A SLIGHTLY HUGE DETOUR ON MY JOURNEY TO WHOLENESS

Microsoft Clip Art


It has been a week riddled with setbacks.  I am no longer surprised by this--it is to be expected on any journey.  There will always be bumps and potholes in the road. 

 

But this pothole was a huge one.  Let me just say that the pain sent me into a nose dive into the depths of the ocean, where there is no Light.  I lost touch with my Self and my creative side.  I lost touch PERIOD. 

 

It is not easy to admit certain things, especially failures and mistakes.  However, the admission of any mistake you might think you have made or of any perceived failure has the possibility of changing the way you view it. Sometimes, you will learn it is not always YOUR failure or mistake.  But, without bringing it into the spot light of admission, examining it under this illumination, either alone or with help, you might live with it in the shadows…and all for naught. 

 

This was the case for me this week.  I continue to learn that my first reaction to a problem seems to be self-blame.  Even though a little voice in the back of my mind, MY ANKH (intuition) whispers and then finally shouts, “THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  THIS IS THEIR HUGE FIERY BALL OF ENERGY BEING THROWN AT YOU.  YOUR REFUSAL TO NOT SOAK IT IN LIKE THE SPONGE YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE PAST IS CAUSING IT TO BE BOUNCED BACK ON TO THEM.  Of course, they are going to lash out in anger, because they want you to absorb all their negativity, so they can continue to not accept responsibility for their own choices.”

 

I had help from my teacher today and finally reached this conclusion.  She helped me understand that the people doing this to me are NOT FROM THE PAST, so it is different.  But, what happens is the ENERGY feels the same as it did in the past and it takes me back; it drags me down to the bottom of that deep dark well.  It triggers some of the same helplessness and hopelessness that I felt when I was living in the chaos of my childhood. But I am not a child any longer, although at times it still feels that way.   I have control now.  I do not have to give up control any longer.  I do not have to sacrifice my ‘self’ to anyone for any reason.  I can be ‘self’-ish.  I have a right to protect my ‘self’. 

 

We all make mistakes and have failures.  But, they are NOT always our fault.  Whenever two people are involved there is a dynamic going on between them.  An energy, if you will, comprised of all that has happened before in the relationship.  There is no blame, no shame; only the choices each individual makes for themselves. 

 

I am learning.  She is teaching.  I trust her wisdom and will absorb the lessons she has to share learned from her own wounded-ness, her own journey—but, only the ones that feel right to me.  She would not have it any other way.

 

I have been blessed.  I am grateful to God, the Creator, my Higher Power, my Source, my Beginning for the chances that have been presented to me to heal my past after so many years.

 

I feel stronger today.  I am a survivor who is learning to thrive.  I hope someone will be helped by the lessons I am learning on the journey I am taking.

 

Peace.

Nico

JUST A QUOTE...

"I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn."
~Khalil Gibran



ON BEING ALONE

Photo Copyright:  Oleg Korolev, "Prodigal Son"

"When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death -- ourselves."~~Eda LeShan

Until recently, being alone was very difficult.  I hated it.  I did not know what to do with ‘being alone’.  For a long time, I would desperately try to escape the FEELING.

I am sure many of you know how to escape…eating, drinking, television, music, reading fiction, drugs…the ways are almost endless. Did it help?  To be brutally honest, NO IT DID NOT HELP.  In fact, it made it worse.  At the time, I did not realize how much worse trying to escape made FEELING alone.  ‘Escaping’ is not the answer.  Sitting with your fears and learning to understanding what is behind them is the answer.  Just remember not to “dwell”.  That is when you become addicted.

There is a huge difference between FEELING and BEING.  This is true for all of our emotions.  I ‘feel’ depressed—I ‘am’ depressed; I ‘feel’ sad—I ‘am’ sad;  I ‘feel’ alone—I ‘am’ alone.  I could go on, but I think you see where I am headed.  YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS, so please try not to identify them as you.

Life is one big rollercoaster.  It has its ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns.  You can be moving smoothly on one path today, and tomorrow be on a path filled with potholes and speed bumps. 

