ABOUT THE PHOTOGRAPH AND TITLE

THIS PROFILE PICTURE IS A PAINTING BY SAMUEL BAK. THE TITLE IS "INTERRUPTION". THIS BLOG IS ABOUT CHILDHOOD ABUSE, THE DESTRUCTION IT CAUSES AND HOW I FEEL A CONNECTION TO HOLOCAUST SURVIVORS.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sometimes, I Just Wonder Why…30 Day Creative Challenge (Day 9)


Why?  Why was I born?  Why was I born into MY particular family?  Why was I neglected?  Why did I almost die at 14 months from malnutrition and neglect?  Why did they hurt me?  Why did I never receive the love I deserved as a child?  Why was I abused?


Why does it still hurt so much?  Why do I wake up some mornings and wonder the reason I am still alive?  Why hasn’t all these years of therapy ‘cured’ me?  Why can’t I get past ‘the past’?  Why hasn’t feeling all the pain, loss, and abandonment I experienced made the past ‘go away’?  Why are so many wounds still festering and bleeding?


So then from ‘why’, I go to ‘HOW’?


HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN LIVING SO DEEP INSIDE MY SOUL; THIS ALL-CONSUMING VOID THAT IS ALIVE AND WELL TODAY; THIS DREAD SWIMMING IN MY HEAD?


Then, I look outside my window and see the sky, the trees glistening in the sun, the birds resting on the branches, and the squirrels romping from tree to high wires.  I see my dog sleeping peacefully on her bed. 


I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  ALL I HAVE IS THIS MYSTERIOUS FAITH; THIS INNER SOURCE TELLING ME TO LIVE. 


Do I need the answers to these questions to live my life?  Possibly, that answer is no, because there are no good answers.  I have searched and only found one answer:  humans choose to do good or evil.


ALL THERE IS FOR ME TODAY IS BLIND FAITH--faith in something bigger than all of us; kinder than all of us.   A Creator showing me that life is fragile and filled with humanness.  That all of us are wounded in some way, some fashion, and if we are not feeling it today…then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. 


So I will continue the good fight.  I will choose life.  I will find some way to help serve humanity…a smile given to a stranger, a friendly hello, a call to an old friend.  Today I will believe: “Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.”  Edmund Burke.  


 It is the smallest things in life that can make the biggest difference.


Go out today and live small.  Live your life gently.  Create.



Peace.

Nico

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5 comments:

  1. tparkerAugust 11, 2011 at 7:57 PM

    Awesome, Nico.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MadhulikaAugust 11, 2011 at 11:46 PM

    After reading this I don't know why I feel pain...
    I have this strange feeling that I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you..
    however.. past is past and no one can change it..
    its better to accept it and move on.. don't try to hold on to it.. just let it go...
    breath and see how beautiful live truly is.. and may be someday you will find someone who will kiss away all you pain and would make you feel the beauty of life...
    take care.. be happy and enjoy..
    yesterday is history, tomorrow is mistry but today is a gift... tats why we call it present :)
    God Bless...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jyoti MishraAugust 12, 2011 at 9:22 AM

    super read..
    u start with a negative but when it ends with a positive I love that

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousAugust 17, 2011 at 8:44 AM

    Nico, you're inspiring.

    You tell your story well and you come out of it more beautiful each time.

    I'm sorry for your past, and I hope you know that presently you're an amazing person.

    ReplyDelete
  5. EditorAugust 18, 2011 at 4:06 AM

    Well said, I believe that we all have a strength within us, we listen to our peaceful soul and some how most of us survive the pain we have been through. You are a very strong person and have still kept the faith within you. Dont let go of the faith you have found, always hold onto the goodness within your heart. You give me and im sure others strength too. Bless you xx

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