HERE WE GO AGAIN

Monday, March 24, 2014

I had a very rough weekend.  I was supposed to go to psychodrama all weekend but I only made Friday evening.  We were doing an exercise call the social atom.  It is where you draw circles around each other with the inner most circle representing “me”.  Then you put the people in your life in proximity to “me”.  I realized that there are so few people in my life.  Everyone else had so many people surrounding them.  Some close and some outside of their circle.  They were talking about feeling joy and happiness.  If freaked me out.  When it was over, I left and totally disintegrated.  It is the same pattern I go through every time something happens. I go into isolation and do not want to be around people.  So, I did not go to the rest of the workshop.  Now, I regret not going.  This is not a healthy way to respond to life.  One would think that after all the years I spent in therapy and psychodrama I could react in a more controlled way.  That I could learn a different pattern to use.

 

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP…

Sometimes, I Just Wonder Why…30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 9)

Why?  Why was I born?  Why was I born into MY particular family?  Why was I neglected?  Why did I almost die at 14 months from malnutrition and neglect?  Why did they hurt me?  Why did I never receive the love I deserved as a child?  Why was I abused?

Why does it still hurt so much?  Why do I wake up some mornings and wonder the reason I am still alive?  Why hasn’t all these years of therapy ‘cured’ me?  Why can’t I get past ‘the past’?  Why hasn’t feeling all the pain, loss, and abandonment I experienced made the past ‘go away’?  Why are so many wounds still festering and bleeding?

So then from ‘why’, I go to ‘HOW’?

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN LIVING SO DEEP INSIDE MY SOUL; THIS ALL-CONSUMING VOID THAT IS ALIVE AND WELL TODAY; THIS DREAD SWIMMING IN MY HEAD?

Then, I look outside my window and see the sky, the trees glistening in the sun, the birds resting on the branches, and the squirrels romping from tree to high wires.  I see my dog sleeping peacefully on her bed. 

I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  ALL I HAVE IS THIS MYSTERIOUS FAITH; THIS INNER SOURCE TELLING ME TO LIVE. 

Do I need the answers to these questions to live my life?  Possibly, that answer is no, because there are no good answers.  I have searched and only found one answer:  humans choose to do good or evil.

ALL THERE IS FOR ME TODAY IS BLIND FAITH--faith in something bigger than all of us; kinder than all of us.   A Creator showing me that life is fragile and filled with humanness.  That all of us are wounded in some way, some fashion, and if we are not feeling it today…then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. 

So I will continue the good fight.  I will choose life.  I will find some way to help serve humanity…a smile given to a stranger, a friendly hello, a call to an old friend.  Today I will believe: “Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.”  Edmund Burke.  

 It is the smallest things in life that can make the biggest difference.

Go out today and live small.  Live your life gently.  Create.

Peace.

Nico

A SLIGHTLY HUGE DETOUR ON MY JOURNEY TO WHOLENESS

Microsoft Clip Art


It has been a week riddled with setbacks.  I am no longer surprised by this--it is to be expected on any journey.  There will always be bumps and potholes in the road. 

 

But this pothole was a huge one.  Let me just say that the pain sent me into a nose dive into the depths of the ocean, where there is no Light.  I lost touch with my Self and my creative side.  I lost touch PERIOD. 

 

It is not easy to admit certain things, especially failures and mistakes.  However, the admission of any mistake you might think you have made or of any perceived failure has the possibility of changing the way you view it. Sometimes, you will learn it is not always YOUR failure or mistake.  But, without bringing it into the spot light of admission, examining it under this illumination, either alone or with help, you might live with it in the shadows…and all for naught. 

 

This was the case for me this week.  I continue to learn that my first reaction to a problem seems to be self-blame.  Even though a little voice in the back of my mind, MY ANKH (intuition) whispers and then finally shouts, “THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  THIS IS THEIR HUGE FIERY BALL OF ENERGY BEING THROWN AT YOU.  YOUR REFUSAL TO NOT SOAK IT IN LIKE THE SPONGE YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE PAST IS CAUSING IT TO BE BOUNCED BACK ON TO THEM.  Of course, they are going to lash out in anger, because they want you to absorb all their negativity, so they can continue to not accept responsibility for their own choices.”

