Dreams by Michael Rad #Trust30 (Day 18)

Abide in the simple and noble regions of thy life, obey thy heart. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down your top three dreams. Now write down what’s holding you back from them.

  

Now, why does this prompt not surprise me?  Since, I barely came up with one dream for the post yesterday, there is no way I will be able to come up with three today.

 I understand that repetition is a good teacher.  To write over and over what is holding us back from our dreams might allow us to actualize the dreams, to bring them to fruition.  However, for me this ‘repetition’ is taking me back to a time in elementary school.  It was the time for writing lines-- not only at school, but at home.  In the classroom, if you were REALLY bad, you had the privilege to write your lines on the chalkboard.  I guess that was better than sitting in front of the entire class wearing a ‘baby bib’ with the word ‘BABY’ stitched on the front.  At home it was one of the easier punishments--much easier than kneeling in front of the toilet for hours.  I will not bore you with any more details.

So—FORGIVE ME Michael Rad and fellow bloggers. While I look forward to reading all of your posts, this assignment is not on my agenda for today.  As we say sometimes down here in the ‘South’:  “I have bigger and better fish to fry!” J

Invent the Future by Cindy Gallop #Trust30 (day 17)

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

My favorite quote of all time is Alan Kay: ‘In order to predict the future, you have to invent it.’ I am all about inventing the future. Decide what you want the future to be and make it happen. Because you can. Write about your future now.

My Response:

I had a gleam of light which flashed across my mind and I have not dismissed it:  “Why, oh why do we have to decide what we want the future to be, write about it and make it happen?”  What if we are not ready to think about the future?  What if we have only recently arrived in the present?  Should we not sit here, in the present, and just ‘be’ for a while?

Clearly, there is some resistance on my part about this topic.  My future seems so uncertain it is frightening, if not impossible to glean anything from those thoughts.  I feel as if I am in transition--emerging from the past into the present.  The present is so new and exhilarating.  Yet, this prompt wants to move me into the future.  BAH HUMBUG!

So, okay…I give in!!!  I will try to think about what I want for the future.

……MANY HOURS LATER…..

First and foremost, I want my future filled with happiness and contentment; not ALL the time, because life will always bring us trials to keep us on our toes, but for the most part.  I want to be able to help other abuse survivors find these very emotions.  My dream would be to have a large piece of property, somewhere in the mountains and build a safe COMMUNITY, for survivors.  There are so many of us who are lost, with no idea how to pick up our lives and move on; with no skills to reenter the work force; with fear controlling each day.  I envision building duplexes, small but comfortable.  Or maybe it should be more like a retirement community.  I DO NOT KNOW!!  Much help would be needed with planning and executing such a dream. 

But, I have a dream. It may seem to be a basic and a not very descriptive post, but I am not there yet.  SO DO NOT PUSH IT!  J  For me, just to have a dream is the most important thing.  FINALLY, I have a dream!   

“To dream perchance to live.”  (Davidicus Wong:  A Hundred Days to Happiness)

Wholly Strange and New (Day 16) #Trust30 by Bridget Pilloud

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

 

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

  

MY RESPONSE:

This is the moment that has become ‘wholly strange and new’, that I have ‘life in’ myself.  These last few weeks and months, I have begun to remove ‘the mask’ which has hidden my true Self from me and the rest of the world for all my life.  I am afraid of this moment.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming.  There are times when I wonder if I have the inner strength to create my own journey.

I am allowing all of my ‘parts’ to have a voice.  I am releasing them from captivity; from the prison of their childhood.  They, we have been prisoners of pain and abuse.  We have been chained to an ugly past, but it is time to break free.   All of these years I have been walking behind my shadow.  This path was created by those people in my life that inflicted their ugliness and brutality upon my spirit.  It stunted my growth.  I let it.  But, while I take responsibility for allowing it to control my life for so many years, I WILL NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME; IT IS NOT MY SHAME.  My innocence was stolen at a very early age. As a child, I was not allowed to create myself in ways that emanated from my soul.  I was made to be subservient.  It was better to ‘be seen and not heard’, so my voice was quieted.  I lived in silence.

