Smash365: Statement: An attempt to answer two comments from ‘Anonymous’ on my writing ‘Perfection’.

The reason one writes isn’t the fact he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Step on your soapbox and write about what is on your mind. Make a statement in your writing about anything that is residing within you. The end of a 4-day holiday weekend? Black Friday shopping? The space between holidays and the coming new year?

Make a statement without judgment. Give yourself the platform you need to shout it out on paper for ten minutes.

Where did writing take you today?

 Picture:  Dante:  Angels

My thoughts:

When I opened my email today, I had this prompt and two comments from ‘anonymous’ on my article titled ‘Perfection’.

This is my human attempt to answer the two following comments:

1)

Nico,
I saw your posting on Let Go Let Peace Come In. I am deeply disturbed by Penn State scandal and feel that I must do something. I am a mother of two boys and work full time but there must be something I can do... Any ideas?

2)

Nico,
One more question... I am having a hard time with the fact that g-d would allow innocent children get raped over and over again... I am losing my faith. How do you forgive g-d for allowing all that happened to you to take place?


My Answer:

The first answer that comes to mind for question one is vigilance.  If you see or suspect any type of abuse, whether it is with a child or an adult do not be afraid to report it.  When people do nothing evil blooms.  Do not assume that someone else will take a stand against abuse.  Never make that assumption.  Take action by reporting it.  You have nothing to lose, but whoever might be the victim of abuse has their Soul to lose…because abuse murders the Soul.  If you do not have time or the ability to volunteer, you might donate money to a shelter or home.  You could write letters to your Senators and Congressman to help change laws.

To answer your second question, I must take the liberty to express MY PERSONAL BELIEFS about g-d.  By no means am I trying to change or challenge your beliefs or convince you of anything different than what you believe. 

I do not believe that g-d ‘allows innocent children to get raped’.  I do not believe in a punishing g-d.  We are the ones who forget g-d, not the other way around.  Humans have free will.  Humans have choice to do good or evil.  It is humankind hurting each other.  I do not feel any need to forgive g-d.  The direction my forgiveness has to take is towards my abusers.  They are the ones who inflicted the pain and anguish I endured as a child.  They are the reasons I chose to live in the suffering and anguish I experienced as an adult.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  I chose to continue my suffering as an adult.  No, I did not realize I was choosing.  I felt helpless and hopeless.  Just as when I was a child, as an adult I saw no way out.  I felt trapped and imprisoned.  I could not let go of the pain.  I had no hope.  I was disillusioned with g-d, but did not blame g-d.

It has been a long journey to heal my Soul back to life.  But now I feel the winds have turned and I am moving forward.  Yes, I still have difficult times.  However, the darkness now goes away after I feel the pain.  Until recently I lived in continual darkness.  That has been my path and I have accepted it.  It has led me to become the person I am today.  I have no regrets.

It was not until I realized that other choices were available to me, and I felt empowered that I began to make my own decisions on how I wanted to live; that I began to take control of my life.  The abuse was not from g-d, it was from humans.  Humans are weak.  Our ego controls our actions.  WE HAVE TO LET GO OF OUR EGO and find our HIGHER SELF to reconnect with g-d.  Healing is about forgiveness, love and learning to connect…because as a victim/survivor we do not trust enough to connect on a Soul level to others.  Without connections we shrivel up and die not only emotionally, but spiritually.  With connections we THRIVE.  With connections we can begin to forgive, take in the painful lessons our past has taught us, and use them to help others. 

Hope never dies.  Never give up.  To give up is to allow the abusers victory.  There are no winners in these situations.  So we learn to live our life to the fullest and try to make a difference whenever we can.  Hopefully, once we heal, our suffering will have taught us compassion for others; made us more loving people; and make us realize that g-d was with us through it all.

I hope you will not lose faith.  If at all possible connect to g-d.  That is the beginning of our Soul and that is where healing begins.  You are not alone.

Peace,

Nico

Breathe life into my soul

All I really want is for the Creator to breathe life into my soul.  I want to feel alive.  I don’t want to feel dead anymore. 

While I may have been born many years ago, I have never felt alive; I have never lived my life.  It has always felt like I was on the outside of everything and everyone, watching but never participating. 

I want to be a part of life.   I want to belong.  I want to be. 

Why can I not feel this way?

Peace.

Nico

STOP CHILD ABUSE.  IT MURDERS THE SOUL.

