LET THE TREE OF LIFE GROW
Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
For so many years, life has been a very scary thing for me. My motto used to be “Life is worth LEAVING”. It has only been recently that I have felt life is worth LIVING. I could not find anything to fill the emptiness, the void I felt inside. I kept searching for others, for things, to stop the pain for me. It does not work.
The only thing that has helped me has been to look deep inside; to face the pain, fear, and abandonment I have felt since as far back as I can remember; to bring all of my emotions into conscious awareness. I HAD TO FEEL IN THE PRESENT.
Since I was never allowed to do this freely as a child, I had to learn to do it as an adult. I had to learn to try to stay present in the pain and not dissociate. To do this I had to learn to feel the emotions and not just the physical pain. My abuse left me numb. When I first started therapy, I could not name the emotions I felt. Other parts of me carried the anger, the pain, the fear and all my emotions. Everything was compartmentalized into “neat” little parts…I use the term ‘neat’ loosely, as there was nothing neat about any of it.
This is not an easy process. I think unless you have been abused in some way or have experienced some sort of trauma, you cannot understand just how hard and painful this lesson is to learn. You just want someone to help you, to stop the pain; to stop the longing for a loving mother. I used to beg my therapist to “Please MAKE IT STOP”. But, all he could do was sit with me through the pain, help me to breathe; help me to come back to the present.
He could not take it away; cutting could not take it away; alcohol could not take it away; drugs could not take it away. I thought for years I could not live through any more pain. When in reality, all this pain has made me stronger. It has made me a more understanding, empathic person. I would not change it now, even if it were possible.
What I would like you to take from this is that it is never too late to heal. Please do not give up. Just, when you think the darkness is going to consume you, a ray of light will show up. Even if in the beginning it is dim, know that it grows brighter every day you keep surviving.
Believe in yourself. Never give up. Survivors are strong people. Soon you will THRIVE.