It is only a matter of time…
You tell me you know how vulnerable I am and how careful you need to be with my heart. I want to believe you in the worst way. I am so tired of trying to survive all of this alone. I do not know how much longer I can do it. But, after what happened with the last therapist, how can I let myself feel close to you.
I feel as if he ripped out my insides and left me lying on the floor to die. He pretended to try to repair the relationship, but it was nothing more than a sham. It was to protect him…his wife was so afraid that I might turn him in to the board, that I might cause a problem in his practice, because she said he was crossing boundaries. Oh, fuck. What a ludicrous thought. She is the one that had the problem. She is the one that was insecure in her marriage. I was not a real threat to her. I would have NEVER slept with him. This is all her fault, but not according to him…we can’t blame her. It was his choice to change the relationship, to change my therapy, to change the way we interacted. WHAT A BUNCH OF PSYCHO BABBLE. I WOULD NEVER do anything to hurt the very person, the ONLY person that had ever reached me, reached my parts. WELL, we wouldn’t…none of us…absolutely none of us would ever hurt him in any way. What is so sad is that HE KNOWS THIS TO BE TRUE. But, he was put in the position, by her, of making a choice that he should have never had to make. Even now, with all the pain I am in because of his abandonment that is the last thing on my mind. All I can think about is protecting me. All I can think about is not getting attached to anyone ever, ever, ever again. NEVER. HEAR MY WORDS, NEVER.
But what will happen to us if I do not let her in, if I do not take another chance. I WILL NOT MAKE IT. I WILL NOT SURVIVE. I am not a quitter. I have been at this for so many years. I cannot let his flaws, his insecurities, his unwillingness to stand up for what was right and helpful in our therapy destroy everything I have worked so hard for, for so many years. But, yet I can’t let her in. This is so wrong. I should never have been put in this predicament. But here it is…right here in my face…in my heart.
She said she understood. She said she knew that she had to hold my heart in her hand, like a broken bird. And all I could do was sit there and cry and cry and cry some more. All I really want right now is my mommy. That’s it. THAT IS MY FINAL ANSWER.
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| I NEED TO BE NUMB...NOW. |
Hope you can start to feel that close connection to the new T. Trust is difficult when you've been hurt in the past. take care
ReplyDeleteEllen, thank you for your comment. You are so right...trust is very hard. I want to feel the connection with the new T...maybe that is the first step.
ReplyDeleteI feel you....trust is the hardest thing ever ever..i hat it.. I hate takin the risk again..I keep askin her to promise over and over again that she won't leave.. i ask her to promise even if the therapy ends that she'll still be there.. I will keep asking.. cause still will always fear being abandoned and hurt again..seems to keep happening... I feel you....here's m hand to hold on to... take the risk with me......I'm here...As always....XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteBongo...you are so right...I hate the thought of trusting anyone again. It scares me a lot and I just want to run as far away as possible. FEAR of being abandoned is the worst...But, yes you are right we need to take the risk...with you too...even if I do not comment on your blog often...I have this annoying problem of being sidetracked!! Take care!
ReplyDeleteI dont trust therapists, been done in too many times. Safeline taught me never to trust any of them, I have written abaout what they did on my blog, and they went beserk, didnt see much of their compassion for abuse surviovors after I questioned them about their links to the Freemasons of Warwick! You keep going lass, dont you ever let yourself be pushed over the edge.
ReplyDeleteI have been so low, like you, so numb, but I am in an angry mood now, I bloody hate paedophiles and even if I had nothing left to liove for I would have the thirst to smash up every paedoring I can find and put a big spanner in the works of all the scum who persecute abuse survivors.
You keep your chin up, and keep going somehow. Love and prayers for you love Zoompad xxxx
ps the paedoscum have hacked my Google account, thats why I have to use the anonymous button, they hate me so much, they persecuted me to hell and back, but I wont go down hahaha!