Smash 365: Write: ALGAE

Use this prompt to inspire. Write for 5 minutes:

“She lays motionless underneath the surface of the water with bright green algae.”

Can she breathe?  Will the stagnation keep her in the darkness? What is this bright green substance trying to teach?  Could it be that she might need to stay under for a while longer?  Could it mean that she needs to hold her breath and feel the isolation that surrounds her being?  There is certainly a lesson to learn from this.  There is meaning in all situations if you look deep enough. 

Is she alive?  How long has this state of stagnation been her life?  What will it take to jolt her out of this dead zone in which she is suspended?

Is it the pain of the past?  Is it the longing for the comfort from a mother’s love?  How long will it take to let go of the chains that bind her to the depths of despair?  When will she ever look from above to see the beauty of the bright green algae…instead of looking from below, up into the darkness, where the sun never shines?

There is no answer for this.  In her own time, in her own way, when she is ready.  There is no other path to take at this moment.  She must live in the illusion; she must survive in the pain.

The only thing that will help her break through the green darkness is connection to others.  The algae may seem bright on the outside.  But, looks can be deceiving.  Do not let this trick you into believing the task is simple.  It could very well be a life long journey.

Bid her well.  To her closest friends, reach out to her in the darkness.  Be her tether, ground her to the present.  For she does not know the time in which she lives.  Her sight is altered by the algae.

The OPEN HEART Is on Fire: The Path to Your Soul’s Freedom

"The most powerful weapon on earth is the human Soul on fire."~~Ferdinand Foch

In the past and because of the nature of my past, i.e. extreme, long term child abuse, my heart was closed not only to me, but to all of mankind.  There was no fire in my soul.  Since, I last wrote, for the most part I have turned inward again.  Some people may think this is selfish or egotistical.  However, I believe it is the path to freedom; the path to letting go of the negative; the path to overcoming the ego; the path to my Creator.

It is not so much that I ignore the world and my surroundings.  I do not…I continue to live each day to the fullest, but my focus has been on the opening of my heart.  I believe it is only when we examine our ‘heart’ which I am using as a representative of our soul, that we can become whole.  We must face the pain of our existence, our humanness.  Even if you have not suffered child abuse, you have suffered.  You will recognize and find your suffering in your defenses; in your reactions to situations; in your ‘shadow’ or ‘light’ aspects of your personality, better known as your ego.

Until recently, I felt I had to encapsulate my heart.  I felt I had to protect it from being vulnerable, from being abused, from feeling, from all the ‘evil’ I feared so vehemently.  I was dreadfully wrong.  This has been the destruction of my soul, my Self.  Ironically, the walls I built to protect myself were the walls that were causing my pain.  For to block out ‘shadow’, we also block out ‘light’.

I am not saying that we go out and find people to abuse us or hurt us or cause us pain—quite the opposite.  We go out in the world and live in compassion and love.  Do to our human tendencies, we all will have pain put in our life, sometimes we might even be the cause of another’s pain.  Hopefully, the pain we cause will not be purposeful; it will be coming from our subconscious or even conscious inadequacies.  We must remember this one basic fact: 

“When someone acts out, when they yell or conduct themselves with arrogance or are purposefully hurtful, it is usually because THEY are hurting in some way, whether they will admit it or not. You have a choice: be in compassion or sit in the pain and resentment that they have shared with you.”  Ayamanatara

We must acknowledge, admit, and accept our inadequacies to overcome what keeps us un-centered. This can be very difficult and extremely painful.  We do not succumb easily to the realization that some of our aspects are on the ‘shadow’ side, or even on the ‘light’ side.  In all aspects of our personalities there are two sides:  shadow and light.  Neither one of them are ‘bad’ in and of themselves.  It is when we are living in the extreme of one or the other that they can become destructive.  It is the extremes that cause destruction and negativity. 

Think of it this way:  In an addiction, is it really the substance that is ‘bad’ i.e. alcohol, food, drugs, religion, etc. ?   I view it more as using the substance to either extreme…this is when it becomes an addiction.  Of course, people realize the ‘shadow’ aspect of addiction…which would be the overuse of a substance.  But have you ever thought about the ‘light’ attribute of addiction—the total abstinence of a substance or the total alignment with a certain world view.  This can be an addiction also.  This too can be an escape from your reality.  It can lead to intolerance, a feeling of superiority and living in illusion.  It can also lead to our causing pain to our fellow humans.

