The Journey to Silent Listening, “Divine Gloom”, 30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 10)

In a sense, I have been away.  But, I have been working on my Creativity Challenge.  I try to create every day. 

Sometimes, my creativity is focused inward.  It is sitting in the silence and listening for its wisdom and healing.   It cannot be expressed in words until I have done the work that needs to be done.  My most recent journey inward has been very painful, yet very healing.  When I realized the process I had been through and the outcome, I was in awe of how the Self and its connection to God, my Creator, my Higher Power, my Source can be unconsciously within us.  There it is—dormant, waiting for us to reach out, waiting for us to feel the healing power within our grasp. 

For me healing is a daily process.  Parts of my soul, my essence were stolen during my childhood.   This left me permeable.  The things that filled these holes were negative.  All the wounds in my soul left me feeling less than human.  I felt cursed and evil. 

But, I AM NOT.  This is what the abuse did to me.  ABUSE MURDERS THE SOUL.  They, the abusers, determined my life for me.  They put me on the path that continued the destruction of my soul. 

Once I finally realized that I no longer had to follow the life they chose for me, that I could choose the life I wanted to live, I began to heal.  This is a realization that all people need to experience, not just survivors of abuse or trauma.  I believe that every person  has wounded souls.  This is part of life.  It is the nature of our existence.

I had to search for myself.  I had to find the parts that were stripped from me, the parts that dissociated and kept me alive through some very unbearable, unspeakable pain.  I have to reclaim my soul that was shattered.  I have to reclaim my mind.  I have to remove the negative.  No one can do this for me.  Yes, I need help and support.  But the work has to come from within me.  I have to go into many dark places to find what needs to be found.  I will be totally honest with you, it is a painful journey.  I have no choice in this.  If I want to become whole and healed, this is what I feel I need to do.  It may not be the same for everyone.  We all heal differently. 

I am no longer afraid of the pain.  I will not avoid it.  It will no longer conquer my soul. 

Invictus

By:  William Ernest Henley

“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

During my participation of the #Trust30 Ralph Waldo Emerson Challenge, my friend Michi Lantz (you can find her here: http://barefootonsacredground.wordpress.com/ ) suggested I listen to this poem on You Tube.  I had heard of it but never really ‘heard’ it…if you understand what I mean.  You can listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/user/Interrutpion?feature=mhum#p/c/9F1F9610BB3263AD/0/Nv2Thlik6ck

This realization that I can heal myself is very powerful.  The healing process is very painful, yet cleansing.  It is a lifelong journey, because we never know when pain will enter our lives, we just know it is inevitable.  Left unprocessed and unhealed, pain and the loss of soul it creates, wreak havoc in our lives.

My wish is for all of humanity to be healed.   If we each work on healing ourselves and helping each other on our journey, it can happen.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Peace.

Nico

Oleg Korolev Peresvet, Oslyabya, Divine Gloom