Image by Matthew Stillman #Trust30 (Day 31)

Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mess up your hair. If you are wearing makeup – smudge it. If you have a pair of pants that don’t really fit you – put them on. Put on a top that doesn’t go with those pants. Go to your sock drawer. Pull out two socks that don’t match. Different lengths, materials, colors, elasticity.

Now, two shoes. You know the drill. Need to add more? Ties? Hair clips? Stick your gut out? I trust you to go further.

Take a picture.

Get ready to post it online.

Are you feeling dread? Excitement? Is this not the image you have of yourself? Write about the fear or the thrill that this raises in you? Who do you need to look good for and what story does it tell about you? Or why don’t you care?

This is not a new experience for me!!  For the most part, I try to be ‘me’.  I can go out with no makeup; dressed in raggedy jeans and a t-shirt; hair not sprayed to perfection.  But, am I comfortable in this skin?

Absolutely not!  Especially, when I do this in a place with certain peers I become very uncomfortable.  There are certain people that, when I am around them, I feel totally insecure.  When I walk into a room, I feel as if all eyes are staring at me.

I do realize that some of this fear of not wearing a mask stems from what happened to me as a child.  I was made to feel dirty, ugly, insecure, and given so many other negative self-beliefs.  I can say with certainty that this is VERY hard to overcome.  “What fires together is wired together.”  This comes from a book I read about the brain and how trauma affects neurons, the neural pathways, etc.  (I am sorry I cannot tell you the exact title of the book nor the author, as I have read several books of this nature to gain insight on how to change my thought patterns.)  I continue to struggle with my self-doubts, negative thoughts, depression, and anxiety.  But, that is good.  Every struggle can lead to a victory!  I have been victorious in many battles.  I know there are many more ahead, but I am not afraid to face them. 

 

Maybe, I do not fully understand todays quote from Emerson.  I do not feel ‘great’ because I am misunderstood.  I do not want to be ‘great’.  I realize this is not the point of his quote.  Maybe the greatness comes in the next world?  Or possibly whatever knowledge, kindness, caring, and love I can express in spite of my insecurities, will give a feeling of greatness to others.

 

Okay, let me get back to the prompt!   I am going to post a picture on my Facebook page of a time when I was totally being me!  When I was a child, I loved Halloween.  It was a totally innocent night for us.  We got to dress up in scary outfits and my uncle would take us around our town to ‘Trick or Treat’.  Candy was flowing abundantly.  My, how times have changed!  Around this area, the word ‘Halloween’ connotes evil.   Well, the rebel inside of me will not let go of one of the few, happy, good memories I have as a child.  So, until a couple of years ago, I always donned my costume and decorated my house to encourage the neighborhood children to come get their bags filled with candy.  I want them to feel the joy and fun that I had on such an ‘evil’ night!  I still give out the candy; I just do not ‘dress up’ like a witch any more.  But, who knows?  There is always this year!!!

Well, FB friends, for what are you waiting?  Have a look!!! lol

PEACE!

10 Year Text by Tia Singh #Trust30 (Day 30)

STOP CHILD ABUSE!

AND

COEXIST.

Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine your future self, i.e., you 10 years from now. If he/she were to send you a tweet or text message, 1) what would it say and 2) how would that transform your life or change something you’re doing, thinking, believing or saying today?

TODAY, I FEEL THE NEED TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, JOYFUL AND ENTHUSIASTIC!

Ten years from now, I would receive a link to this video telling me to

GET UP AND DANCE!

LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH THE ENTHUSIASM OF A CHILD!

AND DO NOT FORGET--

HELP STOP CHILD ABUSE!

How would it transform my life?

I WOULD NO LONGER HAVE TO LIVE BEHIND THE MASK!

I WOULD BE FREE!

MY PASSION COULD LIVE!

SENDING LOVE AND THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT HAS HELPED ME TO GROW!

THE #Trust30 challenge has changed my life more than anyone can knowl

PEACE!

