as if he ripped out my insides and left me lying on the floor to die.  He pretended to try to repair the relationship, but it was nothing more than a sham.  It was to protect him…his wife was so afraid that I might turn him in to the board, that I might cause a problem in his practice, because she said he was crossing boundaries.  Oh, fuck.  What a ludicrous thought.  She is the one that had the problem.  She is the one that was insecure in her marriage.  I was not a real threat to her.  I would have NEVER slept with him.  This is all her fault, but not according to him…we can’t blame her.  It was his choice to change the relationship, to change my therapy, to change the way we interacted.  WHAT A BUNCH OF PSYCHO BABBLE.  I WOULD NEVER do anything to hurt the very person, the ONLY person that had ever reached me, reached my parts.  WELL, we wouldn’t…none of us…absolutely none of us would ever hurt him in any way.   What is so sad is that HE KNOWS THIS TO BE TRUE.  But, he was put in the position, by her, of making a choice that he should have never had to make.  Even now, with all the pain I am in because of his abandonment that is the last thing on my mind.  All I can think about is protecting me.  All I can think about is not getting attached to anyone ever, ever, ever again.  NEVER.  HEAR MY WORDS, NEVER.

But what will happen to us if I do not let her in, if I do not take another chance.  I WILL NOT MAKE IT.  I WILL NOT SURVIVE.  I am not a quitter.  I have been at this for so many years.  I cannot let his flaws, his insecurities, his unwillingness to stand up for what was right and helpful in our therapy destroy everything I have worked so hard for, for so many years.  But, yet I can’t let her in.  This is so wrong.  I should never have been put in this predicament.  But here it is…right here in my face…in my heart. 

She said she understood.  She said she knew that she had to hold my heart in her hand, like a broken bird.  And all I could do was sit there and cry and cry and cry some more.  All I really want right now is my mommy.  That’s it.  THAT IS MY FINAL ANSWER.



I NEED TO BE NUMB...NOW.

 I NEED TO BE NUMB. NOW.

MOTHER OF STONE



Sleepy head photo by Bas Lammers
Open your eyes Mother of Stone

MOTHER OF STONE

Each day I travel through miles of emptiness

Just to be near you.

When finally, I reach my destination,

You stand before me, distant and untouchable.

The tears fall from my eyes, yet you are blind to them.

My cries echo in the void between us, but fall upon deaf ears.

In desperation, on my knees, I beg for your eyes to open

That you might see the child before you.

A child born full of hope and promises—

All of them for you.

As I wait for you to become alive,

I dream that you take me in your arms

To comfort me with a loving embrace,

Where I feel safe and warm, free from all harm.

There, in a peaceful sleep, for a while I stay.

Sadly, the time arrives for me to go.

But, each time I leave your arms,

I run back to you for one last hold, one more touch.

Then violently, I am awakened by the harsh coldness of a stone

And a dark sky falling down around me, turning my world to black.

Memories of a stark stone—a heavy burden for a child to bear,

For a child to carry throughout eternity,

Infinitely waiting, for the reality of the mother of stone to be gone.

By 'R'

6/26/1994

You may not copy or use for any reason.  These words belong to me.



Ejection Day, Rejection Day

My Child and My Inner Child

I know none of you really know me except through this blog. But, I am an honest, upfront person. I can take a lot of crap from people, put up with their bull, etc. etc. But, there comes a time when I cannot take anymore and I have to eject them from my life...yes, just like the eject button in an air force jet. Well, for the GA zillionth time, I pressed the eject button yesterday. Same person was ejected because I was rejected. This is not just any ordinary person. This is my child...my child that I took care of for oh so many years because she has some health issues and some mental issues. I had second cousins sending me 'Happy Mother's Day' wishes and wishing me well. But, what do I get from my child...after getting her car fixed and getting her a new phone, bringing her food (when I am supposed to be giving her "tough love")...an ugly text that her computer is not working and more and more ugly words. Not one word about mother’s day. And it is not because she forgot. Probably the first reaction from people that read this will be "What did you do to her?" "Did you abuse her?" Since, I was abused as a child, many people will rush to judgment and think that I did the same to her...well the answer is NO I DID NOT ABUSE HER.  NO, I WAS NOT PERFECT EITHER.  But, I did everything in my power to protect her and help her while she was growing up. She moved out, moved back in, moved out, moved back in...until, she became angry at us because she had to depend on us. Long story short, I do not understand why this is happening and I can't take it anymore. This pain is so deep and unlike any other pain I have ever felt in my entire life. And believe me when I say that I have been through a LOT OF PAIN from the past, from the memories I have recovered and what all of this has done to my mind and the way I think. But nothing hurts worse than this…NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING.  I keep trying to hold on, to make myself want to live, but now there is just another hole in my heart that cannot be filled.  