 

I had help from my teacher today and finally reached this conclusion.  She helped me understand that the people doing this to me are NOT FROM THE PAST, so it is different.  But, what happens is the ENERGY feels the same as it did in the past and it takes me back; it drags me down to the bottom of that deep dark well.  It triggers some of the same helplessness and hopelessness that I felt when I was living in the chaos of my childhood. But I am not a child any longer, although at times it still feels that way.   I have control now.  I do not have to give up control any longer.  I do not have to sacrifice my ‘self’ to anyone for any reason.  I can be ‘self’-ish.  I have a right to protect my ‘self’. 

 

We all make mistakes and have failures.  But, they are NOT always our fault.  Whenever two people are involved there is a dynamic going on between them.  An energy, if you will, comprised of all that has happened before in the relationship.  There is no blame, no shame; only the choices each individual makes for themselves. 

 

I am learning.  She is teaching.  I trust her wisdom and will absorb the lessons she has to share learned from her own wounded-ness, her own journey—but, only the ones that feel right to me.  She would not have it any other way.

 

I have been blessed.  I am grateful to God, the Creator, my Higher Power, my Source, my Beginning for the chances that have been presented to me to heal my past after so many years.

 

I feel stronger today.  I am a survivor who is learning to thrive.  I hope someone will be helped by the lessons I am learning on the journey I am taking.

 

Peace.

Nico

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

LET THE TREE OF LIFE GROW

William James:

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

For so many years, life has been a very scary thing for me.  My motto used to be “Life is worth LEAVING”.  It has only been recently that I have felt life is worth LIVING.  I could not find anything to fill the emptiness, the void I felt inside.  I kept searching for others, for things, to stop the pain for me.  It does not work. 

 

The only thing that has helped me has been to look deep inside; to face the pain, fear, and abandonment I have felt since as far back as I can remember; to bring all of my emotions into conscious awareness.    I HAD TO FEEL IN THE PRESENT. 

 

Since I was never allowed to do this freely as a child, I had to learn to do it as an adult.  I had to learn to try to stay present in the pain and not dissociate.  To do this I had to learn to feel the emotions and not just the physical pain.  My abuse left me numb.  When I first started therapy, I could not name the emotions I felt.  Other parts of me carried the anger, the pain, the fear and all my emotions.  Everything was compartmentalized into “neat” little parts…I use the term ‘neat’ loosely, as there was nothing neat about any of it.

This is not an easy process.  I think unless you have been abused in some way or have experienced some sort of trauma, you cannot understand just how hard and painful this lesson is to learn.  You just want someone to help you, to stop the pain; to stop the longing for a loving mother.  I used to beg my therapist to “Please MAKE IT STOP”.  But, all he could do was sit with me through the pain, help me to breathe; help me to come back to the present. 

 

He could not take it away; cutting could not take it away; alcohol could not take it away; drugs could not take it away.   I thought for years I could not live through any more pain.  When in reality, all this pain has made me stronger.  It has made me a more understanding, empathic person.  I would not change it now, even if it were possible.

What I would like you to take from this is that it is never too late to heal.  Please do not give up.  Just, when you think the darkness is going to consume you, a ray of light will show up.  Even if in the beginning it is dim, know that it grows brighter every day you keep surviving. 

Believe in yourself.  Never give up.  Survivors are strong people.  Soon you will THRIVE.

Peace,

Nico





Choose Your Own Path: DO NOT LET THE ABUSERS WIN

FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST

Victor Frankl

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

I realize many of you may not even want to read the last sentence, much less give it serious thought.  I have been there too; in that place of darkness where you feel that you have no control over anything; that there is no choice; that your life is out of control and it is 'running' you, not the other way around; that the pain and anguish of the past will never set you free...will never let you 'BE'.  It haunts your every waking thought.  While I have times of clarity, I still sink into this mode of thinking.