NICO

Overcoming Uncertainty by Sean Ogle #Trust30 (Day 29)

Overcoming Uncertainty by Sean Ogle #Trust30 (Day 29)

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down a major life goal you have yet to achieve or even begin to take action on. For each goal, write down three uncertainties (read: fears) you have relating to each goal. Break it down further, and write down three reasons for each uncertainty. When you have three reasons for your fear, you’ll be able to start processing the change because you know where the fear stems from. Now you’ll be able to make smaller changes that push you towards your larger goal. So begins the process of “trusting yourself.”

Until you are at peace with yourself and the life you are living, uncertainty will rule your actions and decisions.  You will flounder not only in your principles but in all areas of your life.   No one can give you peace.  Material possessions will not bring you peace.  Peace is a continuous search to live your life without causing ripples; to be true to your principles.  It is a conscious choice.

 

One of the definitions of ‘principles’ is a primary source; origin.  The triumph of our principles is when we come to know and live within and through the ‘Self’, our primary source, our origin.   There lies our peace.

 

Fear IS the destroyer we must conquer.  On Day 19, I wrote about fear.  I do not think we need to ‘know where the fear stems from.’ (from where the fear stems…Sorry!  This IS a writing challenge!).   Fear is the root.  It has the capability to grow deep within the soul.  We all need to finally realize that anger, hatred, prejudice, war, genocide, abuse, and so many other evils ORIGINATE from fear.  Fear is lack of knowledge; un-acceptance; the self-inflated ego.  FEAR IS LIVING OUTSIDE OF THE ‘Self’.  My advice:  Go find your ‘Self’.  Everything else will fall into place.

My sincere, deepest apologies Mr. Ogle, but honestly, with all due respect, do we need to break it down?

 From Day 19:

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

This is such a profound statement.  When I think about it, FEAR IS the greatest emotion ‘to fear’.  In my life, fear has been the worst enemy.  It has stunted my spiritual growth; it has caused me to live in stagnation; it kept me in the state of ‘reacting’ to people and situations.  From fear, anger and hatred mushrooms and takes root in the soul.

PEACE!

Alive-est by Sam Davidson #Trust30 (Day 28) MY ANSWER WITH PICTURES

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. If we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

When did you feel most alive recently? Where were you? What did you smell? What sights and sounds did you experience? Capture that moment on paper and recall that feeling. Then, when it’s time to create something, read your own words to reclaim a sense of being to motivate you to complete a task at hand.

MY TWO MOST RECENT ALIVE MOMENTS HAVE BEEN DURING TIMES OF

CREATING……..Words, growth, thoughts and ideas, life, new friendships, and the Self.

AND...

SHARING………All the above!

I SAW MYSELF AND THE WORLD THROUGH  DIFFERENT EYES.

I TOOK THE TIME TO SMELL THE

‘ROSES’.

I WAS AT HOME WRITING FOR THE #Trust30 CHALLENGE AND AT GROUP.

I EXPERIENCED A TOTAL FEELING OF



PEACE

I would like to thank everyone who contributed to my “Alive-est” feeling up to this point in my life.

Peace,

Nico

Personal Recipe by Harley Schreiber #Trust30 (Day 27)

I do not wish to expiate, but to live. My life is for itself and not for a spectacle. I much prefer that it should be of a lower strain, so it be genuine and equal, than that it should be glittering and unsteady. I wish it to be sound and sweet, and not to need diet and bleeding. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 Think about the type of person you’d NEVER want to be 5 years from now. Write out your own personal recipe to prevent this from happening and commit to following it. “Thought is the seed of action.”

To be Me and not to be me, that is the answer.  

Tomorrow, much less in five years, I do not want to be the same ‘me’; I do not want to have lived in the stagnant waters of non-growth.   Each day life presents us with so many possibilities.  I just need to learn to take my blinders off, recognize what is being offered, and run my race as if it were the last.  However, I will race true to form, following my core beliefs.  By doing this I will not cause  major ripples in the waters of life, where we all reside.

I want to feel Alive, Aware and Awake; the “AAA”, no not the wrecker/travel service.  If, and when I ‘break down’, I do not want to be towed to a repair shop.  I need to be able to look inside, run my own diagnostics, find the problem, and repair what has been broken.  If I need help, I will ask.  I am not that close-minded to think that others cannot help.  But, first I will turn to Me.

