Where did the time go?
I did not realize how long it has been since I posted anything. It has been a rough week. Group was a disaster. I had to run out of the room. Then, my T had to come coax me out of the bathroom, because I had locked myself in there and would not open the door. I was in pain, mentally and physically. She calls it a body memory. I call it body misery.
I am going through a bout with insomnia, which only makes things harder and more stressful. I am feeling paranoid and not wanting to leave the house. Then, I start feeling trapped. Why do I do this to myself? Nothing will happen to me if I walk to the mailbox. Nothing will happen to me if I go sit outside. But, the heat really makes me feel ill, so that is a deterrent to going outside.
My body has been in hyper sensitive mode. For about three days, I felt like there was an electrical current cursing through my veins. I was fighting off memories. But, they came anyway. Still, that fight or flight response takes over and I feel out of control.
My T offered to see me after group, so I took her up on the offer. It did help. So, I saw her three times this past week…once in group, twice in my individual session. I felt better after I saw her Wednesday. I am trying hard to trust her. She has a lot of knowledge about so many things. I want to learn from her. I am just so afraid to connect to anyone. But, I think it is happening in spite of the fear. Of course, that could change within the hour!! I need to give it time. After being with my other T for twenty years, and being hurt the way I was, it will take a while. But, what is time? Time is all I have left. This is just another learning lesson for us. Trust. Trust. Trust. Time. Time. Time. T. T. T. ALL THESE ‘T’ WORDS ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE. Oh, I forgot, I am already insane. At least that is how it feels at times.
Anyway, I have missed by blogger ‘friends’ and I will have to catch up on how everyone is doing. I hope you are all okay and have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.
What you describe is unfortunately very typical in the healing process. Am so sorry about your first t. It does sound like your current t is very compassionate and knowledgeable. I so identify with holocaust victims as well but understand exactly why now. I hope that is not your case. Wishing you continued healing and faith in your t to help you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. It helps to know it is 'typical'. My current T seems to be very knowledgeable in so many things...more so than my previous one.
ReplyDeleteI am wishing the same for you. Take care!
I think many of us have been there. I have been through that phase more than once. The blogging world will always be here when you need us.
ReplyDeletesh*t man, being with a T for 20 years and then being hurt.... you must be so hurt... and so brave to start again.... i take my hat off to you even though I know there are parts that are devastated.
ReplyDeleteOh therapy... such a painful, painful thing...
Ohhhhhhh what a horrible experience....the body memories suck.. I've been fighting them frequently these last months so I GET IT.....I'm glad you are starting to trust your new T ..it's hard and it's scary....I hate it all too.. I feel so connected to you.. and my hand is here for you...As always...XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to catch up with everyone after my own difficult week. I'm sorry you had this experience in group, but in a way it does show you it's okay to be who you are there, even when it hits the fan, as they say. I'm very glad you are giving the t a chance. Life wouldn't be worth much if we never let anyone in. It might seem safer, in a way, but what would the point be? Nothing to protect if we have to be alone all the time.
ReplyDeletetake care and thanks for checking in on me and the kind and insightful words.