It is only a matter of time…
You tell me you know how vulnerable I am and how careful you need to be with my heart. I want to believe you in the worst way. I am so tired of trying to survive all of this alone. I do not know how much longer I can do it. But, after what happened with the last therapist, how can I let myself feel close to you.
I feel as if he ripped out my insides and left me lying on the floor to die. He pretended to try to repair the relationship, but it was nothing more than a sham. It was to protect him…his wife was so afraid that I might turn him in to the board, that I might cause a problem in his practice, because she said he was crossing boundaries. Oh, fuck. What a ludicrous thought. She is the one that had the problem. She is the one that was insecure in her marriage. I was not a real threat to her. I would have NEVER slept with him. This is all her fault, but not according to him…we can’t blame her. It was his choice to change the relationship, to change my therapy, to change the way we interacted. WHAT A BUNCH OF PSYCHO BABBLE. I WOULD NEVER do anything to hurt the very person, the ONLY person that had ever reached me, reached my parts. WELL, we wouldn’t…none of us…absolutely none of us would ever hurt him in any way. What is so sad is that HE KNOWS THIS TO BE TRUE. But, he was put in the position, by her, of making a choice that he should have never had to make. Even now, with all the pain I am in because of his abandonment that is the last thing on my mind. All I can think about is protecting me. All I can think about is not getting attached to anyone ever, ever, ever again. NEVER. HEAR MY WORDS, NEVER.
But what will happen to us if I do not let her in, if I do not take another chance. I WILL NOT MAKE IT. I WILL NOT SURVIVE. I am not a quitter. I have been at this for so many years. I cannot let his flaws, his insecurities, his unwillingness to stand up for what was right and helpful in our therapy destroy everything I have worked so hard for, for so many years. But, yet I can’t let her in. This is so wrong. I should never have been put in this predicament. But here it is…right here in my face…in my heart.She said she understood. She said she knew that she had to hold my heart in her hand, like a broken bird. And all I could do was sit there and cry and cry and cry some more. All I really want right now is my mommy. That’s it. THAT IS MY FINAL ANSWER.
|I NEED TO BE NUMB...NOW.|