I do not want to be given a pre-determined route to my destination.  Yes, I need a map.  But, PLEASE spare me the highlighted route!  I will create my own.  If I am travelling on the main highway and decide to exit onto the scenic route, or even the uncharted, unmapped route—of what concern is it to anyone else.  If I get lost, once again I will first turn to Me.  My GPS signal will always be on, just in case I need to be found in an emergency.  I am getting older and health can give us surprises.

For the most part, I am a loner.  I would like for this to change.   I have no need to bask in the glory of others.  Glory is an unstable, ‘glittery’ pedestal on which to perch.  It is fleeting.   I do not need to see my reflection in the eyes of others.  I want to develop friendships that are mutual, having similar visions, travelling on similar paths.  I believe we all need connections. 

Hopefully, if I can fashion my life from this ‘Me’, there will be no need to purge regrets; there will be no hunger from ‘dieting’ in life.  The me will no longer need to bleed, because she will be transformed into Me.

This is my ‘thought’ and my ‘seed of action’.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrWX5Bs0cSA&feature=fvst

Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons

"Plant your hope with good seeds.  Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds.

Rain down, rain down on Me."

P.S.  "Ohio Impromptu" is a very good read!!

PEACE!

Call to Arms by Sasha Dichter #Trust30 (Day 26)

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if today, right now, no jokes at all, you were actually in charge, the boss, the Head Honcho. Write the “call to arms” note you’re sending to everyone (staff, customers, suppliers, Board) charting the path ahead for the next 12 months and the next 5 years. Now take this manifesto, print it out somewhere you can see, preferably in big letters you can read from your chair.

You’re just written your own job description. You know what you have to do. Go!

(bonus: send it to the CEO with the title “The things we absolutely have to get right – nothing else matters.”)

From:  headhoncho@TheHigherSelfInc

To:      ALL EMPLOYEES

CC:     CEO i.e., The things we absolutely have to get right—nothing else matters.

Subject:  The Future of Higher Self, Inc.

MEMO:

It has come to my attention that we need an immediate plan for future growth.

With very little contemplation I have arrived at the following plan:

WE WILL DO THE WORK.

WE WILL CLIMB TO THE HIGHEST RUNG OF THE ‘LADDER OF SELVES’.

BY DOING THIS WE WILL ALSO CLIMB THE LADDER OF SUCCESS, NOT ONLY IN OUR PERSONAL LIVES, BUT IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE.

AT THE END OF THE CLIMB, WE WILL BE FILLED WITH JOY, ON TOP OF THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN, WHERE OUR VIEW IS UNLIMITED AND OUR JOURNEY IS UNIMPEDED.

Live long and prosper,

Head Honcho

Picture from Rankopedia.com CandidatePix 29358

Ladder of Selves idea taken from Steve Chandler: Reinventing yourself

Most Ordinary by Susan Piver #Trust30 (Day 25)

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are our most potent at our most ordinary. And yet most of us discount our “ordinary” because it is, well, ordinary. Or so we believe. But my ordinary is not yours. Three things block us from putting down our clever and picking up our ordinary: false comparisons with others (I’m not as good a writer as _____), false expectations of ourselves (I should be on the NYTimes best seller list or not write at all), and false investments in a story (it’s all been written before, I shouldn’t bother). What are your false comparisons? What are your false expectations? What are your false investments in a story? List them. Each keep you from that internal knowing about which Emerson writes. Each keeps you from making your strong offer to the world. Put down your clever, and pick up your ordinary.

MY RESPONSE

False comparisons with others:

While I love to write, I have never considered myself a serious writer, i.e. an author of a memoir, book of poetry, children’s book, or any other type of published writing.  I find my words lack depth and meaning.  They are not descriptive enough.  I lack coherence.  I have thought about wanting to tell the story of my life in a book, but I always considered having someone else write it for me!

So, to answer the first question, “I’m not as good a writer as anyone”. 

False expectations of ourselves:

This is easy—I have none!  Since, I do not take my writing seriously, being on any list never crosses my mind!  More importantly, I write for myself.  I write because it is healing.  I will quote my profile on my Facebook page:  ‘It is wear I pour my pain into words.’

