NO MORE PAIN…PLEASE

I feel like I am going to explode into millions of pieces.  My T is out of town on a trip until Sunday and I am feeling scared and alone.  Can it be that I have begun to connect with her without even realizing it?  This is what I cannot stand…to need someone, to depend on someone, to want to see them and talk to them ALL the time…or at least more often than I am able.  It becomes an obsession.  It is all I can think about, my mind will not shut up.  She said I could text her, but I just cannot let myself do it.  I need to respect her personal time.  I don’t want to intrude. 

Why does all this have to hurt so much?  Why do I continually feel tormented by the past?  The last time I saw T, she asked me if she could sit next to me.  I agreed.  It was safe.  I felt safe.  While I was with her, I believed she cared and truly understood the pain and the confusion.  But, it was short lived.  When we are apart, I cannot remember that feeling.  With my previous T, I could remember it.  I felt that he was with me even though we were miles apart.  I could remember his face and the sound of his voice.  That is not happening with my new T.  I cannot picture her face or remember the sound of her voice.  I guess that will take time.  But, what do I do in the mean time?  How do I keep surviving?  I feel the urge to drink, to cut, to take more pills than I should…I NEED TO BE NUMB.  I feel myself drifting away…I am not sure where I am…am I here??  I think the past is intruding once again and everything is getting blurred.



NOTHING...