Finding your inner Self, your inner guide, your inner strength is the way to ‘Being’ in this world.  It can be a painful journey, but in the end you will overcome ‘feeling’ and learn to ‘Be’.  Your feelings will no longer define who you are and how you live.  They will no longer control you.  You will be set free from your past. 

You will return to your ‘Self’.  When you live in, through and with your ‘Self’, you will never be alone.

This has been my experience.  I hope it will be yours.

Peace.

Nico



LOST IN THE FIRE

Lost in the Fire

6/16/1995

Poems from the Past

 

The hours pass so slowly.

Days turn into fearful nights.

Cowering in the shadows,

Walls of darkness constrain me.

The struggle to live is never-ending.

So many memories;

Pain and anger lurk just beyond my conscious thoughts,

Always there waiting to claim me.

As I try to impugn the sordid truth,

There is no escaping the scenes—they are impending.

At night, they come slithering

Into the desert of my mind,

Poisoning my sleep with their venom;

Plunging me into the depths of hell,

Impossible to deny the messages they are sending.

Lost in the fire each second is an eternity.

The hope of being delivered from the flames

Is crushed, as I am cast deeper into darkness

From memories I long desperately to make untrue.

Each day is spent isolated and wretchedly pretending.

Weary and full of dread,

Slowly life drains from my being.

The truth becomes a distant dream

As I succumb into the darkness.

With shallow regret, I feel my self descending…

Into the fires of tempering.

Let YOUR Truth Set You Free...

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Maya Angelou



To heal, to set yourself free, you must speak your truth. Do not hide your story. Do not let shame keep you a prisoner. Never fear the truth no matter how sad or painful it may be...it is the truth that will set you free. It is bringing the truth into the light, out of the darkness, that will help you heal. This has been my experience. I hope it will help others.


Peace,
Nico

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

LET THE TREE OF LIFE GROW

William James:

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

For so many years, life has been a very scary thing for me.  My motto used to be “Life is worth LEAVING”.  It has only been recently that I have felt life is worth LIVING.  I could not find anything to fill the emptiness, the void I felt inside.  I kept searching for others, for things, to stop the pain for me.  It does not work. 

 

The only thing that has helped me has been to look deep inside; to face the pain, fear, and abandonment I have felt since as far back as I can remember; to bring all of my emotions into conscious awareness.    I HAD TO FEEL IN THE PRESENT. 

 

Since I was never allowed to do this freely as a child, I had to learn to do it as an adult.  I had to learn to try to stay present in the pain and not dissociate.  To do this I had to learn to feel the emotions and not just the physical pain.  My abuse left me numb.  When I first started therapy, I could not name the emotions I felt.  Other parts of me carried the anger, the pain, the fear and all my emotions.  Everything was compartmentalized into “neat” little parts…I use the term ‘neat’ loosely, as there was nothing neat about any of it.

This is not an easy process.  I think unless you have been abused in some way or have experienced some sort of trauma, you cannot understand just how hard and painful this lesson is to learn.  You just want someone to help you, to stop the pain; to stop the longing for a loving mother.  I used to beg my therapist to “Please MAKE IT STOP”.  But, all he could do was sit with me through the pain, help me to breathe; help me to come back to the present. 

 

He could not take it away; cutting could not take it away; alcohol could not take it away; drugs could not take it away.   I thought for years I could not live through any more pain.  When in reality, all this pain has made me stronger.  It has made me a more understanding, empathic person.  I would not change it now, even if it were possible.

What I would like you to take from this is that it is never too late to heal.  Please do not give up.  Just, when you think the darkness is going to consume you, a ray of light will show up.  Even if in the beginning it is dim, know that it grows brighter every day you keep surviving. 

Believe in yourself.  Never give up.  Survivors are strong people.  Soon you will THRIVE.

Peace,

Nico





Choose Your Own Path: DO NOT LET THE ABUSERS WIN

FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST

Victor Frankl

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

I realize many of you may not even want to read the last sentence, much less give it serious thought.  I have been there too; in that place of darkness where you feel that you have no control over anything; that there is no choice; that your life is out of control and it is 'running' you, not the other way around; that the pain and anguish of the past will never set you free...will never let you 'BE'.  It haunts your every waking thought.  While I have times of clarity, I still sink into this mode of thinking.