If we try to live centered, in compassion and love, with an open heart—here we will find our protection.  It is in this state of being centered where we will find our true selves.  We will find our Creator, our God, our Source, our Higher Power, and our Self (or whatever terms you choose).   We will need no other protection. For if you honestly know, if you truly believe—when you are openly connected and centered in your Belief, there is nothing you cannot overcome.

Today, I have emerged with a fire in my Soul I have never felt before.

Peace,

Nico



Anastasia...a part of my soul

Anastasia's Eyes, by Dan Fogelberg

The Journey to Silent Listening, “Divine Gloom”, 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 10)

In a sense, I have been away.  But, I have been working on my Creativity Challenge.  I try to create every day. 

Sometimes, my creativity is focused inward.  It is sitting in the silence and listening for its wisdom and healing.   It cannot be expressed in words until I have done the work that needs to be done.  My most recent journey inward has been very painful, yet very healing.  When I realized the process I had been through and the outcome, I was in awe of how the Self and its connection to God, my Creator, my Higher Power, my Source can be unconsciously within us.  There it is—dormant, waiting for us to reach out, waiting for us to feel the healing power within our grasp. 

For me healing is a daily process.  Parts of my soul, my essence were stolen during my childhood.   This left me permeable.  The things that filled these holes were negative.  All the wounds in my soul left me feeling less than human.  I felt cursed and evil. 

But, I AM NOT.  This is what the abuse did to me.  ABUSE MURDERS THE SOUL.  They, the abusers, determined my life for me.  They put me on the path that continued the destruction of my soul. 

Once I finally realized that I no longer had to follow the life they chose for me, that I could choose the life I wanted to live, I began to heal.  This is a realization that all people need to experience, not just survivors of abuse or trauma.  I believe that every person  has wounded souls.  This is part of life.  It is the nature of our existence.

I had to search for myself.  I had to find the parts that were stripped from me, the parts that dissociated and kept me alive through some very unbearable, unspeakable pain.  I have to reclaim my soul that was shattered.  I have to reclaim my mind.  I have to remove the negative.  No one can do this for me.  Yes, I need help and support.  But the work has to come from within me.  I have to go into many dark places to find what needs to be found.  I will be totally honest with you, it is a painful journey.  I have no choice in this.  If I want to become whole and healed, this is what I feel I need to do.  It may not be the same for everyone.  We all heal differently. 

I am no longer afraid of the pain.  I will not avoid it.  It will no longer conquer my soul. 

Invictus

By:  William Ernest Henley

“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

During my participation of the #Trust30 Ralph Waldo Emerson Challenge, my friend Michi Lantz (you can find her here: http://barefootonsacredground.wordpress.com/ ) suggested I listen to this poem on You Tube.  I had heard of it but never really ‘heard’ it…if you understand what I mean.  You can listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/user/Interrutpion?feature=mhum#p/c/9F1F9610BB3263AD/0/Nv2Thlik6ck

This realization that I can heal myself is very powerful.  The healing process is very painful, yet cleansing.  It is a lifelong journey, because we never know when pain will enter our lives, we just know it is inevitable.  Left unprocessed and unhealed, pain and the loss of soul it creates, wreak havoc in our lives.

My wish is for all of humanity to be healed.   If we each work on healing ourselves and helping each other on our journey, it can happen.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Peace.

Nico

Oleg Korolev Peresvet, Oslyabya, Divine Gloom

Sometimes, I Just Wonder Why…30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 9)

Why?  Why was I born?  Why was I born into MY particular family?  Why was I neglected?  Why did I almost die at 14 months from malnutrition and neglect?  Why did they hurt me?  Why did I never receive the love I deserved as a child?  Why was I abused?

Why does it still hurt so much?  Why do I wake up some mornings and wonder the reason I am still alive?  Why hasn’t all these years of therapy ‘cured’ me?  Why can’t I get past ‘the past’?  Why hasn’t feeling all the pain, loss, and abandonment I experienced made the past ‘go away’?  Why are so many wounds still festering and bleeding?

So then from ‘why’, I go to ‘HOW’?

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN LIVING SO DEEP INSIDE MY SOUL; THIS ALL-CONSUMING VOID THAT IS ALIVE AND WELL TODAY; THIS DREAD SWIMMING IN MY HEAD?