False investments in a story:

Now here is a topic to which I can laboriously indulge!  So many books have been written about survivors of child abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and the many other aftereffects of abuse.  During the ninety’s there was a lot of controversy and negativity associated with D.I.D. (formerly MPD), sexual child abuse, and false memories.  All of these things deeply disturbed me and many other survivors.  It felt as if people were refusing to listen to our stories, the pain we were continually struggling to overcome, and accusing us of confabulation.  Worse than this, it felt like they were denying our very existence.  So what this did to me was add more pain to my existence and HEAPS of SHAME to an already shattered soul.  The thought of people dismissing my story, ridiculing me for writing yet another memoir of abuse, or accusing me of making it up would have destroyed me.  Until recently, I have been very low on the ‘ladder of selves’. (Idea taken from the book “Reinventing Yourself” by Steve Chandler)  Slowly, I am climbing higher.  Actually it seems rather rapid to me!  So, with this progress and the realization that most of “the people” believe this type of abuse DOES HAPPEN, I do not think my destruction is at play any longer.

Truly, why do I care what others think anyway?   I feel myself growing stronger each day.  I am trying to realize that people’s opinions are just that—they do not define who I am, who I should be, or who I should become. “Excuse me; you think my hair is too long, that I am too old to wear it this long.  Is this really your business?  What if I told you your hair was too short?  That it makes you look too masculine…”  I have NEVER uttered the previous sentence aloud.  But I have thought it.  My beliefs and my boundaries prevent me from going down that road.  Yes, the things people say still hurt and cause pain, but I am beginning to understand that they are speaking from their own insecurities.  They are speaking from the “lower levels of their ladder of selves”.

Is it me or did I just totally go off subject? J J

Peace.

Intuition by Susan Piver #Trust30 (Day 24)

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?

I realize I have once again strayed from the prompt by not using a person to describe my intuition.  But I do not view my intuition as a person.  I believe it comes from something beyond our human-ness.  It has a voice, but it does not necessarily 'look' the same in each person, or speak the same.  It is totally unique in each of us.  I view it as the ‘key to life’.  It serves both as a guide and a protection.   I believe intuition comes from our soul,  our spirit.  How can I put a human face to something that I believe is spiritual?  

Ankh

I picture my intuition as ‘ANKH’.

The first thing my Intuition would say to me is as follows:

“Why do you not trust me?  The times you have listened to me I have not guided you in the wrong direction.  I am very strong and wise.  My knowledge can take you very far on your journey.   My key can unlock many doors for you, which lead to many paths.  Sometimes you over think.  I am not saying thinking is wrong…thinking is good.  Yet, when thinking leads you to a place that goes against me, it is not the right place for you.  I am waiting patiently for you to use me more…I do not mind being used.  For me, being used is not a negative connotation.  USE ME!  I am your ‘eternal life’.  Trust me.  I promise not to let you down.”

Courage to Connect by David Spinks #Trust30 (Day 23)

Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who is one person that you’ve been dying to connect with, but just haven’t had the courage to reach out to? First, reflect on why you want to get in touch with them. Then, reach out and set up a meeting.

Honestly, I have been ‘dying to connect’ with my Self because I can no longer live in ‘disconnection’.  I mean this literally, not figuratively.  My soul has been slowly dying since the day of my birth, which should have been the beginning of its creation.  I cannot and refuse to take responsibility for the things in my childhood that caused this ‘death’ to begin.  However, as an adult, I continued in this state.  I have realized over the years that it was a ‘choice-less’ choice, albeit a choice.  I have no fear of admitting when I am wrong; THIS CHOICE WAS DESTRUCTIVE.  Overtly my false self showed the world that everything was fine.  I was happy and content.  But the COVERT ‘BREATH’ my soul was emitting hurt not only me, but my daughter, and the relationships I had with several people over the years.    It was not necessarily my actions that were destructive, but my inactions.  I refused to see.  I refused to be aware.

