I feel like I am going to explode into millions of pieces. My T is out of town on a trip until Sunday and I am feeling scared and alone. Can it be that I have begun to connect with her without even realizing it? This is what I cannot stand…to need someone, to depend on someone, to want to see them and talk to them ALL the time…or at least more often than I am able. It becomes an obsession. It is all I can think about, my mind will not shut up. She said I could text her, but I just cannot let myself do it. I need to respect her personal time. I don’t want to intrude.
Why does all this have to hurt so much? Why do I continually feel tormented by the past? The last time I saw T, she asked me if she could sit next to me. I agreed. It was safe. I felt safe. While I was with her, I believed she cared and truly understood the pain and the confusion. But, it was short lived. When we are apart, I cannot remember that feeling. With my previous T, I could remember it. I felt that he was with me even though we were miles apart. I could remember his face and the sound of his voice. That is not happening with my new T. I cannot picture her face or remember the sound of her voice. I guess that will take time. But, what do I do in the mean time? How do I keep surviving? I feel the urge to drink, to cut, to take more pills than I should…I NEED TO BE NUMB. I feel myself drifting away…I am not sure where I am…am I here?? I think the past is intruding once again and everything is getting blurred.