“…not the end of the darkness but its hold over those seeking to find a bit of warmth, a bit of light.” (The Accident, by Elie Wiesel)
This is what my abuse did to me. It surrounded me in darkness and took root in my soul. It has left me in the cold…turned my ‘Dawn’ into ‘Night’. I am always just a breath away from warmth. I never quite see the light. Both are elusive and remote. It seems no matter what I try, the warmth of life never embraces me; the light never shines into my life. “Memory is our home.” “…death is not the enemy.” (The Accident, by Elie Wiesel)
I try not to dwell in the past. I try not to think about death. But, I have not found a way to control it. It creeps into my thoughts without my even knowing. One moment I feel almost sane, nearly alive. Then the next, I am in chaos, surrounded by all the misery the past suddenly hurls into the present. I become a stranger to myself.
Maybe I just cannot heal. Maybe I do not have the courage or the strength to lift myself up from the abyss. These are hopeless thoughts. I struggle with hopelessness, despair, loneliness, depression and suicidal ideation. I long to go ‘home’, because I do not view death as the enemy but as the end—not the end of life, but the end of suffering. Because, honestly, is not that the truth? Does not death, hopefully, take us to where we began; to our real home with the Creator? I do not blame God (or whatever name you choose) for what has happened. I blame humankind for choosing to do evil. Every day we make choices that affect each of us. The results initiating ripples that radiate outward to the other people in our lives, moving beyond them to the people in their lives and on and on. We are all connected. We are one. Any kind of abuse does just this…it is passed on from generation to generation. The difference is that abuse does not make ripples. Abuse makes the seas angry and the ripples turn into giant swells sinking any ship in their path. The ramifications are carried on through the years until WE make it stop.
Do you understand that humans have not learned yet? Every moment in every day, some form of abuse is being initiated. Whether it is sexual abuse, genocide, emotional, physical…when is it going to stop? When are we going to learn? How many people and children have to die, not only physically but emotionally, before we stop all this evilness?
My guess is not until the world ends.
The butterfly is the symbol used to represent the children who perished in the Holocaust. The use of the butterfly originates from this poem by Pavel Friedman (January 7, 1921 – September 29, 1944).
The last, the very last,
So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.
Perhaps if the sun's tears would sing
against a white stone. . . .
Such, such a yellow
Is carried lightly 'way up high.
It went away I'm sure because it wished to
kiss the world good-bye.
For seven weeks I've lived in here,
Penned up inside this ghetto.
But I have found what I love here.
The dandelions call to me
And the white chestnut branches in the court.
Only I never saw another butterfly.
That butterfly was the last one.
Butterflies don't live in here,
in the ghetto.
Please remember that these are my thoughts and opinions. You do not have permission to copy or use them in any way.