But, we do have a choice.  We cannot let abuse/abusers win.  We cannot give them our power.  We cannot sacrifice for them anymore.  Take back the control they stole from you. Take back your innocence.  Take back your soul.   Fight for your freedom from the past.  Be not afraid to go forward; fear can be crippling.  Choose to become the person you were meant to be.  It might be painful and hard work to learn who this 'person' is...but I am here to remind you, IT IS WORTH EVERY MINUTE!

Peace,

Nico



Change Your Thinking by Maryellen Smith #Trust30 (Post 45)

“If you can’t change your fate, change your attitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

At any given point in time, you’re only one thought away from changing your thinking. What thought can you change today?

(Author: Maryellen Smith)

Why is it that when I ‘Google’ this quote, it is attributed to “Amy Tan”?

Fate…what exactly is your definition of fate? 

What definition did Mr. Emerson or Amy Tan have in mind when ‘they’ wrote these words?  Do you believe it is some named or unnamed “force predetermining events” (Encarta Dictionary: English).  Like with all things that are not actually a science, but instead a faith, a belief, a truth, an educated guess, there are many ways to view this concept of fate.  I deeply respect all views and by writing my beliefs, in no way am I trying to negate yours.

Ultimately, we all have the same fate.  We all die.  Our time on this earth is limited and what happens to us after is truly a mystery.  Please do not misunderstand the point I am trying to make…I believe in something more, something Higher. But in my humanness, I feel that I cannot define it.

However, I will start with this quote:

“Fate makes our relatives, choice makes our friends.”

(Jacques Delille) 

While we may have been fated to be born into this world, what we do while we are alive is our choice.  No, we do not have much control over what happens to us.  But we do have total control over our attitude, how we react, and how we live this life we were ‘given’.

Why should we so carelessly attribute what happens to us as human beings…to our lives, to the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat to fate.  Are we afraid to accept responsibility?  Are we too lazy to ‘do the work’?  Are we not willing to take control of our ‘fate’?

These are the questions I have lived for many years now.  I wanted to blame my past, my abusers, my choice-less choices for the path I was on…if I took responsibility for my pain, my depression, my anger, my fear, my lack of faith, what exactly would that mean.  If I was responsible and did not like what was happening…

I WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE!  I would have to choose another path.

Who in their right mind would want to descend into the unknown? 

What I did not realize was that I was already traveling in the ‘unknown’.  I was living in the illusion of familiarity, when in reality, every moment and every breath is always unfamiliar, unknown.  But, it was not until I lost the illusion, until I consciously descended into the ‘unknown’ that I started to become an individual.  I was finally born out of the fate that was originally given to me.  It was in this darkness that I became aware of my true Self.  It was here, from the bottom of a deep well that I started to rise up, to choose, to create, to LIVE. 

It is not a perfect world.  Sometimes, I still fall into darkness.  But, with the thought of my new awareness so illuminating, I am not as fearful as I was before to continue my creation; to continue on my life-long journey to the Self.

This is the fate I choose.

Not this:

Peace, Nico

Original Thought by Michael Brajkovich #Trust30 (post 44)

“The arts and inventions of each period are only its costume, and do not invigorate men.”

Think of the last time that you thought, said, or did something that was original. What inspired or invigorated this?

(Author: Michael Brajkovich)

I am doing something original at this very moment.  What is inspiring it…not feeling invigorated!

I am too tired to write. I have been with my husband at the surgery center since 6:30 am.  Everything is fine.  This must be his 20^th surgery in the over 30 years we have been married.  Munchausen!! No...just kidding!

I hate hospitals.  I do not like doctors.  Now there is an original thought!!!

Ordinary Things by Ana Guardia #Trust30 (Post 43)

“Every artist was first an amateur.”