But, we do have a choice.  We cannot let abuse/abusers win.  We cannot give them our power.  We cannot sacrifice for them anymore.  Take back the control they stole from you. Take back your innocence.  Take back your soul.   Fight for your freedom from the past.  Be not afraid to go forward; fear can be crippling.  Choose to become the person you were meant to be.  It might be painful and hard work to learn who this 'person' is...but I am here to remind you, IT IS WORTH EVERY MINUTE!

Peace,

Nico



Where to go from here…

After Friday’s post, I suppose I just needed a break from writing, thinking, soul-searching, etc.  It was a very painful post and I was not certain I should press that infamous ‘Publish’ button.  I did a lot of dwelling before I posted it!  Finally, I decided I had ‘nothing to lose’ by posting it.  My husband does not know about this blog, so chances of him reading it are two:  Slim to none, and Slim just took a hike!!

I have to admit, it was liberating to write what I have wanted to say for so many years.  Even if I never take it any farther than this blog, I feel more empowered by the words I finally let out of my soul. 

I write to get clarity; to release whatever emotion that feels bottled up inside and suffocating my soul.  Today that emotion is darkness, even when I look out the window and see the sun shining and the leaves dancing in the wind.  What draws my attention more are the shadows.  The shadows cast by the leaves and the trees.  I see the brightness all around them, but I am mesmerized by the dark, still shadows.

As I sit here, I think about the last month or so focusing on the #Trust30 Challenge.  It was nothing like I have ever experienced before, and I think that might be some of why I feel so blue. I did not think that Friday’s post would be the last post and I would have MUCH rather ended on a more positive note!   But, it is okay to feel sad.  One of the many lessons I have learned over the years is, that for me, it is better to let my emotions out rather than try to repress them or deny them.  They are part of who I am as a whole.  To deny any of them is to deny a part of myself.  I refuse to deny myself any longer—even the ‘shadow’ parts.  ‘I’ was denied over and over as a child; then the denial continued into my early thirty’s.  If I am to be totally honest, the denial continued until recently.  It was not as severe, but it was still there.  All it did was keep my true self buried.  Not a very productive way to live one’s life…I do not recommend it.

Another reason is my teacher is leaving for over two weeks.  This always seems to cause some fear, if not in me, then is some of the other parts of myself.

So anyway, I know this will pass.  I have a lot of positive things going on in my life.  My most recent blessing has been the new, wise, friends I have made during this challenge; I still have my previous friends whom I love dearly; I have my fairly new teacher, whose knowledge has become an indispensable part of my recovery; and I also have the weekly group I attend.

Also, I am creating.  I am transforming one of the rooms in our house into ‘my’ room.  A place where I can just be whomever I need to be and do whatever I need to do for my continued growth. This was a suggestion from my teacher.  It is exciting for me.  I will have a place to draw again!  Not that I am a great artist, but it is another release.  So, once it is completed, maybe I will take some pictures for all of you!

I am still travelling Ever On!

Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford and Sons

PEACE!

Surprise: by Ashley Ambirge (Day 13) #trust30

"I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?
(Author: Ashley Ambirge)
 

In April of 2003, I became wheel chair bound due to an attack of Multiple Sclerosis.  At the time, the doctors could not give me a diagnosis.  The diagnosis did not occur until late in the year of 2005.  Because of not being able to find a diagnosis, many of the self-proclaimed gods called neurologists (I hope there are no neurologists reading this!) insisted that it was all in my mind; conversion disorder.  At first, I was infuriated.  But then, I sunk into the depths of despair.  I refused to eat.  I would not get out of bed.  Besides, I could not get out of bed alone, as my left side was almost totally useless.  Luckily, my husband was able to work from home and help take care of me.  This suicidal depression continued for weeks.  I wish I could say that I came out of this ‘Dark Night’ through my own motivation, but such is not the case.  My psychiatrist threatened to commit me!  I was in a wheel chair and handicapped before I had reached the half century mark.  How dare anyone expect me to ‘suck it up’!  Why, the audacity!!  I was on the pity potty!

