Friday, July 8, 2011

Nothing to Lose by Tanner Christensen #Trust30 (Day 39)

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, our inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

(Author: Tanner Christensen)

Dear Husband:

My heart is heavy.  We have been together for many years, yet I still do not KNOW you.  You hide from me as well as yourself, and because of this I choose to hide from you.  We both live behind our masks.  I hope you will understand that this letter is about ME, not you.  You are a smart, witty person but at the same time you live in anger, shame and fear.  I am not judging you.  I know on some level you realize this.  In all the years we have been together, you were honest with me ONE time about yourself.

Over the years, we have been through many painful times together with our families and our daughter.  We survived my time in the wheel chair and the changes I had to make because of my physical challenges.  We survived the many surgeries you had to endure.  Our marriage survived all the physical contests life gave us.

But what we are not surviving, what we are drowning in is the abandonment of each other, our higher Selves, and our marriage; this stagnation is the state in which we live.  We are BOTH living a lie.  We are not thriving emotionally.  We are living in an ego-state which is suffocating any kind of growth toward a higher Self. 

I am having a problem with continuing on this path we have both chosen.  My soul is suffocating.  It is longing to be free.  Do you not feel the same?  Can you be courageous enough to be honest in your answer?  I have blamed myself all these years for your unhappiness.  I know it has been difficult to be with me while I have tried to overcome my past and all it entails.  But, I cannot continue to accept responsibility for your pain and misery.  We both have choices.  You chose to not go forward in your growth; you chose not to continue therapy.  By doing this you closed the option for us to get help through marriage counseling.  And here we are today, living in the same lie, the same unhappiness.

I am not saying I want to divorce you.  We took vows together for life and I treasure those vows.   I care for you.  But you have to set me free.  You have to let me become the person I am meant to be.  I cannot continue to be your prisoner.  I can already sense your insecurity in my growth.  I just can no longer let you control who I am, who my soul longs to be.   I have been dying inside for too long.  I am starting to feel alive.  Please, I beg of you, come on this journey with me.  We can both feel alive to the world and to each other.  If we do not do this together, then the future between us is slowly dying away and will wither like a flower dying of thirst. 

This letter is not meant to cause you any additional pain.  I am writing this to try to save the ‘us’; to save our marriage.  I feel it would be a tragedy to not try one more time.  What do we have to lose? 

I will be leaving for a while.  It is my belief that we both need time and space to think about the next part of our journey and whether it will be together or separate.  This does not mean that I do not want contact with you.  I just need for it to be limited.  We need to find ourselves before we can be together again.  I am sorry if this causes you pain.  I feel the pain also.  But, the pain will cause the growth we both need to survive—whatever that might look like in the future. 

I love you.


  1. unceremoniously, without invitations and celebrations, without condolences and public grief, a world comes tumbling down and all that remains are the shattered pieces of shared dreams-- oh Nico! God is there, somewhere, in the cold damp sense of hopelessness, the gray pre-dawn fog. i have been in the fog and i weep. Rw

  2. Nico,
    You are now the bravest woman I know for not only risking your vulnerability with your husband but in sharing it with us. I have been/am on this path and it is a hard path to follow. I wish you peace of mind and heart. I'm thinking of you.

  3. Love and strength to you both, hard times ahead but not harder than the times behind. Living and being true to yourself is the only way once you've made the decision. You will be in my thoughts, now and later.

  4. Nico, I agree with everything that has been said. I know for years I tried to "dumb" myself down so my husband wouldn't feel intimidated. However, once I became myself and went for growth, he has begun a similar but different path of growth.

    With job changes it the last 10 years he has read probably more Christian growth and discipleship books than I have. It is truly amazing to see.

    He rarely even opened a book before he began a job where he travels a lot and has time on his hands. God can do things when we pray and really ask Him to intervene.

    I feel like you have so opened yourself completely, here. I know just from those who have posted that you have so much support.

    Whatever you decide, just continue to be the best you, you can be.

  5. Ah Nico, you get me and i get you!! Read my post from today (He) and you'll really think your comment is true. I told him today, as he apologized for being brutally honest, don't apologize for being honest. Apologize for being unkind. One can be honest without being unkind. You have done that so so well. This letter made me cry. I know the hopes we share for one another are pretty much the same. This was amazing!! <3

  6. An AH-mazing and open-hearted sharing, Nico!

    I can feel your authenticity and honesty so clearly. Your sharing will help many - by giving permission or the gift of a shared experience that so many of us (including me) have also been through. Letting the other know they are not alone in their feelings, their journey, their experience of transition.

    I don't know if your husband will read this, but to me, he doesn't have to. He will receive the pure energy and intention from your written words and your stepping out to share this. AND allowing us to support you.

    Your writing is filled with honesty, yes, and the gray before the dawn, but as you bring us to the end of your writing it is also full of light!
    A heart being broken even wider OPEN.

    You have touched my heart deeply, thank you, thank you!
    With LOVE,

  7. Painfully beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. My heart goes with you on your journey.

  8. What I felt, reading your gut level honesty, was not a heart breaking, but the chains surrounding that heart bursting open. Old chains cannot bind what grows now, today. I observe, in respect and awe, the growth of a magnificent heart.


  9. You are a strong and brave girl !!
    My hearty wishes are with u.. Hope u get what u really want.