To be an artist one has to find beauty in ordinary things. Find 10 things of great beauty in the landscape that surrounds you. For example, crumple sheets on your bed in the morning, the smell of coffee making its way around a busy office.
(Author: Ana Guardia)

Ah, but here is the catch…what is ordinary about beauty?
1.      I love the sound of the chimes that are hanging from my ceiling fan.
2.      I love the touch of the keyboard as I type every word.
3.      I love the smell of my Scentsy burner.
4.      I love the sight of the trees as I gaze out the window.
5.      I love the taste of the hot coffee I sip.
6.      I love the sound coming from my iPod.
7.      I love the touch of the breeze gently caressing my face from the fan.
8.      I love the smell of my dog when she wakes up and asks to be let out.
9.      I love the sight of the shadows on the wall.
10.  I love the taste of my breakfast.

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.”~~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”~~Kahlil Gibran

For me beauty comes from all the senses.  If you are aware, if your heart is open, you can find beauty in almost anything.  Oddly enough, I was sitting in a lobby and noticed a very small spider crawling around on the table.  As I observed its behavior, I was amazed.  It would crawl around for a while and then suddenly stop, raise its ‘head’ like it was looking around—checking out its surroundings, then move on.

It looked similar to this picture:

Copyright:  S. Karthikeyan

Move, observe, and then move on; unafraid of the path before you, knowing full well you can jump over any obstacle or weave a web and catch your negative thoughts before they become your reality.

Peace.

Deep in Your Soul by Michael McFadden #Trust30 (Post 42)

“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

What message is yearning inside you? What is something you know deep in your soul? Don’t look for someone else to describe it. You do it. Write it down. Write it as a poem, a sentence or even just a string of words. Just make sure you get it to paper.

(Author: Michael McFadden)

“Tell me what you know…”

When I think of the universe, all of its wonderment, all of its beauty, all of its pain and struggles, I know nothing.  I am unequal to this task of knowing.   “In the beginning”…what, when, how?  What was before the beginning?  Is the answer simply God, Yahweh, Creator, Source, Higher Power or whatever word I have forgotten?  Who or what else is out there to which we have not connected?  My knowledge, the world’s knowledge is ineffective, inadequate.  We live in a state of blind faith, blind chance.  Truthfully, I believe we are basically “all unknowing”; “all un-powerful”.

We have evolved over time and hopefully we will continue to evolve for the better.  Change is all around us.  Change is the only constant (Heraclitus).  We are in flux.  We flow, always forward, whether we choose it or not. 

So what exactly do I know?

Every day we all create…

consciously or unconsciously,

good or evil,

love or hatred,

kindness or cruelty 

acceptance or rejection

encounters or avoidance

happiness or suffering

peace or war…

This is our humanness.  The choice is ours.  What will I choose today?  What will you choose today?

I want to live today in a conscious state; to do good for someone because of my love for life; to be kind so as to promote acceptance; to create encounters which lead to happiness; and to feel inner peace.

Nico

Legacy by Tim Belber #Trust30 (Post 41) STOP CHILD ABUSE

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

One definition of legacy is what someone feels, thinks and says when they hear your name. What are you doing today to build the legacy you want?

(Author: Tim Belber)

While it may be the ‘greatest accomplishment’ to be myself ‘in a world that is constantly trying to make’ me something else…it does not always feel so great!!  Also, by all means, I am not saying that I am always being ‘myself’.  There are many times when I still live behind my mask.  Sadly, until recently, I never could discern the difference between the two.  I was not in touch, nor aware of the difference between the many masks I wear and the ‘real’ me.  I still have amnesia when some of my 'masks' are living this life.  Now that dear readers is living in a dissociated state.  I have many ‘states’ (not united!) that deal with day to day living.  For me to give my parts the name ‘masks’ seems a little harsh.  They have their own names.  But if I am honest, they are masks, albeit, protective masks.

 It has been my experience that many people do not understand or believe in the diagnosis Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Honestly, what you believe is irrelevant to me.  I am not here to debate the topic.  But, I am here to tell you it is alive and well, right here in “River City” (from the movie The Music Man).  It is a survival technique.  As I MIGHT have mentioned before—surviving is not thriving.  While D.I.D. kept me ‘sane’ throughout my childhood, the chaos and suffering it caused as an adult seemed like INSANITY.  However, several doctors have reassured me, much to my dismay that I am NOT insane.  There have been many times when I felt it would be preferable to be psychotic and crazy.  Crazy would be easier to accept and understand.  I am not one to write down and share publicly the gory details of my abuse.  I do not like the sensationalism of abuse.  In my opinion, it is distasteful and tarnishes the sacredness of the subject.  I find it very ironical that something so pernicious, caused by pure EVIL can be held sacred.  But the topic of child abuse is and should be held in sacrosanctity.