As I consider my past and all which it entails, I can see how I lived my life in a continual state of ‘death’.  I cannot change the past.  But, I will continue to direct the future into a more ‘alive’ state.  In group yesterday, the counselor asked me if I realized the courage I had by continuing to survive and overcome the many obstacles that stunted my growth (not an exact quote, but close enough).   I pointed out that ‘surviving’ is not THRIVING.  People always want to praise you for surviving.  This I feel is missing the point.  Survival is a basic technique.  Thriving is what gives your soul life; it is what allows your ‘Self’ to awaken into awareness.  You cannot and will not thrive unless you ‘do the work’. 

 

What work?  Most of you reading this are already aware of that answer.   It is my humble opinion that everyone has their own work to do and their own way of doing it.  For me, understanding and acceptance is the key to change.    The negativity we feel is ours alone.  It is inside of us.  It is not caused by others actions or words.  Once you can accept this fact, your own actions and choices in life will no longer be dictated by others.  You will become the dictator of your life.  You will be yourself and not worry about the opinions of others.  You will learn to protect yourself from manipulations.  You will be free and allow others the same freedom.  No demands or expectations for others to fulfill your needs will be in your mind.  You will become your own creator…no puppeteers, no puppets. 

With this in mind…think about the ‘breath’ we can all emit, both overtly and covertly.  Imagine taking in the first breath of your ‘Self’.  The fragrance will overwhelm your senses with joy, beauty and peace.

Enthusiasm by Mars Dorian #Trust30 (Day 22)

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” is a great line from Emerson. If there’s no enthusiasm in what you do, it won’t be remarkable and certainly won’t connect with people on an emotional basis. But, if you put that magic energy into all of your work, you can create something that touches people on a deeper level. How can you bring MORE enthusiasm into your work? What do you have to think or believe about your work to be totally excited about it? Answer it now.

Enthusiasm is one thing that has been lacking in my body, mind and soul for as many years as I have existed.  For me, this prompt was painful to read.  It was like a slap in the face.  Can it be as simple as lack of enthusiasm that has kept my life less than mediocre, unremarkable, with very few emotional connections? 

I am trying to remember if there was a time when I felt enthusiastic about anything.  The first thing that comes to mind is giving childbirth.  I was scared out of my mind, but enthusiastic.  I totally immersed myself in the role of mother—but then ten years later it all exploded into oblivion.  Enthusiasm was zapped out of my life because my past reared its ugly head.  Now twenty-two years later, here I am, NOWHERE!  NOBODY!  EMPTY! My cell phone banner is titled ‘EMPTY NOBODY’.  (Okay, self, save your negativity for group and your teacher. No one wants to hear your depressing, un-enthusiastic take on life and the world.  This prompt is about enthusiasm…can you please try to focus!)

Note: I have been writing this for about twenty minutes now. I have a feeling no one is going to want to read this one because it is sinking into the quicksand faster than in an instant. So, do I even want to post this?

This brings us to today and the #Trust30 Challenge.  When I first read about this writing challenge, I was afraid.  Coming from my well-learned negative side were all the fear, doubts, and self-deprecating thoughts.  Then, suddenly I had signed up for it.  Obviously, I did it ‘unconsciously’ because I truly do not recall making the decision to do this, or the process of signing up.

 

ENTER ENTHUSIASM!  Enter exhilaration!   My mind is becoming ‘addicted’ to this journey and to the other people involved with this challenge.  I use the term addicted because it is the only word that can describe the ‘high’ that being a part of this has given me.  Every morning I look forward to the new prompt.  I cannot wait to read the wisdom from other members.  I have found new, inspiring and energetic acquaintances (who also have been through rough times and have days when they feel low).  I have been able to open up and write about some of my past history, in all of its ugliness.  I have been able to accept the insight from others and to acknowledge that I too have insight on some things in this world. 

It frightens me to think of this ending.  It is {Day 22}.  Where did the time go?  How will I be able to recreate the enthusiasm of the last 21 days when all of this is over?  (Does this not indicate that I need to ‘get a life’?)  I have no answers at this moment.  The only think I can do is to sit with my fear and learn the lessons it is trying to teach me--growing pains, my dear Nico.  Growing pains.

You Know by Jen Louden #Trust 30 (Day 21)

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

We live in a society of advice columns, experts and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life. Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to build a website – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although one or two people may think they do.) For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?”
 

‘What do I know about this?’ 

I am open to suggestions.  But please, do not be offended if I do not take them.

Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses. ~ Dale Carnegie

So many people try to impress us and win us over to their side, to their point of view.  Why?  They need others to approve of them or their ideas.  For them to feel safe about themselves and their ideas, they need a following.  They need for us to jump on their band wagon.  It feeds their ego.  The ego is not where happiness exists.  We need to remember that true happiness evolves when we are being our authentic selves.   

In no way am I implying that advice columns, self-help gurus, experts, etc. are not helpful to us.  If people did not share their knowledge we could not grow.  But, to keep our integrity we should not become a herd of cattle.  We need to stay unique and true to ourselves.  This takes courage and strength.  We need the support of others.  What we do not need, in my humble opinion, is the narcissist manipulating us into reflecting his greatness; his superiority.  Beware!  Manipulation comes in many forms and disguises.  I do know something about this subject—abuse is the worst, most evil form of manipulation. (I know…here it is again…my repetitive subject!  But, I will not go off on a tirade--just using it as an example.)

I believe we need to keep our minds open, learn from others, and be willing to change when we see that the path we are on is not working.  However, once we have an ethical core of beliefs we should never let anyone compromise our system. 

“Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free” ~~Awake My Soul, Mumford and Sons

Peace.

Speak Less by Laura Kimball #Trust30 (Day 20)

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?

My Response:

I am going to focus on the first sentence of the quote, for this is what is speaking to me today.

“What I must do is all that concerns me, NOT WHAT THE PEOPLE THINK.”

Since as far back as I can remember, especially in my childhood, ‘the people’ ruled my life.  They were the puppeteers and I was the puppet.  I was never given the opportunity to go through the stages of growth that should be encouraged by parents for their children.  I was never allowed to individuate or separate.  What I learned was to “See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.”   I am speaking of the evil that was happening to me; the destruction of my soul; the burying of my ‘self’.  I continue to bring up abuse, because every day I see what it has done to me and to others.  I continue to experience its aftereffects.  Also, this was the original purpose of this blog--to help raise awareness and to be an advocate against abuse with my voice.

The statistics are staggering.  Check them out for yourselves:  http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6035035/k.8258/Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm

http://member.preventchildabuse.org/site/DocServer/sexual_abuse_of_boys.pdf?docID=127 

During my transformation from baby, to toddler, to teen, to adult, I never realized I could follow my own thoughts.    I was obligated to do what ‘the people’ wanted from me.  This theme followed me throughout my life.  I believed I had no control over my life and the course it took.  I either lived like a robot or a subservient.  I was programmed to act certain ways, to do certain things.  People and situations controlled my ‘on/off’ switch.  Those of you with D.I.D. (and maybe others also) will understand the term ‘switch’.  I became the many masks that I created.

I am not even certain I knew I had my own thoughts until I was thirty three years old.   I was cowering in a corner with a gun in my hands, with my daughter upstairs asleep.  She had just turned ten years old.  This was one of the several suicidal moments I have survived; what lay ahead of me was a fork in the road.  The next day I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital and life as I knew it ceased to exist. 

This past December, another fork in the road presented itself.  Out of pain and anger, I left the ‘teacher’ I had been with for many years.  It was not an impulsive act, for I had been contemplating this act for at least a year, possibly more.  But, my ‘friend’ FEAR, kept me frozen solid.  I had already begun seeing my new 'teacher' for family counseling.  She told me that I would know when the time was right.  When I left, I did not look back.  I realized that what I had been doing for all these years, was not working any longer.  Much to my chagrin, once again, I was covered with the slimy, green algae of stagnation.  It was time to add ‘shock’ to the water, perform a ‘backwash’, and add some chlorine.  Enter a new teacher and not for family counseling!

Now, I am still trying to discover who I am in this world.  I feel more aware.  I see more options.  As I have said before, the growth I have experienced with her in such a short time is stupendous. 

Since Junior High, ‘Desiderata’ has been one of my favorite poems.  I have always felt drawn to it.  I could never understand why it always touched me so deeply.  Suddenly, it has all become clear.  Suddenly, I see this is ‘what I must do’.

Desiderata

 Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I have finally come to the end of this spiel!!  “A brocheh” for the reader!

