THE WALL IS GOING UP.
HERE IT GOES AGAIN. What is wrong with me? I am so confused. Just thinking about my T makes me want to put up the damn wall again. This whole ‘connetion’ thing scares me until I cannot function. All I want to do is cry. Then little ones get scared and get upset and come out and cry and I don’t know how to console them. I don’t know what to do. I have absolutely NO mothering skills whatsoever. I am such a loser. Who am I that I think I can comment on blogs and give advice when I cannot even help myself? Why does everything have to be so painful? Will it ever change? Will it ever stop? Okay, this is a defect. I am defective. I have been in therapy since 1989. I have been journaling, writing poems, drawing, talking, and talking and talking, and I am still messed up. Well, maybe not as bad as when I first started this journey. But, how long is this going to last? Will I be like this until I die? Will I suffer from the aftereffects of my abuse for my entire life?
I hate them. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate. I am hate.
‘A ie’
HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE.
THIS IS JUST ONE HUGE CLUSTER F**K. IT IS THE BIGGEST MIND F**K OF ALL TIMES. ABUSE RUINS YOUR WHOLE LIFE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I COULD KILL THEM…BUT NO, ALL I DO IS HURT MYSELF. YEP, THAT’LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. CUT. BLEED. RELIEF.
DO YOU SEE THE SWITCH?
'R'
I'm sorry for your pain Interruption. Your comments on my blog have been helpful to me. I think that you do have mothering skills...but not a lot of belief in yourself at the moment. Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteOh, do I hear how much you don't give yourself a break from self-hatred. I know this place all too well. I've been there so many times. You are helpful to others and probably have mothering skills that you are unaware of. Sometimes, children are unconsolable...just a part of their life in learning how to do that themselves. Abuse leads to a problem in learning this.
ReplyDeleteI've been in therapy since 1986 any where from once a month to 8 hours per week and four hospitalizations. I too wonder when does this end, but it keeps me from focusing on what is happening now. I can definitely say that it does get better. I can see huge differences when I'm not in the "beating myself up mode."
By the way, I love the picture and am going to use it in something in the future...really great.
*gentle hugs*