But, this is not my truth any longer.  I have opened my eyes to the deceit I have been living.  I have come to the proverbial fork in the road.  I am choosing to take “the road less travelled”.  While I do not have a clear vision of what my path will be, I know some things it WILL NOT BE. 

I will not accept abuse.

I refuse to accept conformity. 

I will not blend with the masses. 

No longer will anyone create my path for me.

If you cannot be tolerant of others, you will not be on this journey with me.

If you live in anger, then you best learn to express it appropriately.

If you refuse to work on creating your path, you will not be with me.

There is no room for disrespect.

I am unsure of what I want from this journey other than peace of mind and growth toward the Source.  By deciding what I do not want and cannot accept, then I feel sure the rest will follow.

Of one thing I am certain, this path will most likely be built one brick at a time.  I am sure there will be days filled with weariness; I will become tired.  On those days I will rest and find things and people that will rejuvenate my soul.  This will give me the strength to forge onward. 

This is my beginning. 

One Thing #Trust30 (Day 15) by Colin Wright {Half way mark!}

Do your work and I shall know you. Do your work and you shall reinforce yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take a moment, step back from your concerns, and focus on one thing: You have one life to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. Sounds simple, but when you really focus on it, let it seep into your consciousness; you realize you only have about 100 years to get every single thing you’ve ever wanted to do. No second chances. This is your only shot. Suddenly, this means you should have started yesterday. No more waiting for permission or resources to start. Today is the day you make the rest of your life happen. Write down one thing you’ve always wanted to do and how you will achieve that goal. Don’t be afraid to be very specific in how you’ll achieve it: once you start achieving, your goals will get bigger and your capability to meet them will grow.

MY RESPONSE:

“Today is the first day of the rest of my life.”

Today I have to do my work.  Unless I focus on myself in ‘today’, you shall not know me.  I need to focus on some of the lessons I have recently learned so as to reinforce myself.  Today I cannot step back from my concerns to only think about one thing that I have always wanted and how I will achieve that goal.  My mind will not allow my heart, nor will my heart allow my mind to travel down this road today.  They are both shouting at me to work on the present, deal a little more with my past, and participate in the group I belong to and attend every Tuesday.  I need to be with them today, in body, mind and spirit.  I must be ‘other’ focused so I might be open to their needs and more able to hear what I can do to help them today.

A cop out?  It could be, but if it is—SO BE IT!

Alternative Paths (Day 14) #Trust30 by Jonathan Fields

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name; the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The world buzzes about goals and visions. Focus. Create a vivid picture of exactly where you want to go. Dream big, and then don’t let anything or anyone stop you. The problem, as Daniel Gilbert wrote in Stumbling Upon Happiness, is that we’re horrible at forecasting how we’ll really feel 10 or 20 years from now – once we’ve gotten what we dreamed of. Often, we get there only to say, “That’s not what I thought it would be,” and ask, “What now?” Ambition is good. Blind ambition is not. It blocks out not only distraction, but the many opportunities that might take you off course but that may also lead you in a new direction. Consistent daily action is only a virtue when bundled with a willingness to remain open to the unknown. In this exercise, look at your current quest and ask, “What alternative opportunities, interpretations and paths am I not seeing?” They’re always there, but you’ve got to choose to see them.

This is going to be a brutal post for me. 

Over the years, I think I lost the capability to “dream big”.  To be perfectly honest, I lost the ability to dream (period).  Most of my life, since I was very young, I have felt alone, an outcast, lost, and without dreams or goals.  Looking back it seems sad but true, that there was no vision in my mind’s eye.  I took no control of the direction my life went or continued to go.  I left myself at the whims of whatever my family of origin expected of me.  At 17, I forged my driver’s license, ‘ran away’ and married an abusive man.  I was there for about three years.  Then I became a puppet for my current significant other and child.  All of these years it seems EVERYONE ELSE was choosing for me.   I have been asleep at the wheel! (I tend to use this statement quite often!)  Even worse, I never felt ‘life in myself’.  You may not understand this or think I am exaggerating, but I am being totally honest when I say:  I HAVE FELT DEAD INSIDE FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.  Please do not think that I am asking for sympathy.  This is not the purpose of this post. 