Today, this is what I am doing for my legacy.  I am shouting to anyone that will listen to my screams to STOP CHILD ABUSE.  I am trying to bring awareness to the subject.  People, please listen to me.  It really occurs to more children than which you are aware.  It is not some imaginary occurrence.  It does not just happen every once in a while.  If you suspect abuse you need to observe and determine if you need to report it.  Children are precious.  They are our future.  We need to protect them and teach them self-respect, values, kindness, and caring.  WE NEED TO LOVE THEM WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS. 

My legacy : 

CHILDREN ARE THE MIRACLES OF LIFE AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. 

I WILL REPEAT THIS MESSAGE UNTIL THE DAY I TAKE MY LAST BREATH:

STOP CHILD ABUSE.

CHILD ABUSE MURDERS THE SOUL.

Mirror, Mirror by Esther Poyer #Trust30 (Post 40)

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

(Author: Esther Poyer)

Lies can be beautiful, but only when you live behind the mask.  Lies are only beautiful to the false self.  To live and believe your lies is to deny your Self.  By denying your Self, you reject the world and all its opportunities for connection, for peace, for Life.   You reject yourself.   It is my beliefs by doing this you become hardened.  Your life is lived in fear, anger, and disconnection to the Creator, to the Self.  You become empty--VOID.

I know this…I really KNOW this because I lived like this for years.  I lived behind the appearance that everything was wonderful.  Everything bad was good.   I was BAD.  This is what being abused as a child can do to you.  The only good I was taught as a child came from my years in Catholic school.  Even those lessons were tainted with humiliation and self-degradation.  I do not blame the nuns.  It was ‘the way’ of life during my childhood years.  I learned to more fully understand when I read the book by Alice Miller, “For Your Own Good”.  One must be courageous to come out of a life of ‘lies’.  “If we are courageous enough to face the truth, the world will change, for the power of that “poisonous pedagogy’ which has dominated us for so long has been dependent upon our fear, our confusion and our childish credulity; once it is exposed to the light of truth, it will inevitably disappear.” (Alice Miller, November 1982)

 

What I see in the mirror today is not necessarily what I will see in the mirror tomorrow.   This is my hope.  I want to be a new and better creation each and every day. 

Today, I see bloodshot eyes staring back at me in questioning.  Why she asks?  When she asks?  I can tell she is getting older, thinking she is running out of time, wasting every precious moment in her hesitation; lost in the transition of her onward journey.  There is a desperation hidden behind her smile.  As I look deeper into her eyes, her old companion fear is still lurking within.  She wonders if she will ever truly be able to live life unafraid.  She longs for her daughter to return the love she wants to so freely give.  She hungers for forgiveness from whatever ‘sins’ she may have committed.  In that final minute, that one last gaze, she asks to be set free.

Where to go from here…

After Friday’s post, I suppose I just needed a break from writing, thinking, soul-searching, etc.  It was a very painful post and I was not certain I should press that infamous ‘Publish’ button.  I did a lot of dwelling before I posted it!  Finally, I decided I had ‘nothing to lose’ by posting it.  My husband does not know about this blog, so chances of him reading it are two:  Slim to none, and Slim just took a hike!!

I have to admit, it was liberating to write what I have wanted to say for so many years.  Even if I never take it any farther than this blog, I feel more empowered by the words I finally let out of my soul. 

I write to get clarity; to release whatever emotion that feels bottled up inside and suffocating my soul.  Today that emotion is darkness, even when I look out the window and see the sun shining and the leaves dancing in the wind.  What draws my attention more are the shadows.  The shadows cast by the leaves and the trees.  I see the brightness all around them, but I am mesmerized by the dark, still shadows.