Then, I look outside my window and see the sky, the trees glistening in the sun, the birds resting on the branches, and the squirrels romping from tree to high wires.  I see my dog sleeping peacefully on her bed. 

I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  ALL I HAVE IS THIS MYSTERIOUS FAITH; THIS INNER SOURCE TELLING ME TO LIVE. 

Do I need the answers to these questions to live my life?  Possibly, that answer is no, because there are no good answers.  I have searched and only found one answer:  humans choose to do good or evil.

ALL THERE IS FOR ME TODAY IS BLIND FAITH--faith in something bigger than all of us; kinder than all of us.   A Creator showing me that life is fragile and filled with humanness.  That all of us are wounded in some way, some fashion, and if we are not feeling it today…then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. 

So I will continue the good fight.  I will choose life.  I will find some way to help serve humanity…a smile given to a stranger, a friendly hello, a call to an old friend.  Today I will believe: “Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.”  Edmund Burke.  

 It is the smallest things in life that can make the biggest difference.

Go out today and live small.  Live your life gently.  Create.

Peace.

Nico

JUST AN INNOCENT PICTURE? 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 4)

This is a picture that I have hanging in my room.  It is very old; possibly 60 years or more.  It belonged to my maternal grand-parents.  So, in some ways I cherish that it ended up in my care until it is passed on to someone else.

But, I have to admit that this picture evokes tremendous pain in my soul.  It brings forth my wounded child.  Sadly, this child still longs to be taken care of by a loving mother; longs for the attachment that was never made; longs to be loved by her siblings.

Maybe today I am sitting in vulnerability and my emotions are surfacing more than I would like.  While it is painful, it is not necessarily a negative experience.  It is a sign that I need to work on a part of my soul that has been neglected; a part of me that I keep trying to deny and put aside until I am ready to ‘deal’ with it.  But, this is not how life works.  This is not how the path to wholeness works.  Change refuses to be minimized and neglected, the way the wounded child was minimized and neglected.  Change must be embraced with a loving hug that the wounded child never experienced.  Change must be allowed to grow the soul that was stifled in the wounded child.

One must be open to change whenever it appears on your path.  We are constantly changing whether we realize it or not.  The way to wholeness is to embrace all change and learn the lessons it is trying to teach us.  When we embrace all of our Self, we will move closer to our Creator.  This is what our Self, our Soul longs for…the connectedness to our Creator.  We must overcome the obstacles in our life that have disconnected us from our Creator.  This, my dear readers is what I believe will lead us to wholeness.  This is what will lead us to inner peace.

Peace.

Nico

Let YOUR Truth Set You Free...

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Maya Angelou



To heal, to set yourself free, you must speak your truth. Do not hide your story. Do not let shame keep you a prisoner. Never fear the truth no matter how sad or painful it may be...it is the truth that will set you free. It is bringing the truth into the light, out of the darkness, that will help you heal. This has been my experience. I hope it will help others.


Peace,
Nico

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

LET THE TREE OF LIFE GROW

William James:

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

For so many years, life has been a very scary thing for me.  My motto used to be “Life is worth LEAVING”.  It has only been recently that I have felt life is worth LIVING.  I could not find anything to fill the emptiness, the void I felt inside.  I kept searching for others, for things, to stop the pain for me.  It does not work. 

 

The only thing that has helped me has been to look deep inside; to face the pain, fear, and abandonment I have felt since as far back as I can remember; to bring all of my emotions into conscious awareness.    I HAD TO FEEL IN THE PRESENT. 

 

Since I was never allowed to do this freely as a child, I had to learn to do it as an adult.  I had to learn to try to stay present in the pain and not dissociate.  To do this I had to learn to feel the emotions and not just the physical pain.  My abuse left me numb.  When I first started therapy, I could not name the emotions I felt.  Other parts of me carried the anger, the pain, the fear and all my emotions.  Everything was compartmentalized into “neat” little parts…I use the term ‘neat’ loosely, as there was nothing neat about any of it.

This is not an easy process.  I think unless you have been abused in some way or have experienced some sort of trauma, you cannot understand just how hard and painful this lesson is to learn.  You just want someone to help you, to stop the pain; to stop the longing for a loving mother.  I used to beg my therapist to “Please MAKE IT STOP”.  But, all he could do was sit with me through the pain, help me to breathe; help me to come back to the present. 