Ironically, the best thing that has ever happened to me was when I totally fell apart and was hospitalized for nine months.  This catalyst forcibly put me on a new path, a new journey.  As excruciatingly painful as this has been for over 20 years, nothing in this world could ever make me regret or wish to change anything I have been through. 

“The risk it takes to remain tight inside the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom."  Anais Nin 

I have only recently begun the risk ‘to blossom’.  I would say it has probably been only within the last six months.  So I am absolutely certain that there are many ‘alternative opportunities, interpretations, and paths’ that I have only begun to explore and have not seen yet.  They have always been there.  At last, I have finally chosen to see them.  “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”—Buddhist Proverb.  I never understood this until life presented me with my current ‘teacher’, i.e. therapist.  And bringing this further into awareness, has been the choice I made to take the #Trust30 challenge.  I never knew there were so many people on their own journeys.  Let’s face it, I never knew many things.  But, finally, I am ‘Stumbling Upon’ awareness.  I am awakening my soul.  To all who are becoming parts of this journey, thank you for your support.  To God, Creator, Source, Higher Power and any other name I have omitted, my immense gratitude.  To myself, I say, ‘Ever On’. (a song by Dan Fogelberg)  If you would like to hear this song you can find it HERE.

PEACE.

Surprise: by Ashley Ambirge (Day 13) #trust30

"I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?
(Author: Ashley Ambirge)
 

In April of 2003, I became wheel chair bound due to an attack of Multiple Sclerosis.  At the time, the doctors could not give me a diagnosis.  The diagnosis did not occur until late in the year of 2005.  Because of not being able to find a diagnosis, many of the self-proclaimed gods called neurologists (I hope there are no neurologists reading this!) insisted that it was all in my mind; conversion disorder.  At first, I was infuriated.  But then, I sunk into the depths of despair.  I refused to eat.  I would not get out of bed.  Besides, I could not get out of bed alone, as my left side was almost totally useless.  Luckily, my husband was able to work from home and help take care of me.  This suicidal depression continued for weeks.  I wish I could say that I came out of this ‘Dark Night’ through my own motivation, but such is not the case.  My psychiatrist threatened to commit me!  I was in a wheel chair and handicapped before I had reached the half century mark.  How dare anyone expect me to ‘suck it up’!  Why, the audacity!!  I was on the pity potty!

 

It was at a snail’s pace, but I finally pulled myself up by ‘the boot straps’ and decided I had to continue with my life.  I began my routine of physical therapy three times a week.  That went on for a year.  But, finally I was strong enough for a full leg brace.  Then, I graduated from the wheel chair to a walker.  Physical therapy continued and I continued to improve until I was able to walk with a half leg brace, on my own!

This period of time made me so aware of the injustices that disabled people have to face on a daily basis.  Not enough handicap parking; some of the restrooms marked ‘handicapped’ were NOT true to their name; people acted like the wheel chair was a bother.  I could go on, but I think you can get the picture.  I also began to look at other disabled people and realized that I was NOT that ‘bad off’.  There were many people suffering way more than I.

This period of time was a huge growth spurt for me.  I was truly surprised at how I became so determined to walk again; totally resolved to overcome the limitations that were suddenly thrust upon my body.  If anything, I learned that I did have some inner strength.  Our trials truly make us stronger and more compassionate.

So what will I do to surprise myself this week?  I will continue to search for my true self.  I will continue to strive to not cause ripples in the water.  I will continue my journey to wholeness.  I will be determined and resolved.

Fear: by Lachlan Cotter (Day 12) #trust30

“These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members.” -– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:

Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?

Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?

Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?

Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.

The voices I hear in solitude do disappear as I enter the world.  But, it is not society that conspires against me, it is I.  It is my own fear that paralyzes my freedom; my own apprehensive thoughts that will not let me dare to live my dream; my panicked thoughts of being too weak and insecure keeping me from moving out of my cocoon. 

Is it worth it?  How could not being your true self ever be worth it.  There is nothing more to discuss on that topic.

Will it matter?  Of course it matters.  It matters every moment of every day.  It consumes my very being.  It obsesses every thought.  I will never be happy being this person I am today.   I can only hope and pray that one day I will find the strength to be the real me and not live behind the mask I have been wearing for as long as I can remember.  I can only dream that one day I will set myself free.