THE WALL IS GOING UP.
HERE IT GOES AGAIN. What is wrong with me? I am so confused. Just thinking about my T makes me want to put up the damn wall again. This whole ‘connetion’ thing scares me until I cannot function. All I want to do is cry. Then little ones get scared and get upset and come out and cry and I don’t know how to console them. I don’t know what to do. I have absolutely NO mothering skills whatsoever. I am such a loser. Who am I that I think I can comment on blogs and give advice when I cannot even help myself? Why does everything have to be so painful? Will it ever change? Will it ever stop? Okay, this is a defect. I am defective. I have been in therapy since 1989. I have been journaling, writing poems, drawing, talking, and talking and talking, and I am still messed up. Well, maybe not as bad as when I first started this journey. But, how long is this going to last? Will I be like this until I die? Will I suffer from the aftereffects of my abuse for my entire life?
I hate them. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate. I am hate.
HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE.
THIS IS JUST ONE HUGE CLUSTER F**K. IT IS THE BIGGEST MIND F**K OF ALL TIMES. ABUSE RUINS YOUR WHOLE LIFE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I COULD KILL THEM…BUT NO, ALL I DO IS HURT MYSELF. YEP, THAT’LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. CUT. BLEED. RELIEF.
DO YOU SEE THE SWITCH?