 

He could not take it away; cutting could not take it away; alcohol could not take it away; drugs could not take it away.   I thought for years I could not live through any more pain.  When in reality, all this pain has made me stronger.  It has made me a more understanding, empathic person.  I would not change it now, even if it were possible.

What I would like you to take from this is that it is never too late to heal.  Please do not give up.  Just, when you think the darkness is going to consume you, a ray of light will show up.  Even if in the beginning it is dim, know that it grows brighter every day you keep surviving. 

Believe in yourself.  Never give up.  Survivors are strong people.  Soon you will THRIVE.

Peace,

Nico





Choose Your Own Path: DO NOT LET THE ABUSERS WIN

FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST

Victor Frankl

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

I realize many of you may not even want to read the last sentence, much less give it serious thought.  I have been there too; in that place of darkness where you feel that you have no control over anything; that there is no choice; that your life is out of control and it is 'running' you, not the other way around; that the pain and anguish of the past will never set you free...will never let you 'BE'.  It haunts your every waking thought.  While I have times of clarity, I still sink into this mode of thinking.

But, we do have a choice.  We cannot let abuse/abusers win.  We cannot give them our power.  We cannot sacrifice for them anymore.  Take back the control they stole from you. Take back your innocence.  Take back your soul.   Fight for your freedom from the past.  Be not afraid to go forward; fear can be crippling.  Choose to become the person you were meant to be.  It might be painful and hard work to learn who this 'person' is...but I am here to remind you, IT IS WORTH EVERY MINUTE!

Peace,

Nico



Change Your Thinking by Maryellen Smith #Trust30 (Post 45)

“If you can’t change your fate, change your attitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

At any given point in time, you’re only one thought away from changing your thinking. What thought can you change today?

(Author: Maryellen Smith)

Why is it that when I ‘Google’ this quote, it is attributed to “Amy Tan”?

Fate…what exactly is your definition of fate? 

What definition did Mr. Emerson or Amy Tan have in mind when ‘they’ wrote these words?  Do you believe it is some named or unnamed “force predetermining events” (Encarta Dictionary: English).  Like with all things that are not actually a science, but instead a faith, a belief, a truth, an educated guess, there are many ways to view this concept of fate.  I deeply respect all views and by writing my beliefs, in no way am I trying to negate yours.

Ultimately, we all have the same fate.  We all die.  Our time on this earth is limited and what happens to us after is truly a mystery.  Please do not misunderstand the point I am trying to make…I believe in something more, something Higher. But in my humanness, I feel that I cannot define it.

However, I will start with this quote:

“Fate makes our relatives, choice makes our friends.”

(Jacques Delille) 

While we may have been fated to be born into this world, what we do while we are alive is our choice.  No, we do not have much control over what happens to us.  But we do have total control over our attitude, how we react, and how we live this life we were ‘given’.

Why should we so carelessly attribute what happens to us as human beings…to our lives, to the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat to fate.  Are we afraid to accept responsibility?  Are we too lazy to ‘do the work’?  Are we not willing to take control of our ‘fate’?

These are the questions I have lived for many years now.  I wanted to blame my past, my abusers, my choice-less choices for the path I was on…if I took responsibility for my pain, my depression, my anger, my fear, my lack of faith, what exactly would that mean.  If I was responsible and did not like what was happening…

I WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE!  I would have to choose another path.

Who in their right mind would want to descend into the unknown? 

What I did not realize was that I was already traveling in the ‘unknown’.  I was living in the illusion of familiarity, when in reality, every moment and every breath is always unfamiliar, unknown.  But, it was not until I lost the illusion, until I consciously descended into the ‘unknown’ that I started to become an individual.  I was finally born out of the fate that was originally given to me.  It was in this darkness that I became aware of my true Self.  It was here, from the bottom of a deep well that I started to rise up, to choose, to create, to LIVE. 

It is not a perfect world.  Sometimes, I still fall into darkness.  But, with the thought of my new awareness so illuminating, I am not as fearful as I was before to continue my creation; to continue on my life-long journey to the Self.

This is the fate I choose.

Not this:

Peace, Nico

Legacy by Tim Belber #Trust30 (Post 41) STOP CHILD ABUSE

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

One definition of legacy is what someone feels, thinks and says when they hear your name. What are you doing today to build the legacy you want?