I HATE YOU BUT I NEED YOU BUT I HATE YOU

JUST STOP IT.  ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS RUN ME OVER.
Why can’t I trust you?  You make no effort to help me.  You just sit there and talk and talk and talk and I don’t even know what the hell you are talking about….surely you know this for a fact.  Do I know ‘IVVY’?  Do I even care?  You won’t help me reach my other parts.  You won’t tell me that you care.  You won’t do anything to help me feel.  I hate therapy.  I hate therapists. I hate you.   You all suck.  Too many mind benders and head games…is that all you learned after so many years in school…All your little certificates hanging in your office.  What does that mean to me?  NADA, NOTHING, ZIP, Bull crap…artificial bait.  You are all the same.  Why can’t you see how much I need your help?  You know that I am hurting.  I can see it in your eyes.  What do you do…ignore me, pretend I do not exist, but I am here…I know you realize I am here and yet you do NOTHING.  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.   You are making me lose my mind.  Oh no, I forget, I am the one making me lose my mind.  I am the one that needs to reach out for your friendship.  NO THANK YOU.  KISS IT.   NEVER, EVER, FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE will I ever reach out to anyone else.  DO NOT HOLD YOUR BREATH.  IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.   You talk about the little ones and you do nothing.  Just stay away from me.  Leave me alone.  I want nothing from you.  I need nothing from you.  You are a jerk.  You are like everyone else in my life.  You make me sick…literally; I could vomit just thinking about you.


Photo from honourandhate.e-monsite.com



Depression...Chisel away no more

Another day another dollar...really who cares?  Not me.  Although I realize we have to have money to stay alive.  But, I do not really care to be alive…to fight the good fight.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  I wake up before sunrise with tears filling my eyes.  What is the problem?  How do you wake up with tears?   Is it those night terrors making me feel like I cannot breathe; I cannot move; I am paralyzed, suffocating, and dying?  I do not know.  I am just finding it very hard to keep myself going…going to where?  NO WHERE.  I am stuck…that is putting it mildly.  I am cemented in this life of confusion.  I have been chiseling away to no avail.  My tears and my pain have been my chisel.  Look at the picture...Tears falling from stone.  That is how I feel; stone cold, yet crying to break  free.  I am tired of trying to break free.  What is the use?  Yeah…I know, for me.  Which me? 

“I grieve, and dare not show my discontent;

  I love, and yet am forced to seem to hate;

  I do not dare to say I never meant,

  I seem stark mute, but inwardly I prate,

  I am, and am not; I freeze and yet am burn’d,

  Since from myself my other self I turned.”

~~Elizabeth I

WHY CAN'T I MOVE

I am barely functioning.  I can't move.  I have been lying around all day doing nothing except coming in and out of awareness.  It hurts.  I hurt.  There is no one to talk to, to reach out to for help.  I don't want to do this any more.  I can't take it.  I can't take the pain of existence.  I was shattered so long ago and the pieces are scattered like "Dust in the Wind...all we are is Dust in the Wind" (Kansas lyrics).




DUST STORMS





EASTER

I remember this being your favorite Holiday.   Some of us have been thinking about you quite often these days.  It is sad to not be seeing you any longer.  It is difficult to understand.  I guess this is just part of life.  I guess this is just another path we have begun to travel.  It is all so confusing to me.  Life has a way of  'pulling the rug out from under you'.  I have not gotten back up as of yet.

Happy Easter.

From 'R'

I NEED YOUR HELP...

to know who I am.  to know where I am.  to know where I have been.  to know if I have eaten.  to know what to do next.  to know when to get up.  to know when to sink.   to know when to swim.  to know when I am drowning.  to know my past.  to know the child.  to know the teen.  to know the adult.  to know when to leave.  to know when to stay.  to know how to survive.  to know how to live.  to know if I can trust.  to know if I am in pain.  to know if I am bleeding.  to know me.  to know.  to.

Tell me what to do.  Tell me who I am in this very moment.  Tell me where I belong.  Tell me who to trust.  Tell me why I am in pain.  Tell me who has my mind.  Tell me what room I belong in.  Tell me something.  Tell me.  Tell.

Make the noise in my brain stop.  Make the memories fade.  Make me into someone I can recognize. 

Don't leave me here alone.  Don't leave me.  Don't leave.  Don't.