After Friday’s post, I suppose I just needed a break from writing, thinking, soul-searching, etc. It was a very painful post and I was not certain I should press that infamous ‘Publish’ button. I did a lot of dwelling before I posted it! Finally, I decided I had ‘nothing to lose’ by posting it. My husband does not know about this blog, so chances of him reading it are two: Slim to none, and Slim just took a hike!!
I have to admit, it was liberating to write what I have wanted to say for so many years. Even if I never take it any farther than this blog, I feel more empowered by the words I finally let out of my soul.
I write to get clarity; to release whatever emotion that feels bottled up inside and suffocating my soul. Today that emotion is darkness, even when I look out the window and see the sun shining and the leaves dancing in the wind. What draws my attention more are the shadows. The shadows cast by the leaves and the trees. I see the brightness all around them, but I am mesmerized by the dark, still shadows.
As I sit here, I think about the last month or so focusing on the #Trust30 Challenge. It was nothing like I have ever experienced before, and I think that might be some of why I feel so blue. I did not think that Friday’s post would be the last post and I would have MUCH rather ended on a more positive note! But, it is okay to feel sad. One of the many lessons I have learned over the years is, that for me, it is better to let my emotions out rather than try to repress them or deny them. They are part of who I am as a whole. To deny any of them is to deny a part of myself. I refuse to deny myself any longer—even the ‘shadow’ parts. ‘I’ was denied over and over as a child; then the denial continued into my early thirty’s. If I am to be totally honest, the denial continued until recently. It was not as severe, but it was still there. All it did was keep my true self buried. Not a very productive way to live one’s life…I do not recommend it.
Another reason is my teacher is leaving for over two weeks. This always seems to cause some fear, if not in me, then is some of the other parts of myself.
So anyway, I know this will pass. I have a lot of positive things going on in my life. My most recent blessing has been the new, wise, friends I have made during this challenge; I still have my previous friends whom I love dearly; I have my fairly new teacher, whose knowledge has become an indispensable part of my recovery; and I also have the weekly group I attend.
Also, I am creating. I am transforming one of the rooms in our house into ‘my’ room. A place where I can just be whomever I need to be and do whatever I need to do for my continued growth. This was a suggestion from my teacher. It is exciting for me. I will have a place to draw again! Not that I am a great artist, but it is another release. So, once it is completed, maybe I will take some pictures for all of you!
I am still travelling Ever On!