#trust30 30 day challenge
Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.
Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?
MY ANSWER:
If I had one week left to live I do not think I would be doing what I am presently doing. I am doing nothing with my life. I am “stuck”. The one thing I know I would HAVE to do is see a person from my past that I “lost”. I have never recovered from this loss.
I guess I am trying to prepare to live in all areas of my life. Since 1989, when I had a mental breakdown and was in a psychiatric hospital for nine months, I have felt dead inside. I have been in and out of hospitals and in therapy since that time. I suppose my therapy is keeping me alive, even though overall it has been a roller coaster ride in and of itself.
I think the only thing that will ever make me come alive is to find out ‘who’ I am; who I am without the past and the abuse controlling my thoughts and my actions. I need to find the courage to LIVE my life, because right now I am in “limbo”. I just exist in a bubble. Any second the bubble could be gone, and my life would have been lived for nothing. I need to break free of my self-imposed prison. I need to find a purpose. I only have ONE true friend. I am going to find other friends, even if they are not friends in which I confide. I have found some fellow bloggers and that has helped tremendously. There are many levels of friendship. But, I need people I can be around that will accept me for who I am; accept the way I want to look and act. I cannot put on a pretense. I have to be real.
THE MAIN THING I WANT TO STOP:
LIVING LIKE THE PAST IS THE PRESENT.
Thank-you for keeping on with this challenge! About the only 'purpose'. I have right now is just keep going, responding each day to the prompts. It's a big commitment and you're doing it. You portray really well the terror some of these prompts bring up, and the despair, with that travel one especially, these "world-dominating" people seem to be on a different planet of expectation sometimes! It's encouraging to see not all shiny-happy responses.
ReplyDeleteMy hospitalisations have been briefer than yours, but I've been on the mental health recovery path long enough to know that the whole 'personal responsibility'/'self-reliance' thrust of this challenge is a thorny one, finding that point of responsibility and freedom in amongst the deluge of traumatic reactions is more subtle than just saying "okay I resolve to stop having traumatic flashbacks and live in the present"...so inevitably this month is going to be something of a roller-coaster.
For me this challenge is an opportunity to, follow through on a commitment I've made. No one will die if I pull out, and it's a matter of disappointment rather than shame if any of us do decide to stop... But it's an opportunity to...not pull out.
Thank you for your comment. "No one will die if I pull out"...so true. I think I just learned a lesson..."disappointment rather than shame". Now, there is a dichotomy of emotional feeling. Shame--the word that flattens self-esteem; the feeling that seems to come from nowhere.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as though you are in a lot of pain and depression also. I am sorry. I hope this challenge helps you through this darkness you are experiencing. Take care.