 

It was at a snail’s pace, but I finally pulled myself up by ‘the boot straps’ and decided I had to continue with my life.  I began my routine of physical therapy three times a week.  That went on for a year.  But, finally I was strong enough for a full leg brace.  Then, I graduated from the wheel chair to a walker.  Physical therapy continued and I continued to improve until I was able to walk with a half leg brace, on my own!

This period of time made me so aware of the injustices that disabled people have to face on a daily basis.  Not enough handicap parking; some of the restrooms marked ‘handicapped’ were NOT true to their name; people acted like the wheel chair was a bother.  I could go on, but I think you can get the picture.  I also began to look at other disabled people and realized that I was NOT that ‘bad off’.  There were many people suffering way more than I.

This period of time was a huge growth spurt for me.  I was truly surprised at how I became so determined to walk again; totally resolved to overcome the limitations that were suddenly thrust upon my body.  If anything, I learned that I did have some inner strength.  Our trials truly make us stronger and more compassionate.

So what will I do to surprise myself this week?  I will continue to search for my true self.  I will continue to strive to not cause ripples in the water.  I will continue my journey to wholeness.  I will be determined and resolved.

Fear: by Lachlan Cotter (Day 12) #trust30

“These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members.” -– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:

Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?

Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?

Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?

Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.

The voices I hear in solitude do disappear as I enter the world.  But, it is not society that conspires against me, it is I.  It is my own fear that paralyzes my freedom; my own apprehensive thoughts that will not let me dare to live my dream; my panicked thoughts of being too weak and insecure keeping me from moving out of my cocoon. 

Is it worth it?  How could not being your true self ever be worth it.  There is nothing more to discuss on that topic.

Will it matter?  Of course it matters.  It matters every moment of every day.  It consumes my very being.  It obsesses every thought.  I will never be happy being this person I am today.   I can only hope and pray that one day I will find the strength to be the real me and not live behind the mask I have been wearing for as long as I can remember.  I can only dream that one day I will set myself free.

Thoughts on the Holocaust…Similarities in Surviving (post #4)

“…not the end of the darkness but its hold over those seeking to find a bit of warmth, a bit of light.” (The Accident, by Elie Wiesel)

This is what my abuse did to me.  It surrounded me in darkness and took root in my soul.  It has left me in the cold…turned my ‘Dawn’ into ‘Night’.  I am always just a breath away from warmth.  I never quite see the light.  Both are elusive and remote.  It seems no matter what I try, the warmth of life never embraces me; the light never shines into my life.  “Memory is our home.”  “…death is not the enemy.” (The Accident, by Elie Wiesel)

I try not to dwell in the past.  I try not to think about death.  But, I have not found a way to control it.  It creeps into my thoughts without my even knowing.  One moment I feel almost sane, nearly alive.  Then the next, I am in chaos, surrounded by all the misery the past suddenly hurls into the present.  I become a stranger to myself.

Maybe I just cannot heal.  Maybe I do not have the courage or the strength to lift myself up from the abyss.  These are hopeless thoughts.  I struggle with hopelessness, despair, loneliness, depression and suicidal ideation.  I long to go ‘home’, because I do not view death as the enemy but as the end—not the end of life, but the end of suffering.  Because, honestly, is not that the truth?  Does not death, hopefully, take us to where we began; to our real home with the Creator?  I do not blame God (or whatever name you choose) for what has happened.  I blame humankind for choosing to do evil.  Every day we make choices that affect each of us.  The results initiating ripples that radiate outward to the other people in our lives, moving beyond them to the people in their lives and on and on.  We are all connected.  We are one.  Any kind of abuse does just this…it is passed on from generation to generation.  The difference is that abuse does not make ripples.  Abuse makes the seas angry and the ripples turn into giant swells sinking any ship in their path. The ramifications are carried on through the years until WE make it stop. 

