What would you be by Ryan Allis #Trust30 (Day 34)

If a year from now you weren’t in the profession you’re currently in, what would you be in your wildest dreams?

Currently, I do not have a ‘profession’.  I have not worked very much over the years.  When I graduated from high school as Valedictorian, I dreamed of going away to college.  Unfortunately, I was not given the opportunity nor did I have the fortitude at that time in my life to pursue my dream on my own.  I was in the ‘run away’ state of mind. 

The only training I received during that period of my life was in accounting at a trade school.  I was a math geek…so it fit!!  And...a lesson well learned from a short ‘run away and get married’ abusive relationship.

My first job was at a racetrack in the money room.  I must say it was a very fun job!  It did not feel like work!  I managed to advance to Assistant Money Room Manager.  Then, for a summer, I decided to be a groom on the ‘backside’ of the track!  I love horses.  Now this felt like work, ‘stinky work’, but only manually.  Mentally it was a joy being around the horses and learning each of their unique ‘personalities’.  As I kept running, I found myself as an Inventory Clerk for an oilfield company, climbing the shelves like a ‘monkey’ J counting every little screw!  Then, I ran into a ‘dark’ time, but emerged married and raising a child.  I worked for a travel agency as Office Manager/Bookkeeper.  Then I worked at Compaq Computers on the assembly line, building laptops and PC’s.  So, I have 'run' the gamut, all the while, in the dark, victim, running state of mind.

BUT MY WILDEST DREAM…it is still the dream of why I wanted so desperately to go to college out of high school—I wanted to be a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist.  Back in the early ninety’s, I went to a community college for two years.  Then, as fate would have it, my husband lost his job in the ‘oil patch’ and I felt I had to quit…never to return.  While the saying goes, ‘It is never too late’, I do feel it is too late for this career.  But, I have not given up on the dream of trying to help others through the pain of childhood abuse.  I do not need a degree for helping.  I have not given up on the dream that I will find a niche in the world outside.  I think the fact that I am still searching is a good sign!  Maybe my dream for connection to other survivors has helped me survive on my own journey to my authentic self.   

In his book, “Dark Nights of the Soul”, Thomas Moore writes, “Feelings are wet and damp, inundating us and preventing us from thinking clearly.  Ideas are drier and allow a vision to emerge from a sea of feelings.  The Greek philosopher Heraclitus said that a dry soul is a wise and wonderful soul that steps back from the torrent of events to glimpse the eternal realities.”

This is my ‘stepping back’ from ‘running away’.  I am ‘drying my soul’.

Peace!