As I sit here, I think about the last month or so focusing on the #Trust30 Challenge.  It was nothing like I have ever experienced before, and I think that might be some of why I feel so blue. I did not think that Friday’s post would be the last post and I would have MUCH rather ended on a more positive note!   But, it is okay to feel sad.  One of the many lessons I have learned over the years is, that for me, it is better to let my emotions out rather than try to repress them or deny them.  They are part of who I am as a whole.  To deny any of them is to deny a part of myself.  I refuse to deny myself any longer—even the ‘shadow’ parts.  ‘I’ was denied over and over as a child; then the denial continued into my early thirty’s.  If I am to be totally honest, the denial continued until recently.  It was not as severe, but it was still there.  All it did was keep my true self buried.  Not a very productive way to live one’s life…I do not recommend it.

Another reason is my teacher is leaving for over two weeks.  This always seems to cause some fear, if not in me, then is some of the other parts of myself.

So anyway, I know this will pass.  I have a lot of positive things going on in my life.  My most recent blessing has been the new, wise, friends I have made during this challenge; I still have my previous friends whom I love dearly; I have my fairly new teacher, whose knowledge has become an indispensable part of my recovery; and I also have the weekly group I attend.

Also, I am creating.  I am transforming one of the rooms in our house into ‘my’ room.  A place where I can just be whomever I need to be and do whatever I need to do for my continued growth. This was a suggestion from my teacher.  It is exciting for me.  I will have a place to draw again!  Not that I am a great artist, but it is another release.  So, once it is completed, maybe I will take some pictures for all of you!

I am still travelling Ever On!

Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford and Sons

PEACE!

Nothing to Lose by Tanner Christensen #Trust30 (Day 39)

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, our inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

(Author: Tanner Christensen)

Dear Husband:

My heart is heavy.  We have been together for many years, yet I still do not KNOW you.  You hide from me as well as yourself, and because of this I choose to hide from you.  We both live behind our masks.  I hope you will understand that this letter is about ME, not you.  You are a smart, witty person but at the same time you live in anger, shame and fear.  I am not judging you.  I know on some level you realize this.  In all the years we have been together, you were honest with me ONE time about yourself.

Over the years, we have been through many painful times together with our families and our daughter.  We survived my time in the wheel chair and the changes I had to make because of my physical challenges.  We survived the many surgeries you had to endure.  Our marriage survived all the physical contests life gave us.

 

But what we are not surviving, what we are drowning in is the abandonment of each other, our higher Selves, and our marriage; this stagnation is the state in which we live.  We are BOTH living a lie.  We are not thriving emotionally.  We are living in an ego-state which is suffocating any kind of growth toward a higher Self. 

 

I am having a problem with continuing on this path we have both chosen.  My soul is suffocating.  It is longing to be free.  Do you not feel the same?  Can you be courageous enough to be honest in your answer?  I have blamed myself all these years for your unhappiness.  I know it has been difficult to be with me while I have tried to overcome my past and all it entails.  But, I cannot continue to accept responsibility for your pain and misery.  We both have choices.  You chose to not go forward in your growth; you chose not to continue therapy.  By doing this you closed the option for us to get help through marriage counseling.  And here we are today, living in the same lie, the same unhappiness.

 

I am not saying I want to divorce you.  We took vows together for life and I treasure those vows.   I care for you.  But you have to set me free.  You have to let me become the person I am meant to be.  I cannot continue to be your prisoner.  I can already sense your insecurity in my growth.  I just can no longer let you control who I am, who my soul longs to be.   I have been dying inside for too long.  I am starting to feel alive.  Please, I beg of you, come on this journey with me.  We can both feel alive to the world and to each other.  If we do not do this together, then the future between us is slowly dying away and will wither like a flower dying of thirst. 

 

This letter is not meant to cause you any additional pain.  I am writing this to try to save the ‘us’; to save our marriage.  I feel it would be a tragedy to not try one more time.  What do we have to lose? 

 

I will be leaving for a while.  It is my belief that we both need time and space to think about the next part of our journey and whether it will be together or separate.  This does not mean that I do not want contact with you.  I just need for it to be limited.  We need to find ourselves before we can be together again.  I am sorry if this causes you pain.  I feel the pain also.  But, the pain will cause the growth we both need to survive—whatever that might look like in the future. 

 

I love you.

Nico