Do you understand that humans have not learned yet?  Every moment in every day, some form of abuse is being initiated.  Whether it is sexual abuse, genocide, emotional, physical…when is it going to stop?  When are we going to learn?  How many people and children have to die, not only physically but emotionally, before we stop all this evilness? 

My guess is not until the world ends.

The butterfly is the symbol used to represent the children who perished in the Holocaust.  The use of the butterfly originates from this poem by Pavel Friedman (January 7, 1921 – September 29, 1944).

 

The Butterfly

The last, the very last,

So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.

Perhaps if the sun's tears would sing

against a white stone. . . .

Such, such a yellow

Is carried lightly 'way up high.

It went away I'm sure because it wished to

kiss the world good-bye.

For seven weeks I've lived in here,

Penned up inside this ghetto.

But I have found what I love here.

The dandelions call to me

And the white chestnut branches in the court.

Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly was the last one.

Butterflies don't live in here,

in the ghetto.

Please remember that these are my thoughts and opinions.  You do not have permission to copy or use them in any way.

Ejection Day, Rejection Day

My Child and My Inner Child

I know none of you really know me except through this blog. But, I am an honest, upfront person. I can take a lot of crap from people, put up with their bull, etc. etc. But, there comes a time when I cannot take anymore and I have to eject them from my life...yes, just like the eject button in an air force jet. Well, for the GA zillionth time, I pressed the eject button yesterday. Same person was ejected because I was rejected. This is not just any ordinary person. This is my child...my child that I took care of for oh so many years because she has some health issues and some mental issues. I had second cousins sending me 'Happy Mother's Day' wishes and wishing me well. But, what do I get from my child...after getting her car fixed and getting her a new phone, bringing her food (when I am supposed to be giving her "tough love")...an ugly text that her computer is not working and more and more ugly words. Not one word about mother’s day. And it is not because she forgot. Probably the first reaction from people that read this will be "What did you do to her?" "Did you abuse her?" Since, I was abused as a child, many people will rush to judgment and think that I did the same to her...well the answer is NO I DID NOT ABUSE HER.  NO, I WAS NOT PERFECT EITHER.  But, I did everything in my power to protect her and help her while she was growing up. She moved out, moved back in, moved out, moved back in...until, she became angry at us because she had to depend on us. Long story short, I do not understand why this is happening and I can't take it anymore. This pain is so deep and unlike any other pain I have ever felt in my entire life. And believe me when I say that I have been through a LOT OF PAIN from the past, from the memories I have recovered and what all of this has done to my mind and the way I think. But nothing hurts worse than this…NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING.  I keep trying to hold on, to make myself want to live, but now there is just another hole in my heart that cannot be filled.  

Depression...Chisel away no more

Another day another dollar...really who cares?  Not me.  Although I realize we have to have money to stay alive.  But, I do not really care to be alive…to fight the good fight.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  I wake up before sunrise with tears filling my eyes.  What is the problem?  How do you wake up with tears?   Is it those night terrors making me feel like I cannot breathe; I cannot move; I am paralyzed, suffocating, and dying?  I do not know.  I am just finding it very hard to keep myself going…going to where?  NO WHERE.  I am stuck…that is putting it mildly.  I am cemented in this life of confusion.  I have been chiseling away to no avail.  My tears and my pain have been my chisel.  Look at the picture...Tears falling from stone.  That is how I feel; stone cold, yet crying to break  free.  I am tired of trying to break free.  What is the use?  Yeah…I know, for me.  Which me? 

“I grieve, and dare not show my discontent;

  I love, and yet am forced to seem to hate;

  I do not dare to say I never meant,

  I seem stark mute, but inwardly I prate,

  I am, and am not; I freeze and yet am burn’d,

  Since from myself my other self I turned.”

~~Elizabeth I