Shalom 

Facing (and Fearing) #Trust30 by Dan Andrews (Day 19)

Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right, and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances, and you always may. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Trusting intuition and making decisions based on it is the most important activity of the creative artist and entrepreneur. If you are facing (and fearing) a difficult life decision, ask yourself these three questions:

1) “What are the costs of inaction?” I find it can be helpful to fight fear with fear. Fears of acting are easily and immediately articulated by our “lizard brains” (thanks Seth) e.g. what if I fail?

What if I look stupid? If you systematically and clearly list the main costs of inaction, they will generally overshadow your immediate fears.

2) “What kind of person do I want to be?” I’ve found this question to be extremely useful. I admire people who act bravely and decisively. I know the only way to join their ranks is to face decisions that scare me. By seeing my actions as a path to becoming something I admire, I am more likely to act and make the tough calls.

3) “In the event of failure, could I generate an alternative positive outcome?” Imagine yourself failing to an extreme. What could you learn or do in that situation to make it a positive experience? We are generally so committed to the results we seek at the outset of a task or project that we forget about all the incredible value and experience that comes from engaging the world proactively, learning, and improving our circumstances as we go along.

MY RESPONSE:

Up to now, trusting my intuition has not been one of my strong points.  At the risk of being repetitive myself, the abuse I endured as a child really did destroy my soul.  I have been filled with self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a general dis-trust of people and most situations.   But, for whatever reason, I came upon this #Trust30 challenge.  Along with other positive things happening in my life, such as group and my new ‘teacher’, I have experienced more growth in the last eight months, than I have in the last twenty years.  This is amazing to me.  These daily prompts have been an excellent catalyst in helping me to grow into my true ‘self’.  The connection I have felt with people who are also taking this challenge has been a pleasant surprise.  I always felt so alone in the world.  Now, after reading so many other ‘journeys’, and the realization of knowing that others struggle too, I do not feel like an outcast from society.  It has taken me so long to understand that we are all basically on similar journeys.  I have come to the awareness that my difficulties in life are not a character defect in my personality.

There are many things I am ‘facing and fearing’; several ‘difficult life decisions’.  FEAR has been the core feeling driving the direction of my life.  “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

This is such a profound statement.  When I think about it, FEAR IS the greatest emotion ‘to fear’.  In my life, fear has been the worst enemy.  It has stunted my spiritual growth; it has caused me to live in stagnation; it kept me in the state of ‘reacting’ to people and situations.  From fear, anger and hatred mushrooms and takes root in the soul. 

 

To answer question number one:

‘What are the costs of inaction?’   For me it is simply stated with one word—death.  No, not physical death; death of the soul; death of the mind. 

To answer question number two: 

‘What kind of person do I want to be?’   Fearless, is the word that comes to mind, first and foremost.  If I can get past my fear, then the mask will fall.  Without fear, maybe all the other attributes that lay in wait, will begin to blossom from my being.  I want to be a kind, giving, caring person, FULL OF LIFE.  I want to be able to help others in their struggles.  I want to plant seeds of hope where hope does not reside.   I want to be true to my Self.  That will entail making very difficult, life-changing decisions.  I think I have found a role model in my ‘teacher’.   She has gone through some very difficult times in her life—the death of a young child, rearing three daughters, and more recently, a divorce due to an unfaithful husband.  I do believe that having mentor/mentors can help one on their journey to wholeness.

To answer question number three:

“In the event of failure, could I generate an alternative positive outcome?”  Can we really predict the future?  I would hope that I could turn failure into a positive learning experience.  This is exactly what I am trying to do at this very moment in my life.  If I succeed now, then I will grow and become stronger.  Coming out of the depths that have kept me conquered, will grow the capability to overcome other failures.  Fear will be tamed.  Fear will no longer become the crippling trait it has been in my past.  This will allow the blossoming of my true Self.   I will be free to fail over and over, ‘let the tears water my soul’, and blossom again after each failure.  I will do this repeatedly throughout the rest of my life.  We will always risk failure if we live in awareness and not live our life asleep.   For as we all know, change is the only constant in life. (Heraclitus)  And where there is change, the possibility of failure always exists.