(Author: Tim Belber)

While it may be the ‘greatest accomplishment’ to be myself ‘in a world that is constantly trying to make’ me something else…it does not always feel so great!!  Also, by all means, I am not saying that I am always being ‘myself’.  There are many times when I still live behind my mask.  Sadly, until recently, I never could discern the difference between the two.  I was not in touch, nor aware of the difference between the many masks I wear and the ‘real’ me.  I still have amnesia when some of my 'masks' are living this life.  Now that dear readers is living in a dissociated state.  I have many ‘states’ (not united!) that deal with day to day living.  For me to give my parts the name ‘masks’ seems a little harsh.  They have their own names.  But if I am honest, they are masks, albeit, protective masks.

 It has been my experience that many people do not understand or believe in the diagnosis Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Honestly, what you believe is irrelevant to me.  I am not here to debate the topic.  But, I am here to tell you it is alive and well, right here in “River City” (from the movie The Music Man).  It is a survival technique.  As I MIGHT have mentioned before—surviving is not thriving.  While D.I.D. kept me ‘sane’ throughout my childhood, the chaos and suffering it caused as an adult seemed like INSANITY.  However, several doctors have reassured me, much to my dismay that I am NOT insane.  There have been many times when I felt it would be preferable to be psychotic and crazy.  Crazy would be easier to accept and understand.  I am not one to write down and share publicly the gory details of my abuse.  I do not like the sensationalism of abuse.  In my opinion, it is distasteful and tarnishes the sacredness of the subject.  I find it very ironical that something so pernicious, caused by pure EVIL can be held sacred.  But the topic of child abuse is and should be held in sacrosanctity.

Today, this is what I am doing for my legacy.  I am shouting to anyone that will listen to my screams to STOP CHILD ABUSE.  I am trying to bring awareness to the subject.  People, please listen to me.  It really occurs to more children than which you are aware.  It is not some imaginary occurrence.  It does not just happen every once in a while.  If you suspect abuse you need to observe and determine if you need to report it.  Children are precious.  They are our future.  We need to protect them and teach them self-respect, values, kindness, and caring.  WE NEED TO LOVE THEM WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS. 

My legacy : 

CHILDREN ARE THE MIRACLES OF LIFE AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. 

I WILL REPEAT THIS MESSAGE UNTIL THE DAY I TAKE MY LAST BREATH:

STOP CHILD ABUSE.

CHILD ABUSE MURDERS THE SOUL.

Mirror, Mirror by Esther Poyer #Trust30 (Post 40)

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

(Author: Esther Poyer)

Lies can be beautiful, but only when you live behind the mask.  Lies are only beautiful to the false self.  To live and believe your lies is to deny your Self.  By denying your Self, you reject the world and all its opportunities for connection, for peace, for Life.   You reject yourself.   It is my beliefs by doing this you become hardened.  Your life is lived in fear, anger, and disconnection to the Creator, to the Self.  You become empty--VOID.

I know this…I really KNOW this because I lived like this for years.  I lived behind the appearance that everything was wonderful.  Everything bad was good.   I was BAD.  This is what being abused as a child can do to you.  The only good I was taught as a child came from my years in Catholic school.  Even those lessons were tainted with humiliation and self-degradation.  I do not blame the nuns.  It was ‘the way’ of life during my childhood years.  I learned to more fully understand when I read the book by Alice Miller, “For Your Own Good”.  One must be courageous to come out of a life of ‘lies’.  “If we are courageous enough to face the truth, the world will change, for the power of that “poisonous pedagogy’ which has dominated us for so long has been dependent upon our fear, our confusion and our childish credulity; once it is exposed to the light of truth, it will inevitably disappear.” (Alice Miller, November 1982)

 

What I see in the mirror today is not necessarily what I will see in the mirror tomorrow.   This is my hope.  I want to be a new and better creation each and every day. 

Today, I see bloodshot eyes staring back at me in questioning.  Why she asks?  When she asks?  I can tell she is getting older, thinking she is running out of time, wasting every precious moment in her hesitation; lost in the transition of her onward journey.  There is a desperation hidden behind her smile.  As I look deeper into her eyes, her old companion fear is still lurking within.  She wonders if she will ever truly be able to live life unafraid.  She longs for her daughter to return the love she wants to so freely give.  She hungers for forgiveness from whatever ‘sins’ she may have committed.  In that final minute, that one last gaze, she asks to be set free.