Nothing to Lose by Tanner Christensen #Trust30 (Day 39)

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, our inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

(Author: Tanner Christensen)

Dear Husband:

My heart is heavy.  We have been together for many years, yet I still do not KNOW you.  You hide from me as well as yourself, and because of this I choose to hide from you.  We both live behind our masks.  I hope you will understand that this letter is about ME, not you.  You are a smart, witty person but at the same time you live in anger, shame and fear.  I am not judging you.  I know on some level you realize this.  In all the years we have been together, you were honest with me ONE time about yourself.

Over the years, we have been through many painful times together with our families and our daughter.  We survived my time in the wheel chair and the changes I had to make because of my physical challenges.  We survived the many surgeries you had to endure.  Our marriage survived all the physical contests life gave us.

 

But what we are not surviving, what we are drowning in is the abandonment of each other, our higher Selves, and our marriage; this stagnation is the state in which we live.  We are BOTH living a lie.  We are not thriving emotionally.  We are living in an ego-state which is suffocating any kind of growth toward a higher Self. 

 

I am having a problem with continuing on this path we have both chosen.  My soul is suffocating.  It is longing to be free.  Do you not feel the same?  Can you be courageous enough to be honest in your answer?  I have blamed myself all these years for your unhappiness.  I know it has been difficult to be with me while I have tried to overcome my past and all it entails.  But, I cannot continue to accept responsibility for your pain and misery.  We both have choices.  You chose to not go forward in your growth; you chose not to continue therapy.  By doing this you closed the option for us to get help through marriage counseling.  And here we are today, living in the same lie, the same unhappiness.

 

I am not saying I want to divorce you.  We took vows together for life and I treasure those vows.   I care for you.  But you have to set me free.  You have to let me become the person I am meant to be.  I cannot continue to be your prisoner.  I can already sense your insecurity in my growth.  I just can no longer let you control who I am, who my soul longs to be.   I have been dying inside for too long.  I am starting to feel alive.  Please, I beg of you, come on this journey with me.  We can both feel alive to the world and to each other.  If we do not do this together, then the future between us is slowly dying away and will wither like a flower dying of thirst. 

 

This letter is not meant to cause you any additional pain.  I am writing this to try to save the ‘us’; to save our marriage.  I feel it would be a tragedy to not try one more time.  What do we have to lose? 

 

I will be leaving for a while.  It is my belief that we both need time and space to think about the next part of our journey and whether it will be together or separate.  This does not mean that I do not want contact with you.  I just need for it to be limited.  We need to find ourselves before we can be together again.  I am sorry if this causes you pain.  I feel the pain also.  But, the pain will cause the growth we both need to survive—whatever that might look like in the future. 

 

I love you.

Nico